#1
Bleh, ots. Done last night. Take it as it is.

c4c.



[u]"Remember."[/u]


Sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A silent whisper that puts a smile on your lips
Like the morning sun,
A touch of gold gracing your soul
Like
A firefly lighting the night
The sweet scent of a fresh rose
A painting with a million colors
A flame that’ll never burn out
[I]Something that you’ll never let go[/I]

But sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A cold gust that puts a tear in your eye
Like the evening sun,
Where the sun falls and the air gets cold
Like
A firefly's dying flicker
Sleeping on a bed of thorns
A crumpled piece of paper
A flame that’ll never light
[I]Something that’ll never let you go.[/I]
Last edited by UVER at Jun 17, 2009,
#2
I like the idea of the contrast. I think that you put too much weight on that contrast though. It was too sort of... direct. Descriptions like "crumpled' and "thorny" are a bit awkward. In a sense I found that this tripped itself up a lot with the long lead-on sentences and the fact that not that much really tied together within the piece. I think you've got a good foundation to improve on though.

I don't want a big crit in return, but could you leave a thought on the piece I just posted? I need an opinion ASAP so I know whether to delete it or not. Thanks.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
Thanks for the crit.

Well, it was just a big medley of thoughts i had last night before bed. I might come back to it later and strengtens it a bit, but well that was the point of the ots. Letting my mind write what i felt and not thinking about "how this could go better or that could go better" etc... I'll see.

And again, thx.
#4
"Remember."

Sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A silent whisper that puts a smile on your lips
Like the morning sun,
A touch of gold embracing your soul
Like
A firefly lightening the night
The sweet scent of a fresh rose
A painting with a million colors
A flame that’ll never burn out
Something that you’ll never let go

I read "embracing" as "gracing." I like "like" as a single word line in both stanzas. "Lightening" sounds akward. maybe just "lighting"?

But sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A cold gust that puts a tear in your eye
Like a winter night,
Where the sun falls and the air gets cold
Like
A cloud blackening the day
A thorny rose you can’t hold
A crumpled piece of paper
A flame that’ll never light
Something that’ll never let you go.

3rd and 4th line would be better if they were more directly related to the sun. Perhaps something like:
"Like the evening sun,
a path that leads to darkness"
6th line should stick with the firefly. perhaps:
"A firefly's dying flicker,As it's smeared on the wet concrete"
7th was a good idea, but its just not phrased in a pleasing manner.
I LOVE THE LAST LINE!!!


Great idea. And I loved the way it played out, I just think that you should maybe stick to a more direct comparison.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1074651
^
Here is mine if you have the time.

-Ryan
#5
Thanks !

for the ideas also, kept "like the evening sun" and "a firefly's dying flicker". Also changed 7th line of 2nd stanza.
#6
I think the "sometimes" at the very beginning seems a bit out of place

Like the morning sun,
This line also seems a bit awkward, like it doesn't want to be there

I did like how the word "Like" was separated from the rest, nice emphasis there

Using "but sometimes" helps justify the "sometimes" i mentioned earlier, but really I think this would be just fine without either of those lines,

I like the contrast of the second stanza, though most of it seemed a little awkward, like you were running out of analogies there....

That last line, however, is pure gold
Very nice work, I enjoyed this one
#7
As far as straight lyrics go, thats pretty sweet. really good. I like the emphasis on like and pretty much all the second stanza. How would these tie into music? over something acoustic but layered perhaps?
#8
I really liked the idea of the contrast as well, especially when the first line was repeated, as if the same thing can be views as good and bad by different people, I thought you did very well there.

I do think some of your imagery was a bit cliché, but I think that you have the right mind to create some beautiful things. I'll keep an eye out.

This was interesting. I liked it.
This is not a pipe
#9
greyeyedgire : Thanks. ^^

Hammerzeit : Thanks. I don't think I'll be making music for this, and let it as a poem.

Carmel : Thank ya. I know about those little clichés in my writing, but usually when I can't think/or don't wanna bother xD, i just put them, i think they fit nicely.

Again, thx.
#10
Quote by UVER
Bleh, ots. Done last night. Take it as it is.

c4c.


"Remember."

Sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A silent whisper that puts a smile on your lips
Beautiful.
Like the morning sun,
A touch of gold embracing your soul
Like
I disliked this on its own, it kind of ruined the flow.
A firefly lighting the night
The sweet scent of a fresh rose
A painting with a million colors
A flame that’ll never burn out
The other lines were good, other than this one. I didn't like it at all, it seemed a bit cliche.
Something that you’ll never let go

But sometimes

Memories are like the wind,
A cold gust that puts a tear in your eye
Like the evening sun,
Where the sun falls and the air gets cold
Again, fantastic. The imagery is amazing. I, however, didn't particularly like the reptition of 'sun'.
Like
A firefly's dying flicker
Sleeping on a bed of thorns
This line was horribly cliche.
A crumpled piece of paper
A flame that’ll never light
Something that’ll never let you go.


.



This was fantastic, beautiful, I loved it! In all seriousness, other than what I've pointed out, this truly was awesome. Change what I've said, and it'll be breath taking!

Thanks for the crit on mine!
#12
Thank you ! I'll try thinking of something better to replace those lines.
#13
I think this is rly beautiful,
I Like the repetition used with the contrast.
The imagery is amazing.

Only thing is the Embracing as Gracing - thats my only thing with that

C4C mine if youd like
#14
Thanks.

I think I'll change "embracing" to "gracing". Didn't thought of that while writing it.