#1
Submerged in my subconscious
Threading thoughts
Nerve paths and light bulbs
Memories, ideas
Dreaming my delusions
Id and ego collide
Lost in the chaos of my imagination
The maelstrom of emotions batters me
Overpowered.
Disjointed fragments of sentience interact and battle for dominance in the theatre of 'me', crashing and blending into a hybrid bastard of profound insights into the nature of thought-
.
Wrestling back control from the infinite spiral
Pruning the side branches to get back to the original idea
Forced.
Basics.
Stripping away delusions
Memories of ideas
Regulating thoughts
Emerging from my subconscious
The truth is in the tangents
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#2
Quote by Eggmond
Submerged in my subconscious
Threading thoughts
Nerve paths and light bulbs
Memories, ideas
Dreaming my delusions
Id and ego collide
So far, this is amazing. No problems whatsoever, bar one: I don't like the above line at all. I know what you're trying to say, but I'd rephrase it.
Lost in the chaos of my imagination
The maelstrom of emotions batters me
I'd add a semicolon after 'me'
Overpowered.
Disjointed fragments of sentience interact and battle for dominance in the theatre of 'me', crashing and blending into a hybrid bastard of profound insights into the nature of thought-
I'd split these lines up like so: break after 'interact', break after 'me', break after 'bastard' (and I'd change that word as well, I didn't like it).
.
Wrestling back control from the infinite spiral
Pruning the side branches to get back to the original idea
This was also good, but I'd rephrase this. I didn't like 'to get back to', it was a bit too... boring.
Forced.
Basics.
Stripping away delusions
Memories of ideas
Regulating thoughts
Emerging from my subconscious
The truth is in the tangents
Great ending. I particularly love, in this piece, the disjointed, skippy feel that it has to it. I'd perhaps try to mirror that in structure, have one line to the left, one line to the right, that sort of thing; it's what I'd do. I adore your use of complex vocabulary, it really does add a lot more to the piece. Overall, I'd say 8/10.


C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

#3
The impression that I got from this is that it sounds all pretty and everything, but in reality it just seems entirely redundant, like you were saying the same thing over and over, so by the end it was like you weren't really saying anything at all and so I didn't really get anything out of it. Maybe that was just me though.

Instead of just taking one idea and stretching it out, I think you should try using a variety of content.



EDIT: Would be great if you could look at the first link in my sig. Thanks.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Feb 27, 2009,
#4
This is great. I really liked the word choice, flow, and overall tone of it.
The only thing I would say is to maybe change some of the words at the end, like delusion and memories in the last stanza because it is repetitive, but then again i like the circular effect it brings into the piece.
Otherwise, I really like it. good job man
#5
i like it
The flow and language is nice.
The only thing would be to break up "Disjointed fragments of sentience interact and battle for dominance in the theatre of 'me', crashing and blending into a hybrid bastard of profound insights into the nature of thought". Just seems a lil too chunky as it is. And the more i read over it, the less i like Bastard in there, doesnt seem quite right.
Good piece overall though
#6
the middle section is supposed to be long and unmanagable as it represents me getting lost in a train of thought.thanks for all the feedback
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial