#1
So I haven't written in awhile, but this forum itself sparked some ideas and such, so I came up with this a few minutes ago, might be on a whim I suppose (ohwell). Let me know what you feel about it, throw me a link if you want, I like to read stuff. Also, I would try not to read it too quickly, I think it's short, but also full. First stanza is more free-verse-ish than the rest.


Art.
The preoccupation of a nation thoroughly exhausted by ordinary sensory
An attempt to prevent common dissertations from seizing the expectations of the happy man
The point is to unknowingly confuse the ruse of the muse with a dandelion

Allure cast in ink like an unstable atom supported by the vacuum and will
Trimmed to perfection, the chiseled erection of words held so holy yet still

Upholding the notion of Heaven and treasure while muting the pleasure that is
To slap Dionysus, then request his fair presence at your wonderful art exhibit
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#2
Television
The illicitation of pre-determined socially acceptable responses through intentionally paired sequences
Pontifications of infantile Socrates half baked notions from cognition cloistered in the rear hemisphere of ignorance
Obviously falsifications of fabricated erroneous pseudo-realities like vermin in trousers

Tempting atrocities baked in shells of silver and venom permeating through our veins to
Desensitize our dreams of notions which slip beyond the comprehension of lesser beings for

No other cause than effect and relations through unintentional attention garnering and
Screaming out at Plato in ignorant tongues 'my prowess far succeeds your own!'


Alright.

Lots of big words. It was kind of impressive, but you lose a lot of the emotion and feel of the piece through un-necessary frequent usage of flowery words that, IMO, just hamper the work.
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#3
you've got some really good ideas here, but no offense intended - it looks like you built this using thesaurus building blocks and bathed it in a whirlpool of pretentiousness.

presenting complicated(but good) material to a general audience is best presented just by being yourself. imo.
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#4
Thanks guys. I didn't really think people would like this, I knew it would come off as pretentious haha. But my point is kind of being missed, or maybe I just didn't descibe it well enough, really the heart of this is similar in intent to your "Just have a guud time." But i guess it's a bit more abstract and intangible than your writing.

Art, as in writing, or poetry: the piece critiques itself, and it is a paradox because it calls out flowery unrealistic language or unbelievable heavenly art while at the same time portraying it. That part was intentional. I wanted to broaden it to art rather than just poetry though, because the same thing tends to apply.

I'm just trying to get at the point of: what are we even striving for with all this critiquing and shaping and perfecting? Striving for 'big words' or 'fluent verses' or 'natural writing'? That's awesome in some ways, but sometimes you are just "muting the pleasure that is." Sometimes the analytical mind prevents us from experiencing what we are aiming for I think. I thought if people read it slow they might make that connection, does that make sense? Maybe I'm way off there but that was what I was going for.

Edit: I also tend to like the piece because if you look at it from an analytical writing point of view, you won't like it, which is exactly the point. But then again maybe it doesn't make sense from any point of view haha!
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Last edited by zipppy2006 at Feb 23, 2009,
#5
hmm, i definitely see what you're saying.
however my qualms still rest with the over-verboseness....

but,
Quote by zipppy2006
and it is a paradox because it calls out flowery unrealistic language or unbelievable heavenly art while at the same time portraying it.
exactly.
it seems like you just need to find some sort of "even-flow" between the point of your decided representation; i.e. word choice, type of metaphors, etc., and the expected relatability of the audience that will be reading.

keep posting.
i'd like to see what the future brings.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
It's got nothing to do with analytical minds, really - if you were shooting for irony, it seems more like you fell into the trap that you were trying to criticize.

I think otto said it best - you've gotta find balance. Otherwise, you just come across as what you're trying to dissuade others from.
Do you feel warm within your cage?

And have you figured out yet -


Life goes by?
Quote by Hydra150
There's a dick on Earth, too
It's you
#7
I get what you're going for but I don't get much out of it. I like some of this a lot and want to see you post more but on the whole, it doesn't make me think any differently, feel any emotion, or enjoy you're thoughts. I just don't think it's very tactfully done, with all due respect. Tackling something that critiques itself must be more than just flowery words demoting flowery words (to oversimplify things). And the language, in kent (ottoavist)'s terms sounds kind of thesaurusesque in that it sounds much to forced for the topic at hand. More like this piece was coughed up than smoothly penned down.

Hopefully that was a little helpful and hopefully I don't come across as a jerk cause I think you have potential and hope you stick around.

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#8
yea i get that jimi and otto. I guess that's what I was going for-making people think differently about their writing a bit but I guess it just didn't work in many ways. I didn't want it to be overly smoothed down though, but I suppose some could help.

Strat I don't really agree with you, 'cause i think it is about analytical minds and it wasn't really shooting for irony--i think that is kind of missing the point. I just like the paradox in that it adds some interest. Although I would have rather written something that tried to appeal to emotion rather than logic, but I was unable haha.

Anywho, I was just saying that if you craft every word to perfection it ends up being an unstable atom that can't ever exist outside of a vacuum--ya know? Sometimes I read these 'great' writers on UG and my brain says it's good, you can tell they put a lot of time into it. Every line is exact and 'perfect,' without a flaw to be seen. Personally I don't really enjoy that kind of writing, it feels almost inhuman to me in its perfection. I kind of wanted to know if anyone agreed or disagreed with that concept rather than just critting the piece. So? haha

btw strat, do you have anything up around here?
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Last edited by zipppy2006 at Feb 25, 2009,