#1

Between your sheets
of paper, your words escalate
my image, to form it in ink.
Between your sheets
of satin, your speech excites
my skin, marking it with lip prints.
Between you and me,
escape is not an option.



This is not a pipe
#2
I liked the rhyming and the rhythm, especially 'escalate/it in ink'.

I took away from it some idea of active perception of events changing them, 'escalating' them. The personal feeling of domination was strong as well.

That's how you like crits, isn't it?
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
Elegant. In this case, I think that keeping it short actually improved it greatly (from what I imagined a long version of this would be like). I don't have much knowledge of traditional poetic forms, but was this based on a specific poetic structure? It feels very deliberate. I also admire how you managed to bring it to a climax in only a few lines.
After saying all I like about it, I'll try to find things I didn't like. I think "image" could be replaced with something more specific.
... That's really all I can say. Being still a crit noob, I focus on technique, and there just isn't enough actual writing here to make a good technique crit.
gah. I'm reading this in between paragraph breaks and I'm digging a little deeper. The feeling here is not love in its simplest form. There isn't enough positive vibe for that. It's more like a need, almost brutal (looking at phrases like "marking my skin" and "excite")? No, just passion I would say. This feels very similar to your last piece in terms of theme.
Well, it certainly engaged me more than any of the other pieces tonight except perhaps for we have sound's.
#4
Remembering reading somewhere that you only want people opinions and feelings, I shall keep this very brief

#5
Hiya,

well to me, this was a bit flat. It had all the elegance of wine pouring slowly and carefully into a crystal glass... but it was a bit like finding out the wine was just grapejuice. There is so much substance in it; but not the substance I had expected to find.

I felt some of the breaks hurt the read. For instance, I hated the way "to form it in ink" seemed like it was a tacked on conclusion to an idea instead of the rather expansive and surreal and impactful image it was. I felt like it needed its own line. Style differences.

I just feel like you said a lot, but never got around to letting Carmel out. You, from my point of view anyways, have a whole lot to say... and all the tools to say it in the most elegant and eloquent ways, but are too afraid of allowing your personality into the writing. You've come a long way in this manner, but this one still seems a bit closed off to me. It's too calculated in its imagery. Too lovely to express the almost bitter undertones that flow through the content.

I'm just crazy.
#6
Oh carmel
I've been incredibly busy with university appliances portfolios (deadline was today) and job hunting (Just got a call this minute!) and I didn't see that beforeeeee. Thanks for posting!
Quote by Carmel

Between your sheets
of paper, your words escalate
my image, to form it in ink.
Between your sheets
of satin, your speech excites
my skin, marking it with lip prints.
Between you and me,
escape is not an option.


This was elegant. Carmel, you have an understanding of poetry and mostly an ability to be concise yet so god damned efficient that I envy to a point you can hardly imagine. I loved the structure to it's core, the kind of one way, other way, both ways, etc. All of it is clever.

This is more than a piece of writing on an online forum. This is everything art should be.

<3


#7
Like Hesh and circular.parade said, it was elegant.

IMO, it was small, but intense. The ONLY thing I think that hurt a bit is the line breaking. It felt weird at some places. I would see it like this :

Between your sheets of paper,
your words escalate my image,
to form it in ink.
Between your sheets of satin,
your speech excites my skin,
marking it with lip prints.
Between you and me,
escape is not an option.

But well, up to you.

C4C ?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1074995
#8
I really loved this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#9
As you know, UVER is completely wrong about the line breaks. Elegant and concise are the best words that come to mind, but other people have already used them. Let's try economical and succinct.

peace
#10
Well, it's very elegant and... how to say....
short, sweet, and too the point

However, I would hafta agree with Zana up there,
I'll be honest, I don't know you, and after reading this I just don't feel like I know you any better,
there's just no personality in it....

Short isn't my style, but if it's what you like, go for it
just make sure to give yourself enough room to express yourself
#12
I took the first mention of 'sheets' to have double meaning, so when the second was mentioned and took up two lines, it bored me. I've seen these ideas before, but before, they had something extra.

The tone was excellent, however.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Thanks guys, I'm taking everything in. My head's all over the place lately, so please tell me if there's a piece you want me to look at.
This is not a pipe