#1
just have a guud time.

there's a road that leads to the end of all suffering;
and you should take it, dammit.
i hate to steal such a good line,
but you eventually starve after being fed
so many lies.

i never have the time to sit and wonder
how and why the world keeps going
because i always seem to get left behind,
the mirror screaming at the idiot staring
at me like he's got something useful to
say. get a life, faggot; you got me so
angry now, i'm gonna smack the first
bum i see on the way to work right
in his stinking face...ehhhhmericanaaaaaa.
me me me, just like, them them them.
thinkin thinkin,
i am just another one
please fulfill me, God help me.
and still i apologize for nothing.

there are fallen angels that sit outside
the mall and smoke pot and send smiles,
distinctly detached and loving mortality;
but where is their assurance?
(?)presenting benevolent causes to the benefit
of humanity, but i see no humans here;
only game, preying on itself.

so sick so sick and withered.
semper fi to bitter and washed up to
the shoreline,
tethered to my vacant vessel.

and then and then
i get a call from a friend
and he asks me if i'd like to
go the mountains
for a weekend.

in the silence of the world,
we fished from clean waters
and survived the overwhelming
joy that a man should notice
once in awhile.
we were sipping on the moonlight
laughing and caring about things.

i guess it all kinda makes more sense now.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Feb 23, 2009,
#2
There should be some kind of punctuation between behind/the mirror.

I'm going to read this over a good few times. I really enjoyed it. There were some really special, well presented images here.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I love you. I love this. Why do I even bother posting my opinion? Please publish a book so I can by it, encase it in gold and frame it above my bed.
#5
very nice, nothing to say, that's awesome
Standard Fender Telecaster
Fender Blues Jr
Ibz10
#6
this is about as perfect an ending you could have made. I swear I could have written this. I relate to it to the point I just feel it in all it's truth.
#7
thank you guys so very much for the kind words.

and Katherine, i'm not really sure what you meant about the punctuation between behind/the mirror... i threw in a comma there, but i originally wanted it to just flow all together.
i suppose it sounds a little better that way, without being one big jumbled sentence, lol.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
To me, stanza two got lost in itself. It started twisting and turning and was lovely... but by the end it was so distracted from where it was going it just said "fuck it." and drove to san francisco for the weekend.

Stanza 3, love the idea. two lines before the last line were convoluted to hell and back. Bounced well, but there were no titties to watch as it bounced. It sounded and looked fun... but no content; or what content was there was two small to justify all the bouncing.

"so sick so sick and withered.
semper fi to bitter and washed up to
the shoreline,
tethered to my vacant vessel."

This whole stanza just feels a bit out of place to me. Another case where its good on its own... but I can't help but feel like streamlining this down and focusing in on the target would help. This is vague, at best. You were just getting to the "non-vague, time to kick some ass" part of hte piece and then you throw this in and pan back out to a broad view of the coast instead of focusing in on hte nude section of the beach. I wanted boobies and you gave me landscape.

Ending was gorgeous. Beginning was a bit too slow for me, but managable.

Good piece, but not your best. You work better when you streamline your ideas (IMO). When you go out of the way to make it "complex" and add layers, your raw honesty gets muddled up in a over-flow of tangents and word-soup. You have the technical abilities and the large lexicon... but sometimes it pays to stay simple and deliver the idea with a fist instead of a robotic arm that punches when you push the button.

I hope some of that made sense.

Check your PMs, bitch.
#9
I just meant that there should have been some punctuation there to order the ideas, but there wasn't. I still think there's something odd there; the pause added by the comma is both too long and too short for smooth flow, and it still doesn't quite make sense.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!