#1
i wonder the destroyer,
black hair swiftly crafted over the portrait of his brilliance,
god only knows,
he wore a tight knit sweater to his prom last month and
no one said shi.t.
i wonder the destroyer,
handsome in wit but lacking in a lisp of harmlessness,
no one will approach him,
our destroyer, softly pressing fingers
slowly to the tip of it,
the iceberg or the cake or the idiot,
filled to the brim with useless knowledge that only
weakens his super fading, super softening super powers.
our destroyer,
a ghost in a cape smoking cigarettes spinning records at a
restaurant we've all eaten at,
oh la la la la,
oh la la la.
oh la la la la,
oh la la la.

shhhh,
just dance you stupid fu.cks,
this could be the end of him.
#2
God I've missed reading your stuff. This was purely brilliant, as always. The last three lines were just golden, and the:
"oh la la la la,
oh la la la.
oh la la la la,
oh la la la." section was brilliant
#3
thank you very much. i havent been writing at all lately so getting this out was refreshing. anything of yours i can look at?
#4
Quote by rushmore
i wonder the destroyer,
black hair swiftly crafted over the portrait of his brilliance,
Second line was awesome!
god only knows,
he wore a tight knit sweater to his prom last month and
no one said shi.t.
I didn't really like these three. They were pretty bland, not very descriptive at all, a bit too "in your face". Then again, that may be what you're going for, I don't know; just telling you my honest opinion.
i wonder the destroyer,
handsome in wit but lacking in a lisp of harmlessness,
This line was also fantastic.
no one will approach him,
our destroyer, softly pressing fingers
slowly to the tip of it,
the iceberg or the cake or the idiot,
filled to the brim with useless knowledge that only
weakens his super fading, super softening super powers.
Repetition of 'super' was pretty good. I must admit, though, I can't really see what this is about; I'm certain, however, it's one of those pieces that once you know what it's about and read again, you facepalm for not having realised earlier.
our destroyer,
a ghost in a cape smoking cigarettes spinning records at a
I'd add a comma after cigarettes; but the line itself was fantastic, and the line below was good too, for that matter.
restaurant we've all eaten at,
oh la la la la,
oh la la la.
oh la la la la,
oh la la la.

shhhh,
just dance you stupid fu.cks,
this could be the end of him.
Ending was good, but unfortunately I'm not really too sure what it's about. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps it's about somebody who sees themselves as somebody big, strong and important (a.k.a a destroyer), when in fact they're not? I really don't know. But I enjoyed this, I really did, even if I didn't quite understand it - it's interesting and makes me wonder, which is what's most important in a piece, IMO.


Any chance you might reveal what it's about?

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

#5
This came off as rather amateur to me. Especially compared to what I'm used to from you. I think I used amateur because I didn't feel comfortable using "whiny". It really didn't reach out to me, that "destroyer" thing was a little bland. I probably am missing something but reading it over a few times, I can't seem to establish connections as a reader with that character.
I thought that "super weakening super powers" would have been really great. The super softening part came of as trying too hard to me.

You do have some great lines in there, but I think it lacks outreach to the reader in order to be a fully enjoyable piece. I didn't like it as it is now. I know you haven't written in a while and all though, so good luck regaining your composure.

If you feel like it, I'd love your opinion on "barriers". No worries though.
take care.
#6
oh god, don't look at anything of mine. THe one i just threw up is absolute ****. I'll let you know if i post anything half decent