#1
I know I'm stretching the posting limit but I'm turning this in for workshop in my poetry class and need opinions on how to revise this ASAP. won't post anything for another week. pwomise. c4c.


“Goodbye Guys”

The lake:
Whatever line that existed between the frozen and unfrozen is gone
The city:
Rainy and overcast, skyscrapers cast shadows.
His coat in shreds, headphones and walkman from 1994
Bloodlines under his eyes mixes in with his pupils
And his low laugh manic

A hand darts out in desperation,
A gosling eats from his palm,
A bread bag rustles darkly in the can.

By the way the ducks linger
You can tell he’s not going to be coming back.

He stops, turns back,
And deliberately whispers
#3
His coat in shreds, headphones and walkman from 1994
Bloodlines under his eyes mixes in with his pupils
And his low laugh manic

I'll just say that I think this should have punctuation to make it clearer and that, grammatically, that 'mixes' should be 'mix'.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
i like the verbage and adjectives.

i am impressed and inspired by them.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
I like it. I mean, it depends on my interpretation of it of course, but I liked it. I kinda wanted it to be longer, I couldn't really identify with him or really get into it because by the time I got a feel for it and for what was going on it was over. I agree about changing it to "mix", I think it will say what you want but it will fit the tense you're writing in. I'm not sure I liked the ending, but at the same time, I think that actually filling in the blank with what he whispered probably couldn't have lived up to any sort of ending befitting for this song. So good stuff. Perhaps just a bit more length please If you could crit "Following Evangeline" in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
#6
Quote by #1 synth

“Goodbye Guys”

The lake:
Whatever line that existed between the frozen and unfrozen is gone
The city:
Rainy and overcast, skyscrapers cast shadows.
His coat in shreds, headphones and walkman from 1994
Bloodlines under his eyes mixes in with his pupils
And his low laugh manic

A hand darts out in desperation,
A gosling eats from his palm,
A bread bag rustles darkly in the can.

By the way the ducks linger
You can tell he’s not going to be coming back.

He stops, turns back,
And deliberately whispers


Well, and I think what he's whispering is "Goodbye guys," right?

"The lake" - I know what it is you're saying in this section, but it feels stilted; awkward. Like you know what you're trying to say, but you didn't quite nail it, even in your own mind. I think part of the problem is you have a deeply complex noun as the subject (whatever line that existed between the frozen and unfrozen) and a verb so simple that it's really just a negation of the subject. There would be a few ways to revise this:

Gone is whatever line that... (this one is probably terrible)
The line is gone, that... (note that this one needs that comma, grammatically - it's because the adjectival clause follows the verb, rather than the noun it modifies...)

Another issue, though, is that I think the complex subject is too complex, and that's a wording thing. I would suggest a hyphenated noun, rather than using so many words. Or a kenning, if you want to be all nordic. I just suggest some kind of revision at the core of the phrase, because a noun that complex is hard to keep track of. Maybe something like:

"Last week's frost-line is gone" or "worn away, Thiassi's belt." Okay, maybe that's TOO nordic. Something like that makes the line simultaneously: easier to read, simpler to parse, and groovier-of-poesy. Okay, now I'm wrapping myself up in words. Moving on.

I loved the specificity of "the city" description, encroaching dirty and beat up on "the lake," but coming with charity. Nice. The description of the guy was great (although the other two comments are correct - it should be "mix," not "mixes"). I could almost smell him. Ew.

The "hand darts out" stanza is very good, loved the image, very visual. However, two things:

1. a gosling is a baby goose, not a baby duck. You want duckling, if you're talking about ducks...
2. the bread bag in the can... what can? You clearly have a specific idea of what you're talking about, but I don't have a clue. Why is this guy's bread bag in a can? Is this a specific brand of bread bag that you have experience with, that I don't? Is there a big can of bread bags by the side of the lake? Unless there's a compelling reason to keep the can, I say kick it.

Kick the can! I crack me up.

Sorry. No, seriously, the can should probably go. You could also put in some explanation of it, if you really need to - probably in "the city's" section.

I loved the ending, myself, but it is a bit of a stretch to come to the last line and return to the title for the punch-line. I'm not suggesting that you change it, but I do suggest that you get used to people not getting it

And in the event that you're inclined to return a critique, here's a little song I wrote .

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 23, 2009,
#7
I'll do this over properly if I can find something helpful to say, but on first read, this was a gorgeous little piece. I had a moment when I read the title and thought "No, Dylan is leaving us." Don't scare me like that