#1
I just got started on this song today. I was just looking to see if it was good enough to keep and work with some more. So please just leave some feedback, and if its not good how can I improve my lyrics?


The choices you have made are set in stone
and as you drift off to sleep you start to groan
the killing you have done has gone on for too long
and my heart starts to sink as I'm singing this song

no one cares for you insolence
you could die today
and now one would cry not even me


Ok thats it the last 3 lines I don't really know yet. I was wondering if I could turn that into the chorus. Or would that not work?
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#2
I read it over a couple times. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like the song is about a person who betrays all of their friends and then dies, so that's kind of what I'm going off of. That said, overall I think it has potential if you flesh it out, but there are 2 things I see that you could fix.

Line 2: I think that one needs to be reworked. It's kind of nondescriptive, the groan could be because the person's dying, or because of pleasure. I'm thinking if you ended the line with 'alone' you'd have a lot more flexibility.

Lines 4 and 7: Line 4 kind of seems like the state this person has reached really upsets you, but line 7 makes you seem totally apathetic. I think you need to keep your message more consistent.

So, keep working on this. By the way, what genre are you thinking for this?
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#3
Quote by Mephysteaux
I read it over a couple times. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me like the song is about a person who betrays all of their friends and then dies, so that's kind of what I'm going off of. That said, overall I think it has potential if you flesh it out, but there are 2 things I see that you could fix.

Line 2: I think that one needs to be reworked. It's kind of nondescriptive, the groan could be because the person's dying, or because of pleasure. I'm thinking if you ended the line with 'alone' you'd have a lot more flexibility.

Lines 4 and 7: Line 4 kind of seems like the state this person has reached really upsets you, but line 7 makes you seem totally apathetic. I think you need to keep your message more consistent.

So, keep working on this. By the way, what genre are you thinking for this?

like a hardcore/hard rock song. And thanks i didnt even realize that i said two totally different things in the song
Gear Wish list:

Gibson Custom Les Paul Left handed

ISP Decimator

Maxon OD808

Peavey 6505 Halfstack

Gear Fund: 0/6000