#1
(Verse 1)
Oh, the things I've seen in my past
Terrorize my thoughts after dark
I chase sleep with legs in casts
Waiting for dreams to embark
The pills have quit working
Somewhere the Sandman is lurking

(Chorus)
Seeing things that aren't really there
Become the insomniac's nightmare
It's too late I've lost all my faith
Because i freed my self of my wraith
I want to take a pill of lead
So i can sleep in a satin bed

(Verse 2)
My blade is dull the logs stay whole
I can feed the world with my sheep
My mind wanders I've lost control.
I would give my soul to fall asleep.
Monsters are emerging from the bog
I hear gnarring deep inside the fog

Chorus

(Verse 3)
I palliate with canned heat
But the lies always come back up
Insomniacs know they can't cheat
Waiting for the sky to black
Waiting for the beasts to attack

I need help with the Chorus!
#2
read that before bed, it'll put you right to sleep.... haha just kidding. Seems a little forced, but it is a tough topic. Maybe give it a few days and try to write more organically on the chorus or something, I think the rhyming is forcing it more than anything.

I did like it, especially the idea, has a nice vibe to it.
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#4
Tell your singer to stop being a *****. Just kidding. He probably wouldn't take it so well. To help with the rhyming issue, play with the rhymes a bit. For instance, rather than rhyming "dark" with "embark", you could say "Waiting for dreams to start". It still has that -ar sound, but it is different enough to stay fresh. You can do the same thing with lots of your rhymes. Don't be afraid to poke around a rhyming dictionary or a thesaurus (if you can't find a rhyme for a word, look up that word in the thesaurus for a suitable substitute, then look for a rhyme for THAT word). Also, perhaps the a-a-b-b-c-c rhyme scheme should be nixed in the chorus. Regardless of what you're singer thinks, he's a fool if he thinks it won't get old in 30 seconds. "I would give my soul to fall asleep" seems to have too many syllables, perhaps change it to "I would give my soul for some sleep"? Perhaps drop the "deep" so that the last line of that stanza reads "I hear gnarring inside the fog" (on a side note: What the heck is gnarring? ) Basically, look for places to reword things to smooth it out, like the first two lines of the last stanza. The emphases on the syllables makes it a bit clunky. Try shifting words around to make it read with a set meter and you might like it more. All in all good stuff. And really, if you're vocalist NEEDS aabbcc rhyme to sing, you might want to find a new one. And you can tell him I said that. If you could crit "Following Evangeline" in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Take it easy.
#5
Monaghan plays Jack, an insomniac in the city, fading in and out of reality through his own thoughts. He suffers many hallucinations including visions of the dead, in particular his best friend. He continually tells himself to wake up, but Jack is not asleep. He kills himself only to find that it is another hallucination, and only once morning comes do things stabilize even marginally, still creeping into insanity.
#6
Hannan2008 plays a faintly loony forum member, posting non-sequiturs, slowly driving everyone else into insanity.

I tend to echo the several-and-not-only-things that theoneandonlyq said. I think you're trying to force the rhymes to hard. There are some nice images, mostly one-liners. I might suggest taking the best ideas and making them into a verse, rather than forcing lines that don't quite make the cut into a verse. Maybe something like:

My blade is dull the logs stay whole
I can feed the world with my sheep
My mind wanders I've lost control
I would give my soul to fall asleep
Terrorize my thoughts after dark
Waiting for dreams to embark

There's also no reason not to repeat a verse if you've already said everything you want to say in the song (.30-06 has a song called Boy Wonder that consists entirely of the words "She believes in love; God knows why, but that's what she believes in." Amazingly powerful song.) Then maybe take some of the remaining imagery and rework the chorus?

I chase sleep with legs in casts
Hoping my nightmare doesn't last <-- this is a line I threw in to make it work
Seeing things that aren't really there
Become the insomniac's nightmare

One thing I frequently do in my choruses is add a line to the end that doesn't fit the rhyming pattern - it can be very useful, depending on the meter and what's going on in the music to have a little hook to get back to the verse's melody. Your song, of course, I'm just making suggestions.

The last thing: it's a pet peeve of mine, as anyone can tell you whose read some of my critiques, but you totally don't need end-line punctuation in a poem (mid-line punctuation can be good), so I'd say dump the periods unless they really are the end of sentences and you're using conventional prose punctuation throughout. But you're not.

Anyway, if you did take my suggestion and repeat the verse, probably you'd want a bridge, but you don't necessarily need vocals on it.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Feb 24, 2009,