#1
Something simple.


All that I can taste is the salt
of my lower lip.
Heart beats in half notes
traveling through the floor boards
to my ear.
And to the clock
that I've knocked over,
lying in line of sight,
I have always rejoiced in
the work of your hands
so why should today
be any different?
I try to swing my arm
and bare knuckles drag
against the wood's grain.
The scent of cedar stain
washed clean with
the freshness of pine
serves as a reminder that
twenty-two hasn't been much time.
But if death wants to
welcome me, then who am I
to refuse it's hospitality?
#3
Quote by bassbeat77
Something simple.


All that I can taste is the salt
of my lower lip.
Heart beats in half notes
traveling through the floor boards
to my ear.
Good imagery. It sets the stage for the piece nicely.
And to the clock
that I've knocked over,
lying in line of sight,
I have always rejoiced in
the work of your hands
so why should today
be any different?
I try to swing my arm
and bare knuckles drag
against the wood's grain.
The scent of cedar stain
washed clean with
the freshness of pine
serves as a reminder that
twenty-two hasn't been much time.
This part is similar to setting a musical cadence. It sets up the ending, while being very gritty which is fitting with the tone.
But if death wants to
welcome me, then who am I
to refuse it's hospitality?
Fanstastic ending


I can't really offer much criticism of the piece. As it is, it's beautiful. It's poetic, it's well paced, and a little ambiguous. I read it as being about a drug overdose, but it might not be about that at all. Regardless, a truly remarkable poem. You have talent.


If it's not a hardship, would you mind critting "Famished Frog" in my sig?
Last edited by JakdOnCrack at Feb 27, 2009,
#4
Thanks guys. I wasn`t sure how this would turn out.

Jakd... I`ll check out your piece later.
#5
I'd like to see this with some differentiation between when you're talking about taste to when you're talking about sound to when you're talking about sight. Something before 'lying in line of sight' because although the half-ideas work with the character mindset, they don't work in mine.

Other than that, I thought this was beautiful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
All that I can taste is the salt
of my lower lip.
Heart beats in half notes
I love the words themselves but the ambiguity of 'half notes' renders this pointless as a description, it's basically just words which we infer the meaning from what we already know as opposed to telling us anytthing
traveling through the floor boards
to my ear.
And to the clock
that I've knocked over,
lying in line of sight,
I have always rejoiced in
the work of your hands
so why should today
be any different?
I try to swing my arm
and bare knuckles drag
against the wood's grain.
The scent of cedar stain
washed clean with
the freshness of pine
serves as a reminder that
a lot of this seems like a dissconected bumble of images, find some sort of narrative thread i'd say
twenty-two hasn't been much time.
One rhyme too many for me
But if death wants to
welcome me, then who am I
to refuse it's its hospitality?

Love basically all of the assonance/rhyme etc, just to say that.

my sig if you want
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
this was great

I try to swing my arm
and bare knuckles drag
against the wood's grain.
The scent of cedar stain
washed clean with
the freshness of pine
serves as a reminder that
twenty-two hasn't been much time.

the rest:
cut out the extraneous words, even in the first line half of it didnt need to be there. make the line breaks less arbitrary. there is little flow for most of this. the section I pointed to above also is hurt by the form. Check your punctuation, think about using some caesura instead of full breaks and make sure that all the pieces are moving towards a singular goal which should be the ending. It seems scattered and reads scattered. I got what your point was but I didnt connect with it because the flow didnt supplement it and I didnt feel movement propelling me to an ending.

if that makes any sense, i need lunch.
#8
Haven't read any crits; sorry if repeating.

This seemed a bit like a pinball. Everything adds to your point score, but they are all very different apparatuses. You were here and there and everywhere. It painted a lovely idea; but I needed you to focus your ideas more. A lot of extra words and over-done lines. You can pick them out. Line breaks toward the middle hurt a lot on the read. Breaking some ideas down when you could have simply stretched the line or broken in a less intrusive way to the ideas.

Ending was gorgeous; however, due to a lack of clarity in the rest of the piece it seemed to come a bit out of nowhere. I just need you to develop the idea some more. Make what you ahve clearer; break the sections more clearly and really let this breathe. Then the ending can crush souls.

Three piece suit in sig, if you could.

-zC
#9
I'm glad I decided to come back and lurk S+L today.
Your pieces are gorgeous on the lips; I love to read them aloud.
I don't have any criticism for you however - I am more in the mood for praise.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.