#1
Hey, first work for crit. I just decided to do an OTS piece, and came up with this. I actually enjoy it as far as poetry goes, considering I normally write lyrics. I'll do C4C if you ask.

Soft collisions
Erasing a memory of an earlier time
Slowly at first
Gently pushing the boundaries
Speeding up
Blurring what once was with what is.
Eventually
Excess sets in and warps judgment.
Ginger movement
Stepping forward and etching cliffs.
Canyons
Longing for a sip of life
Unknowingly
Cut down by what they reached for—
Collisions.
The footprints were gone.

Better title suggestions are welcome too. Thanks!
#2
Hey there. First off thanks for taking the time to critique a piece of mine. Always appreciated. Here goes.

Soft collisions
Erasing a memory of an earlier time< this seems a bit wordy to me. Is the singular trait of "memory" really important? If not I'd switch to "memories", it would ease the flow.
Slowly at first
Gently pushing the boundaries
Speeding up
Blurring what once was with what is. <That's pretty hard to say, kind of like a tongue twister. I kind of suggest re-wording this.
Eventually
Excess sets in and warps judgment.
Ginger movement
Stepping forward and etching cliffs.
Canyons
Longing for a sip of life
love these last 6 lines.
Unknowingly
Cut down by what they reached for—
Collisions.
The footprints were gone. I kind of wanted this to be on present tense. Your whole build-up is in present, so why switch to past here right at the end? I understand what you are saying but surely there is a way to make this more coherent and efficient.


Like any OTS piece I suggest revising it. My main advice here would be to state clearly what you want your message to be, and add up some meat over that.
Really decent stuff for a first post.

keep it up!

mat
#3
Quote by duaumun
Hey, first work for crit. I just decided to do an OTS piece, and came up with this. I actually enjoy it as far as poetry goes, considering I normally write lyrics. I'll do C4C if you ask.

Soft collisions
Erasing a memory of an earlier time
Slowly at first
Gently pushing the boundaries
Speeding up
Blurring what once was with what is.
this line took me a few reads before I got what it said. After I got it, it's a nifty little line
Eventually
Excess sets in and warps judgment.
Ginger movement
Stepping forward and etching cliffs.
Canyons
Longing for a sip of life
I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here. The metaphor is a little hazy, but that could just be me.
Unknowingly
Cut down by what they reached for—
Collisions.
The footprints were gone.
Interesting little ending.

Better title suggestions are welcome too. Thanks!


I liked this piece for what it is. It is a little unoriginal, just in the style it's written. Short line, line break, long line, repeat. I've seen it before. However, you said this was an on the spot piece, and it's excellent for that. I think if you thought out your metaphors and imagery a bit more(I don't really even get what this piece is about, frankly) than it could be pretty great. They just need to be developed more. Overall, it wasn't a bad read at all, i liked it.


If it's not a hardship, would you mind critting "Famished Frog" in my sig?
#4
Soft collisions
Erasing memories of an earlier time
Slowly at first
Gently pushing the boundaries
Speeding up
Blurring what was with what is.
Eventually
Excess sets in and warps judgment.
Ginger movement
Stepping forward and etching cliffs.
Canyons
Longing for a sip of life
Unknowingly
Cut down by what they reached for—
Collisions.
The footprints are gone.

This has some of the changes suggested above, but not much (I'm a little out to lunch on changing back to the present, we'll see).
I can definitely see how you might not know what I'm talking about; half of my stuff is completely shrouded in imagery. Let me explain a bit.

On the literal level, there is a footprint in the mud. As it starts to rain, the sharp outline of the footprint starts to become blurrier and soon, the water that has gathered in the print and on the ground have made the two indistinguishable from one another. Then, someone steps forward. A new footprint is created and from a small scale there are massive walls reaching upward, as if for a drink of water, but they are removed, like the first footprint, by the falling rain.

On the metaphorical level, it's about how day-to-day life can slowly dim memories. As you continue to get caught up in everything, new priorities arise and it isn't quite as important to continually recount every detail of a certain event. That's pretty much it, I think the only other confusing thing would be "cut down by what they reach for". From the small scale, the footprint seemed huge, appearing to reach for the sky, similar to how the memories reach for a higher priority, only to be pushed aside by the "raindrops" of day to day life.

I'm going to give it a good read over later, and probably add a line or two to make stuff a little clearer. I'm actually pleased with more of this than I thought, but there are definitely a few things that bug me.

Any more crit?