#1
hanging with Golem.

you are as empty as
all this and so much more:

i keep going back
i keep going back
and today will be different.
so i go to the well to draw
my fulfillment,
and it gives me salt and sand;
i dive in and disappear
forever
into the sound of my own
echoes of help and desperation.

i feel like less than anything now.
and i forget you like a debt.
and i resent you like an angel.
so i break you like a stubborn animal;
and rip your virgin will till it bleeds
all over me.
this is sick, and maybe we should die
together.

but soon i find the decaying remnants
of ones who were here before me,
and i feel bad for you;
nothing but death inside her(e).

so i take off my shirt

and rest my head on it

and say goodbye,

to you, myself, and everything

i couldn't fucking understand about this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Feb 24, 2009,
#2
Very good imagery
Reading this, I could see the story unfolding before, i particularly like the "her(e)", it could mean quite a bit of things and some ambiguity is always nice, and also how the "together" was on a separate line, very strong writing
#3
Quote by ottoavist
hanging with Golem.

you are as empty as
all this and so much more:

i keep going back
i keep going back
and today will be different.
so i go to the well to draw
my fulfillment,
and it gives me salt and sand;
i dive in and disappear
forever
into the sound of my own
echoes of help and desperation.

i feel like less than anything now.
and i forget you like a debt.
and i resent you like an angel.
so i break you like a stubborn animal;
and rip your virgin will till it bleeds
all over me.
this is sick, and maybe we should die
together.

but soon i find the decaying remnants
of ones who were here before me,
and i feel bad for you;
nothing but death inside her(e).

so i take off my shirt

and rest my head on it

and say goodbye,

to you, myself, and everything

i couldn't fucking understand about this.


It's an interesting piece, and there's deifinitely stuff to appreciate, here. I think your choice of line breaks could be better. When you're writing poetry, I suggest that you actually read it aloud to yourself until you develop the skill of "reading it aloud in your head.*" Hearing yourself stumble over line breaks is probably a sign that the line needs to be broken somewhere else.

A bad poetry teacher once told me not to begin lines with prepositions, but that's schoolmarmish thuggery along the lines of not splitting infinitives or not ending a sentence with a preposition. When writing, one should use the conventions of vocabulary and grammar to convey your meaning, but when the rules get broken (or twisted), and the meaning is conveyed anyway, that's called poetry. The problem is that you actually need to convey the meaning, or it's called gobbledygook

Oh, and I have developed a personal vendetta against end-of-line punctuation in the last several days I've been on this forum. It only gets in the way of the poem. Unless you are breaking up an otherwise-grammatically-accurate prose sentence and using it in poetry, don't punctuate between lines; it's ugly and distracting (and usually wrong...).

For example: so i break you like a stubborn animal; and rip your virgin will till it bleeds all over me. this sentence is grammatically incorrect. If the two segments separated by the semi-colon were independent clauses, you could use the semi-colon but not the word "and." Alternately, you could use a comma plus the word "and" (or any appropriate conjunction). However, they are not independent clauses, and in this case no punctuation is appropriate. so i break you like a stubborn animal and rip your virgin will till it bleeds all over me. Like that. I do have to say, though, that the image is beautiful and brutal at the same time. Very nice balancing act all through the poem, in fact.

Anyway, unfortunately I'm running out of time to finish up this note, or I would give you some concrete examples of the line-break thing I'm talking about. PM me, if you'd like me to do that, and I'll come back to your poem later (probably this afternoon or evening).

peace
#4
that piece i enloyed...
reminded me of early MCR days, if that is not an offense to you.
Every form of control over another person is a crime

AEK Athens
Asteras Exarcheion
Prasini Thyella
Rayo Vallecano

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#5
I found this difficult to read. The line breaks really seemed to hinder this in quite a few places. But even then, this piece just really didn't do anything for me. I'm sorry
#7
Some people clearly have opinions. But opinions without any information to expand on them, or without any facts to back them up can be perilously close to insults, rather than criticism. There's nothing that a poet (or any artist) can learn from an insult, except that the people doing the insulting are being insulting.

I starred the phrase "reading aloud in your head," meaning to talk about it later in my post, but I ran out of time. What I mean, essentially, is to come up with a character in your head (or several) who can read the poem to you in a voice that's not "your own." I use a number of them, depending on what I'm doing. Sometimes it's Dick Van Dyke's chimney sweep from Mary Poppins, a very useful voice for poetry or prose alike; sometimes it's David Bowie or Robert Plant, if I'm writing a song. I might be weird in that regard. In fact, when I demonstrated the technique, one time, I'm pretty convinced that everyone in the class thought I was a lunatic.

It is, however, helpful for developing a sense of rhythm and for taking the poem outside your own voice so that you can hear it afresh.

peace
#8
well, i liked the line breaks. it isolates what is meant to hit home.

"i forget you like a debt." -this is tight.

the only thing i didn't like is the excessive use of "and", but you may be doing that for a reason. if not, sentence variety.
#9
ugh, to be honest I didn't like it in the way it brought back some bad memories in a very vivid way, haha. but they poetry is sick, very well done, very emotional and ...clean? I don't know why that word comes to mind but it does. Especially like the ending.
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