#1
She stood silently, knee-deep, her back to me,
Head upturned toward the vague clouds,
Staring far out over the blue.
Part of me wanted to join her.
I decided it wasn't my place, though.
It dawned on me then
That nothing about this place was mine.
This ocean, this beach, this sky
All unfamiliar.
Virgin sights for virgin spirits.

I didn't see any pelicans
(maybe they're an East-Coast thing),
But there were enough gulls flitting about
To feed our whole legion of one hundred twenty-one
Hormone-pumped adolescents, had we been so hungry,
On this seventy degree January afternoon.

We were two airports away from home,
But never quite far enough from our demons.
Maybe, if they followed close enough, we could catch them
And throw them headlong into the waves,
Praying the water would swallow them and not us.

Her brown hair billowed in the mist.
And when the ocean exhaled
It covered up the letters she'd traced in the sand
And washed the residue from my toes,
Then breathed it all back in with a mighty heave.
Everything faded...
Everything fades.
Last edited by flame843 at Feb 26, 2009,
#2
Very very good,
this was amazing,
thank you for this

The only negative things I can really say (and I am nit-picking here) is that it trails off a little bit, as if you got distracted while you were writing this.... And some of the adjectives and descriptive phrases here seem to be a bit long, which kinda distracts me while I'm reading it, taking my mind off the image forming while I work my way down

Very nice, I hope to see some more from you soon that are this good
#3
Quote by flame843
She stood silently, knee-deep, her back to me,
Head upturned toward the vague clouds,
Staring far out over the blue.
Part of me wanted to join her.
I decided it wasn't my place, though.
It dawned on me then
That nothing about this place was mine.
This ocean, this beach, this sky
All unfamiliar.
Virgin sights for virgin spirits.

I didn't see any pelicans
(maybe they're an East-Coast thing),
But there were enough gulls flitting about
To feed our whole legion of one hundred twenty-one
Hormone-pumped adolescents, had we been so hungry,
On this seventy degree January afternoon.

We were two airports away from home,
But never quite far enough from our demons.
Maybe, if they followed close enough, we could catch them
And throw them headlong into the waves,
Praying the water would swallow them and not us.

Her brown hair billowed in the mist.
And when the ocean exhaled
It covered up the letters she'd traced in the sand
And washed the residue from my toes,
Then breathed it all back in with a mighty heave.
Everything faded...
Everything fades.


You had me with the first triplet. Always a page turner, because who knows what she's thinking? And we just have to know - because we are like the gulls in that sense, whom I pretend to know well, after sitting on the bluffs for hours, watching them scavenge dead fish and picnics in gangs like the humans stealing fish from the sea in numbers we couldn't count - but back to my point: you're staring at something that is not yours, and you do not make the attempt to make it yours, and that it truly, and beautifully admirable. Your admission of unfamiliarity is something that many, myself not necessarily excluded, many writers will simply not do, for fear of the knowing of their not knowing, not being able to grasp a concept and make their own thoughts out of it - and yet you have done this, with this piece, and with your valuable vulnerability.

I'd only reached the second stanza with tears when the airport line became less linear, favoring brick form, aimed for my temple. I had just figured out exactly what was going on, and the environment I was feeling, on this seventy degree afternoon in January, in which I can be in either Los Angeles or Melbourne, but I know the west coast better, so I know I'm there, I'm just going to go over it again.

We were two airports away from home,
But never quite far enough from our demons.
Maybe, if they followed close enough, we could catch them
And throw them headlong into the waves,
Praying the water would swallow them and not us.

Travelers are never quite far enough from their demons, I am never far from mine, despite my travels, but I can hope that the ocean will forgive my apathy for it and will swallow them up, for her or for me, my praying more like a nervous laughter. They always follow close enough.

Your eye for detail here is unwavering, and I respect that - in every bit of this, you make the situation yours in a place you say you don't know well - sharp eyes, intent focus on not only what is happening but that it is happening - there is a difference - and round your conclusion with the momentum of the waves. We know everything fades, you've been telling us that since she stood silently - there's no need for the "in conclusion" paragraph the English teachers want you to write in those stupid five-paragraph essays. If you wrote like you meant it, like you did here, we know the ending. Lose the "everything fades/d" It's Picasso doodled on da Vinci - it doesn't work.

But the rest does.
#4
Quote by flame843
She stood silently, knee-deep, her back to me,
Head upturned toward the vague clouds,
This was good so far, but I didn't like the use of the word 'vague'. I think I know what you mean, but I don't think that word fits it.
Staring far out over the blue.
Part of me wanted to join her.
I decided it wasn't my place, though.
It dawned on me then
That nothing about this place was mine.
This ocean, this beach, this sky
All unfamiliar.
Virgin sights for virgin spirits.
I liked it, but I think it's too much story-telling, and too little metaphor/imagery/description. But that might be just my personall preference.

I didn't see any pelicans
(maybe they're an East-Coast thing),
But there were enough gulls flitting about
To feed our whole legion of one hundred twenty-one
Hormone-pumped adolescents, had we been so hungry,
On this seventy degree January afternoon.
This stanza was pretty poor, it did nothing for me, if I'm honest. I dunno, I think it's just boring and doesn't really add anything to the piece.

We were two airports away from home,
But never quite far enough from our demons.
This was pretty good, I didn't like the word 'demons' though; a bit cliche, maybe, I dunno. But other than that, I liked it.
Maybe, if they followed close enough, we could catch them
And throw them headlong into the waves,
Praying the water would swallow them and not us.
This was decent. I, personally, would prefer it to have more descriptions, but it's okay as it is.

Her brown hair billowed in the mist.
And when the ocean exhaled
These two lines were fantastic!
It covered up the letters she'd traced in the sand
And washed the residue from my toes,
Then breathed it all back in with a mighty heave.
Everything faded...
Everything fades.
The last stanza is by far the best! I loved it!


All in all, it was pretty damn good! I don't want to appear as overly critical, but I don't want to give you all praise, because what good would that do? I'd change what I've suggested, personally, but this might just be in a different style to what I prefer. But yeah, overall it was good man, keep writing!

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715