#1
Came up with this in about two days. C4C as always, just don't tell me it sucks lol.

She’s soaring with the scars
Every turn and every twist yeah
Is mapped out on her wrist there
She lets it get to her
Oh how their words can hurt her
I just want to comfort her
But is it really worth it?
JUST to be perfect?
JUST to be perfect?

Well I don’t think so
She’s gotta know
That she’s so beautiful to me
Stupid young men
True beauty comes from within
I’m so glad that they can’t see
Cause she’s so beautiful to me

She’s on another trip
Vomit’s dripping from her lips
Yeah, Weight’s melting off her hips there
Trying to squeeze into that dress
Just to impress all the boys
That make her so depressed yeah
But is it really worth it?
JUST to be with them?
JUST to be with them?

Well I don’t think so
She’s gotta know
That she’s so beautiful to me
Stupid young men
True beauty comes from within
I’m so glad that they can’t see
Cause she’s so beautiful to me

Baby it’s ok
You don’t have to do those things
I love you just the way that you are
Baby it’s ok
You don’t have to do those things
I love you just the way that you are
Just the way that you are

Whoa oh
I just want her to know
That she’s so beautiful to me
Stupid young men
True beauty comes from within
I’m so glad that they can’t see
Cause she’s so beautiful to me
Last edited by Mlnwd at Feb 24, 2009,
#2
When I saw "acoustic/pop" I thought to myself "Oh man, this is going to be pretty bad." After reading through it, I stand corrected. I honestly can't think of much to suggest, but I'll try so that this doesn't become one of those useless "It was good... yeah" crits. The idea in general is sorta cliche, and while your writing was pretty good, there wasn't a LOT to set it apart from all of the other songs about this exact same thing. Possibly some fresh imagery or personalizing details would make it a bit more unique. Something about "stupid young men" seemed weak or juvenile. It kinda lacked the power of the rest of your writing. Perhaps some different adjectives like foolish or something (not the greatest example but still). Just stupid and foolish seem to lack clout. Honestly... that's it. Also, when you say "I love you just the way that you are", I think I personally would like the flow better if you took out the "that", so it read "just the way you are". The "that" was like a minor speed bump to me. Not bad enough that I really suggest you take it out, but if it isn't really necessary for what you have planned for the music, then you may want to consider taking it out. Really good stuff. I rarely find a song I actually can't find much to crit... I feel almost like a failure or something. Great writing. If you could crit "Following Evangeline" in my sig, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
#3
I admire your compassion and your passion, alike. I wonder if there's a way to express the same sentiments with a lighter touch. Reading this is almost like being led to compassion by a bit in the mouth, rather than being shown the situation and given permission to feel our own compassion.

I mean, it's okay if we hear your compassion, too. But reading along, here, I'm not feeling compassion so much as alarm. Like, "Wow! This girl needs help!"

All that said, I did check out your youtube channel, and you have a knack for guitar and a nice voice. Keep on rockin' in the free world, dude. I'll follow your posts, as I see them pop up. If you'd like to crit one of mine, it's here.