#1
Might as well post this.


Love In A Calendar

She picked me up at 7,
our reservation for quarter past.
I had offered to drive,
but she insisted that she did
because she knew how I could get
after only a couple of drinks
and she'd hate to end the night
with a taxi ride.

We arrived on time
and were shown to our seats,
no surprise the place was packed,
it being February 14th.
We both got the usual,
me a half-rack of hickory ribs,
her a "sizzling stir-fry"
or something along those lines.

Nobody is afraid to spend a little extra cash on this day,
I thought, as I noticed some people
staying for dessert and others
draining a bottle of champagne.
Everyone with a smile
and wearing scars shaped like hearts
left by bow and arrow.
So we did the same
doing our best to fit in, her and I,
trying to compete with love at first sight.

Once our evening was over
she drove me back home.
I got out and walked to the other side
as she rolled down her window.
I leaned in and gave her
a peck on the cheek,
"Same time next year?"
We both knew the answer,
because I'm only allowed to love her
on Valentines Day.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 23, 2009,
#2
To be honest, the only thing that hit were the last two. Everything else was... fluff. It was bullshit. You could have written something worth reading to frame a really shocking/touching moment at the end. Some form of a dark comedy; but instead you just spoon fed me things that didn't hit or matter.

Sorry to be blunt; but the first stanzas were so slow and unnecessary it ruined what could have been a really solid piece for me.
#3
Yeah I know what you're saying. Because I had to use taxi ride, sizzling, and bow and arrow, I had trouble making everything serve a purpose.

Thanks.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 26, 2009,