#1
Crit for Crit. I would like some very critical feedback because this is going to be recorded and I want it to be very good. Thanks!

(revised version below)


Stop pretending that people care
They just want cheap thrills
Spending all their time trying
To dress with looks to kill
They call you a friend but in the end
You're just a memory
The silence you share is all that's there
And that's all there can be

So turn your other cheek
and see that no one cares but me
That time is passing endlessly
And now's your only chance to be free

Life is but a joke
and all our pain is just a hoax
We try so hard to understand
As our lives crumble in our hands
They'll lie right to your face
And you'll believe everything
They can make the caged bird sing
Until the church bells ring

So turn your other cheek
and see that no one cares but me
That time is passing endlessly
And now's your only chance to be free

There's so much left to say
Yet quiet faces fill my day
They're concerned with what is thought
When they laugh and live and talk
No one wants to face
The horrors and truths that are plain
They lie down helplessly
So they won't have to change

So turn your other cheek
and see that no one cares but me
That time is passing endlessly
And now's your only chance to be free
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Mar 1, 2009,
#2
The first stanze seemed forced,
"They call... memory"
I like the idea in those lines, but they just don't really flow

The chorus is alright but not great,
it just seems like you were working too hard to make the second and fourth lines rhyme

The second stanza is much better, but again with the forced rhyming, and the last two lines don't really fit

The last stanza.... I like where you were going with it, but it just didn't come out right
Really, I just get the idea that you want everything to rhyme so bad that you're sacrificing writing down something truly clever and inspiring to make sure it just sounds pretty

Maybe try going through and rewriting this without rhyming n see what you come up with, n if u like it, go through a thesaurus and find synonyms n what not that make it rhyme and give it some rhythm

All in all though, good work
I liked what I think you were trying to say, just not quite how you said it
#3
Woah, excellent man. I really like your style. The verses and chorus were very good but i think you need different part there, a bridge, a couple of lines which kinda give a different perspective on the subject or something. But really good imo
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#4
This is my revised version -

Stop pretending that people care
They just want cheap thrills
Spending all their time
Making Love and standing still
They call you a friend but It doesn't take much
To see through their disguise
The performance is quite lame and
I can see what underlies

So turn your other cheek
And see that no one cares but me
I can see what underlies
When people always pass you by

Life is but a put-on tragedy
that never ends
The plot pushes the freaks away
And they die in isolation
But hero comes out on top
Of all the complications
And they audience will cheer
Because they think it's all pretend

So turn your other cheek
and when there's no one to be seen
I'll be the pieces to your puzzle
To complete what you can't be

There are many words I would say
If I knew that people would listen
But they're caught up in routines
That they will never let be broken
I'll wait for the day that when they can
Face what is so plain
When they accept the truth over
The orthodox inane

So turn your other cheek
When they try to make you conform
Understand that they are blind
And it is them who are misinformed