#1
Sorry about not having read the rules. I admin a site, and didn't think much of it (we have a very loose rules set, though it's no excuse).
I apologise for looking like an idiot.

A note on my writing style: I have issues just telling things as they are, so I hide/help out the actual ideas by using so much symbolism that it becomes surrealist. If you can, post what you find the meaning to be, because I always enjoy it. If you don't know what something means, ask, I'll gladly answer.

~~~

[Verse 1]
Sit around and watch a man on fire
Feel the heat and watch him burn
out
Flames licking like a lover's tongue
colors bright with red intensity
invisible flame in living rivers
pool in hearts and minds and souls
see no pain, only intent
hope the fire never ends

[Chorus]
Vision's spinning
Walls are melting
Feels like the earth's about to explode
The only thing I can see clearly
A goddess here to make the world erode
She watches me with eyes like the sun
I can see my own heart pounding
Turn to watch a pheonix dying
The first life of brand new world

[Verse 2]
Watch the snakes dance with each other
feel the power of the setting sun
The moon is water, grass is clouds
everything's turning upside down
Swim in water, cool and cleansing
grab a raft, drift about
The sea is turning, viscious, churning,
but the raft will never drown

{Chorus}

[Bridge]
Warm needles pierce paper skin
Without the needles pain begins
like a healing knife
a quiet din
taste mistakes
like strawberry sin
They are the foundation of this new religion
we don't pray
we just feel
no sin aside from other temples
no rules
we just live

[Verse 3]
Sometimes there's a war in my head
all the people pick their side
there's no reason for these battles
no wrong and no right, oh
I am the child of a lock and key
I am the daughter of warring tribes
I am the son of a thousand days here
I live with snakes on invisible fire

~~~

I'd appreciate any comments you have on it. Any CnC is helpful.
Last edited by archangel1024 at Mar 1, 2009,
#2
I feel bad for reporting you, so
blackdot. Also, CnC (what does it mean?). Never seen that one before
#4
lol, does slang and shorthand actually do anything except slow things down? lol

I think it means he's noted it down somehow so he'll come back to it.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
Quote by archangel1024

Sorry for taking so long.

[Verse 1]
Sit around and watch a man on fire
Feel the heat and watch him burn
out You use "watch him" twice. I don't know if "out is important enough to merit its own line.
Flames licking like a lover's tongue
colors bright with red intensity
invisible flame in living rivers
pool in hearts and minds and souls
see no pain, only intent
hope the fire never ends
The whole stanza feels very disconnected. Even if it isn't, it would be nice if you linked the various images together. Basically: I wish it would tell more of a story.
[Chorus]
Vision's spinning
Walls are melting
Feels like the earth's about to explode
The only thing I can see clearly
A goddess here to make the world erode
She watches me with eyes like the sun
I can see my own heart pounding
Turn to watch a pheonix dying
The first life of brand new world

[Verse 2]
Watch the snakes dance with each other
feel the power of the setting sun
The moon is water, grass is coulds coulds?
everything's turning upside down
Swim in water, cool and cleansing
grab a raft, drift about
The sea is turning, viscious, churning,
but the raft will never drown

{Chorus}

[Bridge]
Warm needles pierce paper skin
Without the needles pain begins
like a healing knife
a quiet din
taste mistakes
like strawberry sin I like these couple of lines
They are the foundation of this new religion
we don't pray
we just feel
no sin aside from other temples
no rules
we just live

[Verse 3]
Sometimes there's a war in my head
all the people pick their side
there's no reason for these battles
no wrong and no right, oh
I am the child of a lock and key
I am the daughter of warring tribes
I am the son of a thousand days here
I live with snakes on invisible fire

~~~


I'll end up writing a lot down here, because I don't want to repeat myself on every stanza. Like I said above, it would be great if it told more of a story. Also, it feels like you went out of control with your descriptives and images here. All that is good, but everything can be bad in too great a quantity. If you toned down your style some, it would make your writing much more mature sounding, not to mention the fact that all that imagery diffuses your theme so much that it's hard to take anything away from this. Next, try use punctuation. It can be used in combination with line breaks to create pauses and emphasis. In response to your request for "meaning", I don't want to go back and spend a lot of time on it, but it seems to be about the human race as a whole and how things are changing.

C4C? Birthday cards in my sig.
#6
Quote by meh!
lol, does slang and shorthand actually do anything except slow things down? lol

I think it means he's noted it down somehow so he'll come back to it.


There's that little black dot that shows up on thread icons if you've posted, so you can remember to go back to it. Black dot.

Not like I think you actually didn't know what that meant...

I'd love to hear this with some music, I'm not going to comment on words until I know what the vision is. I know that's silly. I think these could be really good if presented in the right way.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by Hesh
I'll end up writing a lot down here, because I don't want to repeat myself on every stanza. Like I said above, it would be great if it told more of a story. Also, it feels like you went out of control with your descriptives and images here. All that is good, but everything can be bad in too great a quantity. If you toned down your style some, it would make your writing much more mature sounding, not to mention the fact that all that imagery diffuses your theme so much that it's hard to take anything away from this. Next, try use punctuation. It can be used in combination with line breaks to create pauses and emphasis. In response to your request for "meaning", I don't want to go back and spend a lot of time on it, but it seems to be about the human race as a whole and how things are changing.

C4C? Birthday cards in my sig.


My first stanza could use a little work, I guess . I didn't notice that I repeated a line, I'll have to toy with it a bit.

Meaning is a personal thing, I was interested as to whether or not anyone would pick it up, it's partially a love song, partially me freaking out about graduating this year. I like using nondescript images without clear definition, because it makes it more open for interpretation and application to an individual. You picked up a meaning that I hadn't noticed before. If I tone down the lines, that might get lost, but I can try it in the future.

Coulds was supposed to be clouds *shrug* I'll edit it in a sec.