#1
hi! these are the lyrics of my fisrt song but I still have to work on them. I'd like if you could help me with them because there might be a lot of mistakes since i'm Spanish. and of course, if you have any recomendations just let me know! oh and plis, tell me about a title for the song! thanks!

it was a song from the stars coming to our hearts
it was the way that we had our dreams in our minds
we had so many crimes to regret in time
but we lost them that night...

wanted your hand in mine to show you my side
the way everything looked behind my brown eyes
there were so many things to feel that night
so many emotions we had...

we fell down to the grass harassed by our laughs
tears covered our eyes impeding us to visualize
the shooting stars that were crossing the sky
there were our desires...

we lived in a fairy tale where perfection existed
you the hero so brave, me the lady enclosed
dragons upon the sky between spongy clouds
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your...

it was a song from the stars...
#2
Quote by the gift
hi! these are the lyrics of my fisrt song but I still have to work on them. I'd like if you could help me with them because there might be a lot of mistakes since i'm Spanish. and of course, if you have any recomendations just let me know! oh and plis, tell me about a title for the song! thanks!

it was a song from the stars coming to our hearts
it was the way that we had our dreams in our minds
we had so many crimes to regret in time
but we lost them that night...

wanted your hand in mine to show you my side
the way everything looked behind my brown eyes
there were so many things to feel that night
so many emotions we had...

we fell down to the grass harassed by our laughs
tears covered our eyes impeding us to visualize
the shooting stars that were crossing the sky
there were our desires...

we lived in a fairy tale where perfection existed
you the hero so brave, me the lady enclosed
dragons upon the sky between spongy clouds
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your palm...
tinker bell on your...

it was a song from the stars...


I suspect most of it has to with translation, but there were some difficult rhythm things in here. "Impeding us to visualize" stands out as awkward. In the rhyme scheme, I have a hard time suggesting something else that would say the same thing (you're saying that the tears prevent "us" from seeing the shooting stars, right?). One problem is verb agreement. Since "impeding" is in what gets called the "progressive" tense, and since "to visualize" is in the infinitive, the two verbs are competing for dominance, here. "Impeding us from visualizing," of course, doesn't work.

At any rate, that's all for now.

peace
#3
thanks! I'll keep it in mind and think about it. let's see if i'm able to find a solution
#5
One thing I notice a lot of people mess up with names is that those people think that the name of the song has to be a line in the song. But, all you have to do is write something random that describes what the song was about, or possibly what you were doing at the time of writing the song. For example, on songs that I write, when I cant think of a name I just put something like "I Couldn't Think Of A Name For This Song" or "I Got Sick Of Writing This Song After I Realized It Was About You." Now those are long names but you get the point? To write a title describing the song, for yours I would put something like "Stars Dont Grant Wishes, We Do", or something like that.
Try to pronouce my last name...
#6
I liked where you were going with this, but it was just a little bit boring
Spice it up a bit
Say less, tell me more