#1
There's an understated brilliance to sharing a smile with a stranger.
To momentarily lock eyes,
and exchange a small reassurance
That neither of our problems are worth the trouble
they're giving either one of us.
A brief glimpse into the little bit of good
that's still in this hectic world.

We lock eyes, and in that fleeting, optimistic moment
we're alone, together.
In that instant,
We're golden.

Through two panes of glass, we've both found someone
to alleviate some of the world's hurt;
Me through the window of a bus halted at a red light,
and you through the large window
at the front of a small Morristown sidewalk cafe.
The bus slowly lurches forward a bit as the light turns green
and we lose our concrete gaze,
and small, kind, apprehensively reassuring smiles with each other.
I go on with my life,
You with yours.

But thank you, for making me believe once more
that maybe we are inherently good.
Maybe we just need to be shown;
Shown through a blonde haired girl with pale skin,
and soft eyes,
and a perfect smile.


C4C?
Last edited by JakdOnCrack at Feb 26, 2009,
#2
I have no idea why nobody critted this yet. I really liked it. I'll be honest, the line breaks seemed kinda arbitrary, this was more like reading a story except not in paragraph form. Except somehow, the line breaks still felt right, so I like it better this way. Maybe it just brings out what you're saying. And I like what you're saying. It's an interesting idea. One random thing: You repeated the word "problem" in the 4th line, and I don't think you meant to, so you might want to edit that I'm not sure I liked how you repeated "shown" in the last stanza. Putting the same word back to back like that seemed unnecessary and repetitive. I didn't feel like it helped anything enough to be there. That's all I've got to say. Good stuff. C4C on "Following Evangeline" in my sig? Thanks.
#3
Quote by JakdOnCrack
There's an understated brilliance to sharing a smile with a stranger.
This was good, but perhaps weak as a starting point.
To momentarily lock eyes,
and exchange a small reassurance
That neither of our problems problems are worth the trouble
Perhaps that should be "problems' problems"? If not, then I'm not sure I understand why you repeated the word. But if there's a reason, then I'm just not seeing it
they're giving either one of us.
A brief glimpse into the little bit of good
that's still in this hectic world.
Overall, though, I enjoyed the stanza. I can relate to it and it's well written.

We lock eyes, and in that fleeting, optimistic moment
we're alone, together.
In that instant,
We're golden.
This was awesome! No problems at all.

Through two panes of glass, we've both found someone
to alleviate some of the world's hurt;
This was good, but perhaps change 'panes' to barriers? I don't know, I just think of the panes as kind of restricting, or in the way, and 'panes' does not really show that.
Me through the window of a bus halted at a red light,
and you through the large window
at the front of a small Morristown sidewalk cafe.
The bus slowly lurches forward a bit as the light turns green
and we lose our locked eyes,
This line was poorly written, I'd rephrase it.
and small, kind, apprehensively reassuring smiles with each other.
I go on with my life,
You with yours.
The stanza was also dcent, perhaps needed a bit more metaphor and imagery?

But thank you, for making me believe once more
that maybe we are inherently good.
Maybe we just need to be shown;
Shown through a blonde haired girl with pale skin
and soft eyes
and a perfect smile.
A good, solid ending!


C4C?


Overall I quite enjoyed it, I just think you need to tweak things here and there, to make it even better!

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

Thanks
#5
It's very nice, sort of sad, yet happy at the same time
confusing, but in a good way
maybe more 'conflicted' than confusing

anyways, i liked it
#6
I really enjoyed this, However, I felt it could've been said in less words than you have. It started to get a bit repetitive here and there, ideas stated the same, or in slightly different forms. There's nothing wrong with a bit of repetition, but i personally feel this should've been shorter. I'll be back to make myself more useful.
#7
Quote by JakdOnCrack
There's an understated brilliance to sharing a smile with a stranger.
Great first line if you ask me. Perfect way to start.
To momentarily lock eyes,
and exchange a small reassurance
That neither of our problems are worth the trouble
they're giving either one of us.
A brief glimpse into the little bit of good
that's still in this hectic world.
first stanza's great

We lock eyes, and in that fleeting, optimistic moment
we're alone, together.
In that instant,
We're golden.
****in awesome

Through two panes of glass, we've both found someone
to alleviate some of the world's hurt;
Me through the window of a bus halted at a red light,
and you through the large window
at the front of a small Morristown sidewalk cafe.
The bus slowly lurches forward a bit as the light turns green
and we lose our locked eyes,
Maybe try unlock our lost eyes? This is a good line, but it could flow better.
and small, kind, apprehensively reassuring smiles with each other.
I go on with my life,
You with yours.
Great

But thank you, for making me believe once more
that maybe we are inherently good.
Maybe we just need to be shown;
Shown through a blonde haired girl with pale skin
and soft eyes
and a perfect smile.
maybe take out the and right before soft eyes. Otherwise, this is perfect.


C4C?


Dude you are awesome.
#9
Quote by Lum
Your'e single arent you.....

Yes, but that's not what this piece is about. It's just about an experience I had on a bus that really touched me. We were both alone where we sat, and there was just an...understanding between us. We just smiled at each other for 1, maybe 2 seconds tops. But I felt all of that in that small amount of time, it was just beautiful.


Also, thanks so much to everyone who has critted this. I changed "lose our locked eyes" to "lose our concrete gaze". I feel like that's a lot better.
#10
There's an understated brilliance to sharing a smile with a stranger.
To momentarily lock eyes,
and exchange a small reassurance
That neither of our problems are worth the trouble
they're giving either one of us.
A brief glimpse into the little bit of good
that's still in this hectic world.
Third line from the bottom is giving me a bit of trouble, I think because I subconciously want that to be a "they are". For some reason that flows better in my mind.
We lock eyes, and in that fleeting, optimistic moment
we're alone, together.
In that instant,
We're golden.
Awesome. So true too.
Through two panes of glass, we've both found someone
to alleviate some of the world's hurt;
Me through the window of a bus halted at a red light,
and you through the large window
at the front of a small Morristown sidewalk cafe.
The bus slowly lurches forward a bit as the light turns green
and we lose our concrete gaze,
and small, kind, apprehensively reassuring smiles with each other.
I go on with my life,
You with yours.
I disagree with the other comment. Keep "panes". It's much more real than some ambiguous barrier. Also, I would drop "a bit " and change it to "The bus slowly lurches forward as the light turns green".
But thank you, for making me believe once more
that maybe we are inherently good.
Maybe we just need to be shown;
Shown through a blonde haired girl with pale skin,
and soft eyes,
and a perfect smile.
Good repetition and idea here. I loved how you said kind of how we should be shown.

Thanks for the crit on mine. I really liked this one, and what is really creepy is that I wrote a song about almost the exact same thing yesterday (bus and all). Whoa.