#1
A couple of notes before i post it:

1) this is my first poem posted here on these forums. i have a lot more, but i figured i would start fresh here and post only new work rather than post older items.

2) this is the first poem that i have finished in nearly a year, so my style is a little rusty. i won't say that i am new to writing poetry, but i can say that i have regressed a bit during my bout of writers' block.

At any rate, here it is. i invite all comments, and will C4C as soon as i can.

DTH Edit: I have edited this piece and taken out the first two stanzas of the original piece. Therefore, this isn't really OTS anymore. EDIT2: changed the title to reflect this.

EDIT3: OK, i feel its finally coming together. two issues left to address:
5th stanza (not including dialogue lines) there is a parenthesis containing a couple of words and a collection of question marks. Any word that you feel would fit the best there, please let me know.
*Also, in need of a change to the title.

/edits

Leaflets*

She peeks from beyond a tree
around the corner to see me.
I don’t look up, but scramble to stuff
a handful of soggy secrets out of sight,
as I hear the familiar approach of her heeled boots.

“Hey, you.”

Her voice, like a symphony, breaks the silence,
and my glance diverts to an insouciant smile,
a most familiar definition of our friendship,
fringed by the bright afternoon sun as
radiance complements seraphic brilliance.
I absorb the scene breathlessly
and finally,
I weakly return with,

“Hey there.”

The forgotten job unfinished, I cover the rest with
a quivering hand.

“Oh, you’re writing again?
Let me see!”

She laughs
and moves to uncover herself.
The passionate lines scream for permission
to masquerade as man-from-Nantucket limericks,
to keep themselves covert,
because she must never know.
but I hesitate under her soft touch;
weightless,
my hand disobeys her command, to which
My subconscious mumbles its agreement wordlessly,
and I stutter,

“No, it’s nothing.”

But a rogue thought
crosses swords with its master:
The pages don’t lie,
and neither do I,
and the electricity in her hand
(jolts/shocks/?????) mine to submission,
and disobedient fingers
slowly follow hers like magnets.
She reaches for the top sheet,
but Nature’s breath carries away
a few loose leaves.

“Oh no!”

She laughs, almost childlike,
and she chases
a wayward verbal caricature
along the sidewalk,
the sun watching it curl along its path.
That escapee no longer under my authority,
I scramble to retrieve the rest,
abandoning the one already pursued.
Hastily they are stuffed away
with the rest,
and I continue along the path.

“Wait, I’ve got one!”

She chimes, but my ears mute the music.
I hear the heels clicking rapidly on the sidewalk, and
I replicate their pace, even when they pause.
I struggle through a paralyzing moment,
then turn to see her eyes on the page,
jaw falling slowly, and I wait until she glances up.
Her surprise meets
my shame
for a few seconds,
and I turn back,
head down,
ignoring her pleas to wait,
and I continue to run
from the truth.

Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 3, 2009,
#2
I'm about to fall asleep and don't really have it in me to say much or be helpful right now but I want to say I liked this a lot and really look forward to more from you after reading this.



do you mind me asking your name, by the way?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
I always knew you were a fantastic poet.
lol.
This is good. not very rusty at all.
there is a part that i had to read twice for understanding,
but they may be because Im multi-tasking
#5
“Wait, I’ve got one!”
She chimes, but my ears mute the music.

She's got what?
#6
For the most part this was really smooth and a damn good read. Problem moments:

Second stanza really dragged out. The whole stanza sort of lost pace and seemed to circle in itself a bit. Just lost the brisk pace of the rest of the story and really was hard to read through.

You depend on dialogue a lot through this; and a lot of times, you just plain don't set it up well. There were parts I had to go back and re-read to make sure I knew who was talking. Nothing terrible, but it jolted the read a bit... and really hurt toward the end when the read was supposed to be quickening a lot and the desperation should have been kicking in.

Seems like the last three stanzas could stand alone and create the exact same characters and tone. The first few are just really a frame... and this is the type of piece that a frame makes its to "planned" and make it harder to really dig into. Cut in right at "peeked around" line and let me live it with you than see it as a flashback. Let it kick me in the balls, don't have me watch you get kicked in the balls. Really, most of my problems were with your setup and the fact it dragged out and didn't add much. And your diction in the beginning was a bit rough. The last 3 though, they kicked ass. Just seems like you could just leave a revised version of those that doesn't reference the "secrets" described earlier, but instead explains the secrets as it goes. Probably just me.



