#1
i wrote this while doing the dishes.

to meet women, i was told that my social circle would need to expand. not with just girls, but with guys as well. after work a couple of weeks ago i stopped into a commercial-chain-coffee-shop, and waited in line for well over ten minutes. the people in front of me were all professional looking. like they all knew each other because they were so much alike. a man, two college graduates ahead of me, was chatting violently into his cell phone. it looked like a boxing match between his mouth and the microphone. sharp swift words that came off as punches, and a tough square jaw that said "i won't let up". in between rounds he was trying to order a drink, which sounded similar to a choreographed dance that had been rehearsed a few to many times.

i was dressed from head to toe in black. cheap, un-polished dress shoes from sears, home hemmed pin striped pants that were possibly one size to big with a black shirt tucked in. two buttons on the top were left untouched revealing a rather thick, expensive, gold chain over a young chest. my sleeves were rolled up high, and you could see veins jutting out of my forearms. all i wanted was a green tea, it was late and coffee would only keep me awake longer, something i never wanted.

behind the counter i got a glimpse of the three baristas. an old mexican looking lady who looked like she had greeted the sixteenth century conquistadors on the beach naked. fuck, i feel sorry for sea men. the other women had a cute charm to her, probably about twenty-two, with dark glasses and matching hair down a bit past her neck flirting with the back. the saab parked out front probably belonged to her, i saw the eyeglasses case on the passengers seat, it was now in my pocket.

the only man was tall with a shaggy dirty blonde beard, unkept hair, a good smile, and the standard green apron. he was pulling the next heavy weight champion's coffee. it included all of the twirls, flutters, and falls a dancer may come by. the work he was doing was executed in a less focused manner than the work of four eyes, but his personality spilled out all over the apron. i wonder if he could stand in a circle?

(to be continued?)
Last edited by freshtunes at Feb 27, 2009,
#2
I assume that you know that the first letter of each new sentence should be capitalised, and that each "i" should be an "I". The first use of "too" right at the start should be a "To." There are probably more mistakes as well.
#3
Space between each and other in the first paragraph. I really enjoyed this, something I haven't seen you do before. I'd like to see this continued
#4
Quote by freshtunes
i wrote this while doing the dishes.

to meet women, i was told that my social circle would need to expand. not with just girls, but with guys as well. after work a couple of weeks ago i stopped into a commercial-chain-coffee-shop, and waited in line for well over ten minutes. the people in front of me were all professional looking. like they all knew eachother because they were so much alike. a man, two college graduates ahead of me, was chatting violently into his cell phone. it looked like a boxing match between his mouth and the microphone. sharp swift words that came off as punches, and a tough square jaw that said "i won't let up". in between rounds he was trying to order a drink, which sounded similar to a choreographed dance that had been rehearsed a few to many times.
From the third line onwards - after "and" - I didn't really enjoy anything. It seemed deriative, and therefore, entirely forced. It's like you stated something quite obvious, but yet you started off with something that so many people misjudge about themselves - I do it myself - and the first line is just pure brilliance because of that. You mislead me into thinking that that would be your adventure, but you turned to something quite boring and unadventerous.

i was dressed from head to toe in black. cheap, un-polished dress shoes from sears, home hemmed pin striped pants that were possibly one size to big with a black shirt tucked in. two buttons on the top were left untouched revealing a rather thick, expensive, gold chain over a young chest. my sleeves were rolled up high, and you could see veins jutting out of my forearms. all i wanted was a green tea, it was late and coffee would only keep me awake longer, something i never wanted.
"and you could see" - This is a little dull, and you seemed rushed when writing it, which could probably be the reason as to why it feels that way.
"longer" - this word doesn't feel apt for the line.
This doesn't quite feel like it was written for a real reason, just like the previous section. It just feels writing for the sake of getting it off your chest - and I hate writing like that.


behind the counter i got a glimpse of the three baristas. an old mexican looking lady who looked like she had greeted the sixteenth century conquistadors on the beach naked. fuck, i feel sorry for sea men. the other women had a cute charm to her, probably about twenty-two, with dark glasses and matching hair down a bit past her neck flirting with the back. the saab parked out front probably belonged to her, i saw the eyeglasses case on the passengers seat, it was now in my pocket.
"looked" - in the second line - is too repetitious when concerned with it's previous example. That whole line - the simile - feels overtly long and winded. It's dragged out too long and I just don't care that much about it anymore.
The rest was really interesting and I'm starting to see a kinda different side to it.


the only man was tall with a shaggy dirty blonde beard, unkept hair, a good smile, and the standard green apron. he was pulling the next heavy weight champion's coffee. it included all of the twirls, flutters, and falls a dancer may come by. the work he was doing was executed in a less focused manner than the work of four eyes, but his personality spilled out all over the apron. i wonder if he could stand in a circle?
I really like the way you introduce the man into the story; it's very effective. This verse is absolutely superior and ties a lot of the nonsense together.

(to be continued?)

Quote by michal23
I assume that you know that the first letter of each new sentence should be capitalised, and that each "i" should be an "I". The first use of "too" right at the start should be a "To." There are probably more mistakes as well.

There are probably more mistakes? How can one assume that just because of a few grammatical errors? I'm not trying to be snide, I just don't like seeing someone using assumptions in a derogatory manner, it serves no purpose. If you are going to assume something, assume that Liv Tyler will run away with you if you asked her... it never hurt anyone when I did.

