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#1
Share some

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#6
2 guys walk into a bar, you woulda thought the second guy would have seen it or something.

A man walks into a bar. Alcoholism is slowly ruining his life and family.
I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money.I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.
#8
Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#9
you can't beat old people can you....pity


err...

three men walk into a bar,it hurt.
Quote by imdeth
Centorium you dick
I keep lookin behind me,You're amazing at this


Quote by Aerokizzombie
Dam,Cent, ur repeating man scares the shit out of me, its so true


Quote by CodChick
Omg Cent,Ive been havin nightmares because of u


Quote by MCMXCII
**** you man,I was just going to bed


I'm scary
#12
Quote by Doppelgänger
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


No muerde, no calla
Sin sangre no hay arte
Nada ni nadie
De nada más

#14
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine

*pronounce it*
Current gear:
Carvin CT6M
TC Electronics Dark Matter distortion
Harley Benton 2x12, with Celestion V30s
Laney Ironheart 60w tube amp
#15
Yes, this is all copypasta. In fact, I'm copying it from another thread.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic
engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.


How do you drown a blonde?

Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops
struggling.


Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Repeated absences and stealing.


So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.


How do you brainwash a blonde?

A rigorous schedule of psychologically breaking down their confidence and resistance to outside suggestion.


A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's
office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral."


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder
case in a remote field.


Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.

John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"

Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"


A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him.

Savagely.


A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress
unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realising that he hates his life.

Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls
over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an
ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw
earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".


A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.


Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.


What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.


Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.


A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."


Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's really cold.


A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving
metal boxes with wheels.


A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.


A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.


What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


A man walks into a *****house and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."


A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"


How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your
neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing
FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal,
dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you
to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same
thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the
room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains
the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a
harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."


A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, "You need an operation".

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says*, "Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to
provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here's his address, and
I'll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try
to see him soon, though. At the moment, I'm concerned about the size and
location of this tumour, and I think we should move quickly if we're going
to get our best results."


What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.


A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to
keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the
adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable
sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo
and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a
hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one'
he asks. The assistant tells him,

'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo
dildo.'

'Well what's so special about it?'

'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of
the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly
splinter anyway.'

'Oh ok.'

The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot
hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were
girl-girl-guy.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate
to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set
for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply
distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the
added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother
was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her
quite forgetful and distracted of late.

Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually
encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging
itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture
removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.

Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental
Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken,
being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen
trout fisherman.

"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for
excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most
iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope.
He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the
clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.


Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if
they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.

The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan
must be tricking them into committing sin. When confronted with this
accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on
their cunning and steadfast faith.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But
the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in
Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and
leaves.


Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.


Where did Hitler keep his armies?

The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout
different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the
Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure
shipping routes.
RAZZLEFRAZZLE
#16
What is yellow and smells like blue paint?

Yellow paint.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#18
a horse walks into a bar,
the bartender says, "why the long face?"

i never found that funny, even when it was followed up by the horse replying, "i have AIDS"
Quote by destroy_techno
Quote by Mr.Witty
There!
Snake Eater has transferred! Play it!
HEY!

This isn't snake eating porn...




GT Crew & Fishy & Techno

Judge Magister of the 'Guns shouldn't be included in every damn game you bloody poinkers!'
association
#19
Anyone heard who's the latest to be struck by unemployment?


Jade Goody's hairdresser

Quote by Skwisgar
The trip would reach its climax when you came across a character filling a pool via fapping and attempting to drown innocent people in it


Quote by Diet_coke_head
I ran up and started screaming rape because I knew she would never cheat on me.
#20
What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree it'd kill you?


A fridge in a denim jacket.
Quote by Karvid
You win this thread. And UG. I haven't actually lol'd at a post in a really long time. Thanks for changing that. I expect a sig


He expected this.

Something you definitely need to know
#21
What has three heads and a coat made of gold?


Use the search bar.


I kid, i kid.
"He can dance if he wants too, he can leave his friends behind..."


Quote by Tsucchi
Because nothing is sexier than a man with a mouth full of crayons.
#22
So a dyslexic pimp opens a warehouse...
ERADICATE THIS DISEASE



Because it's killing me.
#23
what's brown and sticky?.
a piece of ****

a dyslexic man walks into a bra
Last edited by toine at Feb 28, 2009,
#24
Quote by Doppelgänger
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
The nigger that stole my ice cream.

Note, I'm not a huge racist. I just think nearly everything is funny.
#25
Quote by Dannystrumpop
What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree it'd kill you?


A fridge in a denim jacket.

(\/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny.
(")_(") ExtremeMetalFTW donated these ears
Notice something wrong? Yea, me too
| |
[ ]
#26
What kind of pants does Mario wear?

Denim-Denim-Denim.
Quote by darthteet
Someone made a sensible post. Well done, genuinely. Adamonia, that is.

Quote by YourDad
Adamonia, I completely agree with every single word you just said.

Dum Spiro Spero.
#28
how has this not been mentioned, the all time classic:

why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side! olololololololololol
#29
Did you know Helen Keller had a playset in her backyard?
Neither did she.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#30
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?


To get to the other side.
You're using UG classic, congratulations.
You should be using UG classic.




E-Married to Guitar0Player

http://the llama forum because its gone forever which sucks and I hate it.
#32
Quote by jgbsmith
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?


To get to the other side.


haha

I personally think that's an incredible joke.
#33
What has fifty feet but can't walk?
A tape measure.

What's small, green, and goes camping?
A boy sprout.
#34
Quote by Callumcafc
Which crisps can fly?

Plain crisps.


Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond.



i laughed
YEAH! ಠ_ಠ
#35
Q:Whats /thread?
A: Searchbar
Q: Has this been done before?
A: Searchbar
Q: Should this go in the computer thread?
A: Probably not, nothing else does...
#36
Quote by corndog97
i laughed


Jesus, ill sell you the book I got them out of for only 10 pounds sterling!
YOU KNOW IT'S A BARGAIN.
#37
here's a good one my dad told me yesterday


the anti-west attitude in the middle east has got so bad that in bahrain they no longer speak of the flintstones, whereas those in abu dhabi do.


i hope to god that you get it.
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
#39
why did the boy fall of his bike?

because someone threw a fridge at him.
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
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