-zC
#8
to zC-
Hmmm...actually, you're completely correct on the first two stanzas. i just took them out and saved them for something else. I used a lot of line editing when i went through it again, and thought that the dialogue would work better if it was separate from other lines. It seems to work a little better, than having the lines buried in the middle of stanzas, but i don't know. My new problem is avoiding cliché lines when trying to designate speakers (i.e. there is now a line which reads "her voice, like a symphony, breaks the silence" and i hate it but i don't know how to fix it at all).

oh, and i don't know quite what you mean by not referencing the secrets, but explaining them. the explanation of what they were was sort of the point of the first stanza, which is now chopped, but maybe our ideas for what you mean are not the same.

at any rate, thanks for stoppin' in

to convictionless:

thanks man. if you have anything for a critique, let me know so i can take a look at it.
#12
Well like I said, I am not nearly as technical as you, but let it be known that I really enjoyed it. Your poem created a character in my head and I understood what he was feeling and even small hints to what kind of person he is.

The passionate lines scream for permission
to masquerade as man-from-Nantucket limericks,
to keep themselves covert,
because she must never know.
but I hesitate under her soft touch,

Really captured a moment for me. Probably my favourite part of the poem Good read man!
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#13
well, i'm glad you liked that part, it wasn't in the original copy, and i hesitated at adding it because i wasn't sure if it would go well in context of the lines surrounding it.

EDIT: 138 views and only 12 replies? Either its really bland and not comment-worthy, you guys are all speechless, or it sucks so much its not worth bothering to comment.


hope its not the last one
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 2, 2009,
#15
Quote by Duct Tape Hero


Leaflets

She peeks from beyond a tree
around the corner to see me.
I don’t look up, but scramble to stuff
a handful of soggy secrets away, out of sight,
as I hear the familiar approach of her heeled boots.
This was an awesome start, I particularly loved 'soggy secrets'. I'd rid of 'away,' and just let secrets flow straight into 'out of sight'.

“Hey, you.”

Her voice, like a symphony, breaks the silence,
and my glance diverts to an insouciant smile,
a most familiar definition of our friendship,
The wording here really is fantastic.
fringed by the bright afternoon sun as
radiance complements seraphic brilliance.
'Seraphic' was perfect, man!
I absorb the scene breathlessly
and finally,
I weakly return with, “Hey there.”
The forgotten job unfinished, I cover the rest with
a quivering hand.
You make such a simple gesture sound like the most beautiful thing possible. That takes skill and you, my friend, have it!

“Oh, you’re writing again?
Let me see!”

She laughs
and moves to uncover herself.
The passionate lines scream for permission
to masquerade as man-from-Nantucket limericks,
to keep themselves covert,
because she must never know.
but I hesitate under her soft touch,
I'd use a semicolon at the end of this line
weightless,
my hand disobeys her command, to which
My subconscious mumbles its agreement wordlessly,
and I stutter,

“No, it’s nothing.”

But a rogue thought
crosses swords with its master:
The pages don’t lie,
and neither do I
,
and the electricity in her hand
jolts mine to submission,
So far it's still as great as it has been, but I disliked the use of the word 'jolts'
and disobedient fingers
slowly follow hers like magnets.
She reaches for the top sheet,
but Nature’s breath carries away
a few loose leaves.

“Oh no!”

She laughs, almost childlike,
and she chases
a wayward verbal caricature

along the sidewalk,
the sun watching it curl along its path.
That escapee no longer under my authority,
I scramble to retrieve the rest,
abandoning the one already pursued.
Hastily they are stuffed away
with the rest,
and I continue along the path.

“Wait, I’ve got one!”

She chimes, but my ears mute the music.
This line was also fantastic. There really is nothing to critique, the whole thing is great.
I hear the heels clicking rapidly on the sidewalk, and
I replicate their pace, even when they pause.
I struggle through a paralyzing moment,
then turn to see her eyes on the page,
jaw falling slowly, and I wait until she glances up.
Her surprise meets
my shame
for a few seconds,
and I turn back,
head down,
ignoring her pleas to wait,
and I continue to run
from the truth.


Dude, this was amazing. Like seriously, everything about it was great! I mean, I've pointed out the two or three things I'd change, but overall this really is quality.

I love it, and thanks for critting mine!

Oh, and change the title, it's completely unrepresentative of the piece, IMO.
#16
im not going to claim i know alot about poetry but i know that it was really good. i dont know about all the technical poetry things i should look for so i just read the lyrics and they were really good like reading a good story
#17
I'm curious: why is this poetry and not a short fiction prose piece?

peace
#18
I am not a big writer of short stories, but i have written a lot of poems over the years (about 275 poems to only 3 short stories) so my poetry composing skills are, i feel, much better than my short story composing skills. That's pretty much it.
#19
That's odd, 'cause I was just thinking this would maybe work better as short story than it does as a poem.

peace
#20
well, i suppose it could work either way. i would prefer to leave it as is. Short stories come with the burden of writing filler lines to connect the action, and with poetry that can usually be avoided. Not that i am lazy, i would just rather not have to waste extra time writing pieces of a story that are not exactly important.
#21
I disagree. Look into "flash fiction." Very tight, streamlined, short stories. I think you could turn this into a short story simply by turning it into prose form.

peace