EDIT: I'd also like to see more of this.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
There are probably more mistakes? How can one assume that just because of a few grammatical errors? I'm not trying to be snide, I just don't like seeing someone using assumptions in a derogatory manner, it serves no purpose. If you are going to assume something, assume that Liv Tyler will run away with you if you asked her... it never hurt anyone when I did.

EDIT: I'd also like to see more of this.


All of this, minus the Liv Tyler sentiment.

I don't think they can even be classified as mistakes, because I think that freshtunes realizes when you're writing as a hobby that grammar isn't the most important thing. I think he was just not that worried about it. But I've been wrong before

Regardless, none of the "mistakes" detracted from the piece in any way.

Not trying to sound like a bitch... just sayin.

But yeah, I'd like to see where this story goes.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 27, 2009,
#6
The grammar police hit this piece quick, i see.

Don't know if you wanted suggestions to make it better, or just a general thumbs up or down, but i'll offer some suggestions.
if you could care less about the grammar, you can generally ignore the advice preceded by the (wee-ooo wee-ooo)'s, that's my designation for grammar police (kinda corny, but whatever)

Crit:
First paragraph
First sentence: IMO, the gold standard of opening lines.
Third sentence: after commercial-chain-coffee shop, maybe say something like, "and waited in a none(or not)-too-surprising line for over ten minutes."
Fourth and fifth sentences: Try "the people in front of me were all dressed in generically professional attire, conversing as if they knew each other because they were so much alike." not that it may be YOUR image of people in a coffee shop, but when i think commercial coffee shop chain, i think of generically professional attire.
Sixth sentence, "A man, two college graduates ahead of me, was chatting violently into his cell phone." Don't know if it was intentional, but 'chatting' and 'violently' are nearly direct opposites, at least to me.
Boxing metaphor: I like it, contrary to AngryGoldfish, but i would change the word 'microphone' to the word 'receiver.'
Final Sentence: nice idea. however, i don't know if "choreographed dance" is consistent with the boxing metaphor. maybe "pre-written political speech" in place of "choreographed dance."

As a whole: Good intro. I feel that AngryGoldfish is correct in a sense, but also i feel that stating how generically professional the coffee shop customers are dressed would give purpose to both that section of the first paragraph and also the next one.

Second paragraph
First Sentence: nothing to change, i think the introduction of your character as one who is apart from the others in terms of attire is consistent with the idea from the first lines of the previous paragraph that the character has not been in a commercial-chain coffee shop.
Second Sentence: (wee-ooo wee-ooo) hyphen between 'home' and 'hemmed,' and AFAIK 'pinstriped' is one word.
I would also change the word 'possibly' with either of 'felt' or 'wore.'
Third Sentence: Nothing. Just reads as an extension of the character description, which is fine.
Fourth Sentence: first half is good, second half would read better as "revealing the veins jutting from my forearms."
Fifth Sentence: (wee-ooo wee-ooo) semicolon after the word 'tea.'
Maybe replace "longer" with "through the insomniac hours." i think this would put "something i never wanted" to better use.

As a whole: A necessary self-character development IMO, not to mention the contrast to the others waiting in line in the first paragraph.

**for the final two paragraphs, i have very few specific line comments.

Third paragraph
"behind the counter i caught a glimpse of three baristas." One of them seems to have taken a vacation in the middle of that paragraph because i only caught a description of two of them.

Also, the sentence following the first one seems to be a fragment to me. combining this with what AngryGoldfish said above, maybe this could be a suitable revision:
-- ''One was an old Mexican lady, whose wrinkles and years gave the impression that she had greeted the sixteenth century conquistadors on the beach naked. ...''

Third sentence: i would put 'i had seen' in place of ' i saw.'

(wee-ooo wee-ooo) third sentence; 'seamen' is unfortunately one word. also, the final sentence; semicolon after 'belonged to her," an apostrophe in passenger's, and maybe a long dash in place of the comma after 'seat.'

Fourth Paragraph

only two grammatical errors, but very strong.

(wee-ooo wee-ooo)
Second sentence: 'heavyweight' is one word. Also, fourth sentence: hyphen between less-focused, since together they are one adjective describing the manner.

Both of the third and fourth paragraphs are excellent, and as a whole this is a good starter to a scene, since you used each paragraph as character-developing.

all of these are really my discretion on how to make it better, but you have your own reservations, so if you don't like something i suggested then nix it. i'm just here to help is all

i would love to see how this turns out.


Link is in sig if you're interested in c4c. by all means, treat mine as i treated yours.
#7
good read, not as exciting as some of your others but I wish I could write about the everyday nothings in the manor you can, its stunning. anyway the only real error I found was in the third stanza.

"the other women had a cute charm to her"

should be woman, no?

anyway great work, looking forward to others.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.
#8
i would very much enjoy a continuation, or part II or something.
finding your prose...interesting, Nick.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Quote by AngryGoldfish
There are probably more mistakes? How can one assume that just because of a few grammatical errors? I'm not trying to be snide, I just don't like seeing someone using assumptions in a derogatory manner, it serves no purpose. If you are going to assume something, assume that Liv Tyler will run away with you if you asked her... it never hurt anyone when I did.

EDIT: I'd also like to see more of this.



Sorry, I didn't mean it in a derogatory manner at all. I was just trying to say that, since I've seen obvious ones like "to" and "too" already, it'd be good to look over it as there probably will be more.

However, if freshtunes is aware of this and doesn't mind, then it doesn't matter. I just don't know that.
Last edited by michal23 at Mar 3, 2009,