#1
This is a song i wrote about my mother and the surgery she has faced recently and the face that i might lose her by the time i finish high school.


The clock is ticking
Her time is up
Her lights are flickering
you only have seconds left
our life flashes before Your eyes
you see her die
You didn't say goodbye
she underlies in her casket

[chorus]
Dont make your life to waste
you've had only death to taste
a forthcoming of words
a unbecoming of life
[/chorus]

Theirs that voice in your mind
It makes you think what could you have done
but you cant lie to the fact that I would have been nothing without you
This is a forthcoming of her hope
as she looks down on you
from above she says
Dont change

*chorus*

Night by night
the thought of her life changes my life
COMPLETELY
day by day
i go on
only to choose to praise her living memory
I trace your heart over mine
to make your love go with me
where ever i go
#2
i get the feeling that there is a lot of rhythm change in this, and also, i can't picture it with any sort of music.

one other thing, the first line of the chorus is a little shaky. maybe changing the word "make" to the word "leave" would help a bit.

#3
Quote by convictionless
Going to be harsh. I know this a personal topic etc, but what's the point in posting if you aren't going to get honest feedback. Hopefully it will help you grow as a writer so you can write something that will truly express only YOU and not the colloquialisms and cliche of the world around you coating what you want to say.

The clock is ticking
Her time is up
Her lights are flickering
you only have seconds left
our life flashes before Your eyes
you see her die
You didn't say goodbye
she underlies in her casket

This is pretty standard. A lot of the images and ideas can be found in a hundred other songs; and it really takes away from the personality of the verse. i won't comment on rhythm, i can't hear how you plan on playing it; but poetically... this just didn't hold much water. You have standard ideas and images; and you don't really expand on them. Bring HER into this. Talk about the personal aspect. Bring her quirks and whatnot into this. Talk about the fact that your mom has a favorite ring or something and you focus on that in the casket or something. Bring some honesty and truth and transplant them to this; instead of relying on cliches. This needs life; its dead as it stands... no personality and no room to breathe and exist as a single entity.

[chorus]
Dont make your life to waste
you've had only death to taste
a forthcoming of words
a unbecoming of life
[/chorus]

Again, soft. May work well as a chorus though; and unpersonal and "philosophically correct" type thing to break up personal experience.

Theirs that voice in your mind
It makes you think what could you have done
but you cant lie to the fact that I would have been nothing without you
This is a forthcoming of her hope
as she looks down on you
from above she says
Dont change

Again, the writing here is weak. I need so much more from you. It's hard to critique techniques and stuff; when you are just feeding me cliches. Stretch your boundaries. "don't change." Would your mother say it like that? Or would she say something like, "just be who you are now; people will love it" or something like that? Or would she be like my mom and say, "Eat your god-damn vegetables." And let her love for me be understated? I need to know that if I'm going to believe your narrator. I would have no idea this was about something personal if you didn't preface it with that; because you simply haven't let the personal part shine through it. This should carry so much emotion and impact, and right now it has nothing.

*chorus*

Night by night
the thought of her life changes my life
COMPLETELY
day by day
i go on
only to choose to praise her living memory
I trace your heart over mine
to make your love go with me
where ever i go

Like the last three; first three start to show some personality.



Well, you see my main complaint. I need YOU to be in this and not some piece that could have been written by any run of the mill Schmuck who could lose someone they love soon. I need to to specialize this and make it MATTER to you. I need you to paint some damn tear-drops into this and make me cry with you. I didn't. I didn't feel anything other than remorse for the fact you wrote with so many cliches. Expand on this; breathe some of your breath into it. Write it in a way that only you can write it. This will come with practice.


Welcome to my sig. Tell your mom she made some random 22 year olds night the other night, and then slap her butt for me.

If you would like, I'd love some thoughts on the "three piece suit" link in my sig.

-zC
#4
well see, this song. Well its kidna old, and i re wrote it a tad bit and then added on the last stanza. LOL so the new part i added was showing me skill more.
ill post another song of mine that is new.
I slaped my moms ass and i got beat with a bag of oranges
and ill check out your song.