#1
This one is meant to be very simple and one of my most emotional in a long time, I wrote it right after a certain pre-Valentine's surprise and wasn't gonna post it here but whatever.

February 14, 2009

Can I walk you home? And just maybe I can get out some of these things you might not have known. But then again i'm sure you saw it everytime you looked into my eyes, the way the light reflected off yours on each occasion they aligned. And i'm sure you saw that smile of mine, it's never been so wide. Or even close, stretched out from coast to coast, just a bit too much to hide. Like I hid behind these wishes, just wishing you were mine. I put my two front teeth under my pillow, and in the morning just a dime. I made my way up to the genie, he said 'son look, there's a line'. I know what to do with lemons but life only gives me limes.

Well happy Valentine's

Can we talk alone? There's some things i'd like to say to you, sans the static of a phone. Things you probably could've guessed when our bodies were aligned, you'd have no intention of leaving, even if you knew the time. And even that became irrelevant somewhere between 4 and 5. I only made you go home cause I had to catch my flight- and that was only the first time. I skipped stones all day but they eventually sank, and I was the captain of my ship, but forced to walk to plank.

Just wanted to say thanks.

For everything you never let unfold, for making such a young man begin to feel so old, and tired, lost and uninspired and cold. I always knew February could be rough, but it's frozen more than just my toes.

Can I walk you home? You know my heart is racing, I've yet to find a way to slow my pulse. Or calm my head, I just wish I could take it apart, show you everything inside. Cause it's all out on the floor in front of you, nothing left for me to hide behind. I'm dying for reassurance what we had wasn't a lie.

And I wish that you would stay, but either way, here's wishing you a happy Valentine's, even if you're not mine.
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#2
nice, but really long
Gear:
Blackstar HT-5 Half Stack
Damage control Solid Metal
Boss Flanger
Electro-Harmonix Q-Tron+
Dunlop 535Q Wah
General Guitar Gadgets ITS8 Overdrive
Marshall MS-4 Ministack

Guitars:

PRS Custom 24

Washburn D10 Quilted Bubinga
#3
EDIT: Chevelle, take that back NAO!

Quote by ColdFrontAttack
This one is meant to be very simple and one of my most emotional in a long time, I wrote it right after a certain pre-Valentine's surprise and wasn't gonna post it here but whatever.

February 14, 2009

Can I walk you home? And just maybe I can get out some of these things you might not have known. Good start. But then again i'm sure you saw it everytime you looked into my eyes, the way the light reflected off yours on each occasion they aligned. Beautiful. And i'm sure you saw that smile of mine, it's never been so wide. Or even close, stretched out from coast to coast, just a bit too much to hide. Like I hid behind these wishes, just wishing you were mine. I put my two front teeth under my pillow, and in the morning just a dime. I made my way up to the genie, he said 'son look, there's a line'. I know what to do with lemons but life only gives me limes.
I have literally no problem with anything in the stanza. I'm speechless. After I posted 'beautiful', I kind of realised there's no point posting that for everything - because the whole thing is just pure beauty. I love it!
Well happy Valentine's

Can we talk alone? There's some things i'd like to say to you, sans (Didn't like this word, but line as a whole was fantastic) the static of a phone. Things you probably could've guessed when our bodies were aligned, you'd have no intention of leaving, even if you knew the time. And even that became irrelevant somewhere between 4 and 5. I only made you go home cause I had to catch my flight- and that was only the first time.The flow was slightly off in the line prior to this sentence, but the whole thing is so damn good that I couldn't care less! I skipped stones all day but they eventually sank, and I was the captain of my ship, but forced to walk to plank. The first metaphor in this sentence is great, the second wasn't too good. I dunno, comparing love to a pirate ship just isn't too great, no matter how great or clever the metaphor is.

Just wanted to say thanks.

For everything you never let unfold, for making such a young man begin to feel so old, and tired, lost and uninspired and cold. I always knew February could be rough, but it's frozen more than just my toes.I'm speechless, again.

Can I walk you home? You know my heart is racing, I've yet to find a way to slow my pulse. Or calm my head, I just wish I could take it apart, show you everything inside. Cause it's all out on the floor in front of you, nothing left for me to hide behind. I'm dying for reassurance what we had wasn't a lie.

And I wish that you would stay, but either way, here's wishing you a happy Valentine's, even if you're not mine. This final stanza was decent, but a bit weak as a closing.



This is seriously one of the more beautiful things I've ever read on this forum. I'm honestly astounded, I loved it.

C4C? Although compared to this, mine is a 5 year old trying to sketch the Mona Lisa

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

#4
i liked this, it deserves a bump
Gear:
Blackstar HT-5 Half Stack
Damage control Solid Metal
Boss Flanger
Electro-Harmonix Q-Tron+
Dunlop 535Q Wah
General Guitar Gadgets ITS8 Overdrive
Marshall MS-4 Ministack

Guitars:

PRS Custom 24

Washburn D10 Quilted Bubinga
#5
Thanks guys, and michal i will totally get to yours when I get on a computer, i'm on my phone fight now but great crit
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#6
Derek that was so beautiful. Felt like slam to me. This screams to be read out loud. it had been such a long time since I could enjoy something of yours so much.

Thanks for everything
#7
I really connected with this. It was so honest and moving. beautiful sstuff. it really touched me
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
Thanks you two, I owe you guys as well... I'm glad you liked it, I might make a couple revisions, but considering I wrote it when everything was so fresh I don't wanna tamper too much with that
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#10
This has such an amazing and beautiful rhythm to it, man. I absolutely love this.

Stunning, inspires me to write something good, when I find my talent and my time.
#11
The flow is magnificent. The actual content isn't as powerful as it could have been - I actually found it kind of cheesy. It's very touching though. I don't think anyone could dislike it. It feels... honest. That's rare.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
Didn't get me, sorry. Just an overall ness that didn't click in the style that felt more forced and annoying than geniusly flowing, and I felt the content wasn't enough to pick it up.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
^don't worry about it, everyone is entitled to his/her opinion.
Though, i highly disagree with your opinion.

to CFA: Unbelievable. i can absolutely relate to almost everything in this piece. I don't know how to critique this, because michal said nearly everything that i was thinking as i read it. Flows excellently, the rhyme scheme is excellent, as are the metaphors (except maybe the pirate one, but its not terrible) The one thing i disagree with him on is the last stanza. i felt that it was a nice ending to the whole piece, and it ties everything together, closes loose ends, so to speak.

Link is in the sig if you're interested, but mine is maybe half as good as yours.

also requesting permission to save this on my computer for later reading. Other than that, it will not be used anywhere else.

#15
What happened in February the 14th? Shiite, was it Easter? Treminds me very much of easter. Well done- this DECETGYUAGFS WOTW!!
#16
Wow thanks guys, I didn't even know this was a thing, wotw must have happened in my long absence...

Corey- if it inspires you to write something that's about the best thing that could've come of it, now get on that

Also thanks to snowblind and seventh-angel and digupherbones (sorry you didn't enjoy it man, but that's fine, I didn't write it to post in an online forum anyway), and duct_tape_hero feel free to save it, thanks for the comments...

Bleed away, I have no idea what that really long acronym was before wotw but i'll take it as a compliment

I owe a lot of crits now so I will try to get to them soon
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#17
The rhymes in this were really beautiful, especially when accompanied by the writing style that was opted for. Other than that, it was a very nice, sensitive piece.
On the other hand, the actual assemblage/message wasn't all that powerful - it certainly felt like there could be more - and was a little predictable - and I don't mean that to insult - I could sense the emotion, but it felt like it was too "happy" and "safe".
Sorry I have nothing constructive to say.