#1
This is a story I wrote for English. I need to give it a title; help me? I can't name it!! Wall of text btw.


I took the knife from the kitchen bench. Jake had just used it to cut his apple pie and it was still lying there among a cluster of pastry crumbs. He really had brought this upon himself. No one could deny that?

I had to tiptoe quietly so he would not hear. The staircase creaked, so I avoided the middle area. Various candy wrappers and vodka bottles were scattered all over the floor and at the end of the hallway were what appeared to be the remains of Biggs, Jake’s victim. I stared at the poor thing’s mangled shape, disgusted. I hid the knife behind my back as I turned the knob and entered.

* * *

My boss mentioned to me that I looked tired today. I sure was; drowsiness, haziness. Putting people’s shopping into stupid plastic bags is just plain stupid. I can’t keep up with this fast pace of life nowadays. Amazes me how the world will move along without waiting for anybody...this is a stupid, cold, pointless, unrelenting world!

I thought taking the day off would make me feel better, but I walk past people who are just blind. Can’t they see what’s wrong? They are all so ignorant! But they judge me by just looking at me! Maybe it’s just me that’s insane. I feel so horrible.

Am I really crazy? I walked in front of a car and didn’t care. I almost died. When I got home I felt like a zombie, no purpose of goal. My house hates me; the front door refused to open so I had to kick it down. And my kettle looks at me funny...

Biggs was still where Jake left him last week. It was a gruesome scene: his arm was severed and his fluffy insides were drooping out. His skin was torn all over his body and his loopy eye was now only handing onto his face by a thread. It peered accusingly at me.

I decided to visit Jake, so I went to his room. I sat down next to his dark figure. He refused to register my existence.

I glanced at the knife next to the bloody rubber gloves. It was easy to find in the dark. It was harder to find my wrist.
ಠ_ಠ WILL GIVE HEAD

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#2
I Predicted the ending but who are biggs and jake???


well writen though
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#3
SPOILER

Jake is the narrator. Biggs is a teddy bear =\ (didn't make that clear enough I don't think)
ಠ_ಠ WILL GIVE HEAD

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#5
Where's the sex scene? FAIL. No I'm just kidding, pretty good, tad odd and off in left field, but I like that.
#6
i liiked it some points seem almost to exclamatory though, to first-person if you know what i mean.
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#8
Wasn't bad though this ...this is a stupid, cold, pointless, unrelenting world!


Seemed a bit cliche, unless thats what you where going for to kind of see the characters attitude towards, things, if not then yeah its a bit cliche.
#9
Quote by deadspoken
i liiked it some points seem almost to exclamatory though, to first-person if you know what i mean.


I don't; please explain? I love your constructive criticism guys

How can I make it more clear that Jake is a split-personality disorder of the narrator, and how do I make it clearer that Biggs is a teddy bear?
ಠ_ಠ WILL GIVE HEAD

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#10
Quote by hazardmaster
I don't; please explain? I love your constructive criticism guys

How can I make it more clear that Jake is a split-personality disorder of the narrator, and how do I make it clearer that Biggs is a teddy bear?



I'm not quite sure but whatever you do don't make it to obvious, you do that and you ruin the mystery. Gotta leave some room for thought.
#11
Quote by stevve
I'm not quite sure but whatever you do don't make it to obvious, you do that and you ruin the mystery. Gotta leave some room for thought.


Yeah I know, I thought it wasn't obvious enough. Any parts in particular you would like to attack?
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#12
Quote by hazardmaster
I don't; please explain? I love your constructive criticism guys

How can I make it more clear that Jake is a split-personality disorder of the narrator, and how do I make it clearer that Biggs is a teddy bear?

I actually like that you didn't hint that Biggs was a teddy bear until further on. Keep it that way. It serves to underline how crazy the narrator is.
Now the split personality I had no clue about until you said it. idk how to help there. Something about being his evil half or something? idk
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#13
At the moment I can't tell you as I don't have enough room to think between some stuff I'm doing and I have to go to sleep shortly, get up early tommorow, but if I can get around to it I will, though I'm sure someone else will help, I will try to get back though by tommorow sometime, unless thats to late.
#14
Quote by We'realltoBlame
I actually like that you didn't hint that Biggs was a teddy bear until further on. Keep it that way. It serves to underline how crazy the narrator is.
Now the split personality I had no clue about until you said it. idk how to help there. Something about being his evil half or something? idk



Edit above: agreed with the teddy bear, and the personality though it dosen't neccesarily have to be an evil half. Not sure how to show that more.
#15
Add this to make the story reach a whole new level of epicness:

Carlton prepares for a dinner date with his former girlfriend, Cindy, forgiving her for rejecting him several months earlier, but when she arrives with a newborn baby named Carlton Jr., the entire Banks family is stunned. Philip refuses to believe that the baby is his grandchild until a blood test proves it; Vivian reprimands Cindy for not coming to them for advice. Will, however, suspects that the inexperienced Carlton never had a chance to father a baby. Determined to accept his responsibility, Carlton elopes with Cindy to a small-town chapel. While waiting for the preacher to marry them, they realize that they're too young and too incompatible to spend the rest of their lives together. When Will arrives at the chapel to stop the ceremony, he learns that Cindy has confessed that Carlton wasn't the baby's father and called her parents to take her home, leaving Carlton bewildered and heartbroken. Carlton meekly confesses to Will that he's still a virgin, but was willing to marry Cindy, hoping that someday she'd learn to love him in return.
Last edited by Dwight Schrute at Feb 25, 2009,