#1
Okay, this is my rap-ish style song, and as you can probably tell, it's actually fairly well along in my little development process, but it's still kinda fresh n new, so it's not like it's set in stone or anything.

Also, this one is inspired my extremely dysfunctional parents-son relationship, so it is pretty angry and go ahead and consider this my....

BAD LANGUAGE WARNING
Don't read this if you're easily upset by use of those oh so special words


You Can't Write Music With an Eraser (Blood Works Just Fine, Though)


It's the way you bitch and moan at me
It's all just a reflex to you now, you're so ****ing pathetic
I've never needed your help, I never even wanted it
You're useless to me and you're poison to her, and now she's just like you
There's nothing about you I ever loved, not even the attempt
You weak-hearted pieces of ****, just let me go, don't hold me back
That's all you've ever done, All these wasted years behind me
I blame you for every ****ing one, I can never forgive you
I can't believe I'm even wasting my time on this
I swore I never would, But I broke that vow in the hopes that
Your ears will bleed as these words crash in, so
I hope your spirits burn, I hope you cry until you're dry
All through this song, screaming "Where did we go wrong?"
Because I know you're as blind as you wish I would be
You couldn't even see that you were wrong from the start

--Chorus--
So come after me with your pitiful tears
It won't do you any good this time
I'm already gone and I'm never coming back
Just forget about me, I'm going Home

You can't make it up to me, you can't buy my heart back
Your negligence has put a price on my head, but it can't touch my soul
Sure, it may be scarred, but it's still priceless and out of your reach
I'm not singing this for blood but for the tears in your eyes
Don't act like you're surprised, we all saw this coming
You knew wouldn't last, I'm just too strong
Now the lock on the door of the cage you put me in has
Shattered just like the life you had planned out for me
And the monster the cage held back is roaming free around the world
And the worst part about it is what feels so good
That the monster inside will save more than you could ever destroy

Chorus

So all these dreams that I've wasted for you
They're all coming back now, holding me and haunting you
So when you wake up screaming in the middle of the night
You know its your own damn fault
You shouldn've know that I would never have abandoned myself
You should've known that I would leave you crying in the dark
And now you're afraid that I never loved you
But I'm afraid you never gave yourself that chance

Chorus
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Feb 24, 2009,
#2
wow, that was amazing, it's so angry but it's like really good.. just Wow
Quote by sebbsmith
It's hard to read with all these pictures distracting me.


I'm On The Highway To Hell!
Highway To Hell!
#3
Your ears will bleed as these words crash in, so
Your negligence has put a price on my head, but it can't touch my soul
I'm not singing this for blood but for the tears in your eyes
^I liked these lines alot.

"Just forget about me, I'm going Home"
I might consider changing the last part to "I'm moving on"

Overall this spoke to me alot. I feel like most of the lines are awsome and I would really like to hear a recording of this.
Some of it does read a bit akward but I figure that will be fixed with the rhythm changes.

Sorry I did'nt do a full critique. I didn't have enough negative things to say lol.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1074651
Here's mine if you have time

-Ryan
#4
"Just forget about me, I'm going Home"
I might consider changing the last part to "I'm moving on"

Ya, I'm not honestly too crazy about that line myself, but I wanted the concept of 'home' in there, to point out that I don't feel at home around them.... I'll probably end up changing that line a bit before I finish up. I'm thinking maybe "I'm leaving for home" or "I'm finding home" or something along those lines...?

Really, my goal is to make every line one of those "amazing" lines that you like a lot, though, so if there's anything about this song that just doesn't scream "DAMN !!", let me know
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Feb 24, 2009,
#5
"I'm leaving for home"
^
this is better. could perhaps still use a bit more work.

All through this song, screaming "Where did we go wrong?"
^
upon reading this again, I don't think I care for the part in quotes. I like the idea, but I think there could prolly be a better way to say it.

Thanks for looking at mine.
-Ryan
#6
ya, I'm pretty sure ima change that line to

All through this song, screaming to know when you went wrong

well, not 100% sure, but im fighting myself to keep that word "wrong" in there for some reason, it just feels like it needs to be said there

n no prob, just let me know when there are any others, i'd be glad to look at em all
#7
This was really intense. Rap will work really well with this. I liked the first stanza the most. It got me really interested in the whole piece. The length stood out to me, but reading it through made me want to keep reading it.

I couldn't find anything I would have changed. I like this a lot. Great work.
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
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#8
I stopped reading about halfway into the first stanza and skipped down to the chorus part.

I'm going to be completely blunt in order to help you grow as a writer; don't take this personally.

This was bad. It's such a cliche angry piece; shows no originality and has all the writing prowess of a journal entry from a suicidal friend who's being abandoned by his friends. You need to focus on writing with more originality; otherwise you will be swept under the rug... because you won't stand out at all. This is just normal angry writing... lots of swearing and pointing fingers and screaming and all that bullshit. Try writing on something less "normal."

I'd recommend the following:

  • First, find something smaller to write about. Limit your focus; and don't take on the "normal" and "easy" topics. Write about looking out your window and feeling refreshed. Write about watching a fly hover next to the wall. Write about things like that to hone your skills; so that when you approach bigger things you'll have the skills to nail it down.
  • Back off the swearing. It can be used to create a tone; to paint a gorgeous scene; etc... but you need to have control of your words before you can use it well. In this piece, the writing controlled you. You didn't maintain control of the ideas and whatnot; and it showed. It made this feel very novice. You need to have better control before you can pull that off.
  • Keep writing. A lot. Write stupid ideas, write good ideas, write random ideas. Just write. Keep a notebook for when you are stuck with random good "one-liners" and build pieces around the ideas in them. Just keep writing.




If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I didn't break this down, because the main flaw was your approach... which lead to all the other flaws.

-zC
#9
I'm also going to be honest, but in companionship with other posters.

At first, i thought this was a great piece, a lot of anger and emotion, and was going to echo the sentiments of the first 3 posters, but then i reached ZanasCross's crit.
After reading what he said above, i re-read your piece, and i determined that a lot of what he said holds true. Through the second read, i kept saying to myself, this reminds me a lot of Eminem's "The Way I Am" in its style and force, not in its lyrics. However, zC had said something about it sounding a bit like "a journal entry from a suicidal friend who's being abandoned by his friends." i wouldn't be that blunt, but this is somewhat true also.

Sorry mate. The emotion and force is excellent, but the foundation is unsound.

#10
ya, i've actually been reading this over and over and I see it too now
zC's totally right, though I feel i should point out

-this originally didn't have swearing in it, i put it all in on the recommendation of some of my close friends, and I actually kind of like the effect it added
-For about the last year,I've actually been carrying several journals around, one for writing songs, one for editing songs, one for drawing whatever comes to mind, and one for writing whatever random crap comes to my head

anyways, this will probably join the ranks of stuff written down that will never go any farther, though I will probably write something else about this topic eventually, but not after some practice