#1
i was thinking bout using this for my metal band its pretty thrashy when i play the riff to it let me know what u think


verse 1
throw your life away
sell your soul to me
i will be your god
me you will obey

now your hell is here
will you dissiapier(spell check lol)
fight the one today
die another day

chorus

this is how youll die CHOKE
BLEED
FIRE

verse2

throw your life away
sell your soul to me
i will be your god
me you will obey

i will have your life
this is what i say
bind your hands in pain
you will feel the fire

then the chorus again

verse 3

throw your life away
sell your soul to me
i will be your god
me you shall obey

now your time has come
to pay up to me
i am now your god
do what i say


this is the first song ive ever wrote and it took about 20 mins so be gentle plz constructive crittisism is appreciated
\m/ metal up your ass
#3
think i should switch words for each repeat of it or think i should change it each verse?
\m/ metal up your ass
#4
Hm. Decent start to songwriting here. Seeing as it's metal/thrashy type music, I don't suppose it matters much if some of the lines don't seem to flow together perfectly. Not that many people get it perfectly every anyways. Perhaps instead of "Me you will obey", which sounds a little awkward to say, you might like "I'm the one obeyed". In my mind, it feels like it's easier to say, it still sorta fits with the "away" rhyme, but with a little bit of a tweak to keep it fresh, and it still says the same thing. I agree that the first verse is repeated too much. When you repeat something like that, I think it becomes something like a chorus It's up to you what you want to do with it, but right now, about 2/3 of your song is repeated at some point, which seems a bit much. Either add some more differing verses in to switch it up or tweak the verses you have, but you probably only want your chorus to be repeated that often. "Do what I say" feels like it was missing a few syllables somewhere, but again, I think that since this is a metal/thrashy song, you can get away with a lot that you can't in other genres. Overall, it's a good start, but it can use some work. If you feel like it, could you take a look at "Following Evangeline" in my sig? Keep it up, and don't be discouraged if some d-bag comes and tells you that you suck, because there are people out there who will do that. Just don't stop writing Peace
#6
i completely revamped the song lol let me know waht you think about this version

verse 1
throw your life away
sell your soul to me
i will be your god
im the one obeyed

chorus (1)
this is how youll die CHOKE
this is your last day
this is how youll die BLEED
you will melt in hell

verse 2
now your hell is here
will you dissiaper
fight the one today
die another day

chorus(2)
this is how youll die BURN
this is your last day
this is how youll die CRUSHED
you will feel all the pain

verse3
i will have your life
this is what i say
bind your hands in pain
satan is my name

chorus (3)
this is how youll die CHAIR
this is your last day
this is how youll die ME
i will take your life

verse 4
now your time has come
pay your debt to me
little f***ing B****
i am now your god
\m/ metal up your ass
#8
Sorry it took me so long to find this. I don't exactly check my messages ever, because I pretty much never get any. Anyways, to the point. I like it better than the original. There are a couple places where there seemed to be a smoother way to say things. "You will melt in hell" seemed a little awkward to say to the rhythm I had going in my head (which is probably totally different from what you have in mind, so take that with a shaker of salt). Also "melt" seems kinda like a weak verb here. I assume you're aiming for lots of images of pain and death in this song (I'm so observant, I know ), but the word "melt" seems more like something an ice cube does very slowly when left on a table or something. Perhaps another word like burn or char would be better, something that carries with it a bit more of a painful context or something. That's really all I can say... I really liked the words in caps that you had tacked on to the end of the lines. I imagined them being screamed at the end of the line being growled/sung, and it seems to me like it would have a nice effect Good stuff.