#1
c4c.


Slip angry needles into your brain and
watch as you slide down the wall,
a broken bitch.
Count the tears as they fall,
each one a small victory.

And just as you gasp for the last time,
I'll pick you up in merciful hands
and carry you home.
Stitch you back together;
ugly stitches,
woven with vengeful thoughts.

Breathe and live,
but for the rest of your days
you'll wear the scars of your
infidelity.
#2
WARNING: You're about to be arsefucked with as little lubricant as possible. Right, legs spread, here we go....

Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


Run you through with an unsheathed sabre;
watch as you slide down the wall,
a broken bitch. Ok, no. Come on, you can say this so much better. You can do anger without coming off like a whiny three year old. You can acheive a better effect without just simply saying a broken bitch. YOu've got this great maturity in the first two lines, then you ruin it.
Count the tears as they fall,
each one a small victory;
each a small taste of the vengeance I'd promised. Badly, badly worded. This reads really clumsily and again, coming off as some death metal song about guts eating flesh searing zombies. I don't believe you. I can't connect.

And just as you gasp for the last time,
I'll pick you up in murderous hands; Your hands aren't murderous. If you were taking her somewhere to murder her, then they would be murderous, but you're taking her away to "stitch her back together", therefor murderous is the wrong word
carry you from the scene
and stitch you back together. These two lines are terrible, there is nothing here.
Ugly stitches,
done quickly with rattling hands. And this could be worded so much better. THis whole stanza is really bad after about the third line onwards. This is coming off really immature and failing at its purpose.

You'll be whole,
but ugly as the sins
you've committed to start
this whole process over
again and again. The ending needs to be so much stronger than it is atm.


OK Zach, this just doesn't work. Justified anger comes off as "poor me, the bitch was mean, i kill da bitch, die fucking bitch, die!" and really, this piece is far too immature for a writer of your skill. This has the potential to be powerful and gripping, but as it is, i can't believe it. It's emotionless in its immaturity, it stirs nothing and chances are i'll forget it. Also, the unsheathed sabre sounds too much like you're talking about your dick. That really needs to change. I mean, who kills someone with a sabre these days anyway? That seems like you were just trying to sound overly dramatic.

If you read my piece, I'll run you through with an unsheathed sabre until our eyeballs bleed.

Ciao, bitch
#4
"And just as you gasp for the last time,
I'll pick you up in merciful hands
and carry you home.
Stitch you back together;
ugly stitches,
woven with vengeful hands."

Are your hands merciful or are they vengeful? Do you see my problem?

Everything else is much better, though i'm still not 100% on the first line.
#5
Slip angry needles into your brain and
watch as you slide down the wall,
a broken bitch.
Count the tears as they fall,
each one a small victory.

Not really a point of criticism, but I have a personal hatred of using the word brain in poetry or lyrics, though I haven't figured out why. I didn't mind "broken bitch" personally. That's what set the mood that I think you were going for with this piece.

And just as you gasp for the last time,
I'll pick you up in merciful hands
and carry you home.
Stitch you back together;
ugly stitches,
woven with vengeful thoughts.

I agree with what Kyle was saying about this stanza. Even with the revisions it still seems to completely contradict itself with no noticeable transition in between.

Breathe and live,
but for the rest of your days
you'll wear the scars of your
infidelity.

Kind of confused now as to what exactly is going on. Now you're saying she can "breathe and live" but just up there she was gasping "for the last time". If the idea is that you brought her back to life, then I think you need to make that more clear. As is, I think you're asking the reader to assume too much.

I think this piece needs more substance. It doesn't really tell us enough to make us care about what happens at the end.

Thanks for checking out my piece.

#6
Zach, i meant what I said about not reading my piece. However I have now posted an infinitely better one which I would like you to read. Link in my sig.

Quote by bassbeat77
I think this piece needs more substance. It doesn't really tell us enough to make us care about what happens at the end.


That is exactly the same problem I have. There's nothing here to feel Zach.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


Slip angry needles into your brain and
Personally, I'd either put 'and' at the start of the second line, or get rid of it altogether.
watch as you slide down the wall,
a broken bitch.
You already mentioned you won't remove the word 'bitch', but I must admit that I really despite swearing in poetry. It just tends to take any credibility the poet has and throw it out the window.
Count the tears as they fall,
each one a small victory.
The start is decent, though I must say I'm not quite feeling it.

And just as you gasp for the last time,
I'll pick you up in merciful hands
and carry you home.
Stitch you back together;
ugly stitches,
woven with vengeful thoughts.
First three lines were quite mediorce, nothing particularly interesting; last three lines were awesome.

Breathe and live,
Perhaps change the comma to a semicolon or a colon?
but for the rest of your days
you'll wear the scars of your
infidelity.

Overall, it was decent. I don't want to come across as overly critical, overly ass-kissing either. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful either. I think that you could develop this a lot more, as at the moment I think it's lacking one or two stanzas after the first one. I may not be as helpful as the other guys, but this is jsut my opinion.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

#8
a small victory.

something about phrases that are accepted as stock phrases, sort of like idioms, is offputting to me a lot of the time. I guess I just hope for you to pry into my brain a little more with something I've never heard before rather than relying (relying is too strong of a word) on premade phrases you know?
I guess I should recognize that this is hardly a problem here but I felt like saying it because I thought this section was a little stingy.

first stanza is ok but not spectacular.

I don't really care for the repetition of stitches. I mean it was sort of a "aw come on" feeling when I read it. It just didn't sit well in this piece.

only thing new I have to say about this. I agree with pretty much everything else that's been said, minus the semicolon/colon

nice effort but I think you fell short of connecting on any level with me. I wanna see you try this type of stuff again though.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Mar 1, 2009,
#9
The ideas are fine, the words are all wrong.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
i don't know why you got rid of the 'unsheathed sabre' the phallic implication was the bit i liked, lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#11
This is brutal. Having read your revisions for the first time, and then going back and reading the original, quoted by kdownes, it is much better as you've revised it.

However, I think when you're talking about brutality this way, you want the poetry to be subtler, or the poem just reads as a drubbing, whether of the reader or of the unfaithful subject, whichever. Either way, it's blunt, brutal, and unappealing. I'd suggest you check out Nick Cave for brilliant implied brutality; also for brutality disguising fragile beauty. He's good at both. He also writes brutal songs about brutal subjects and brutal words, but I tend to think of those songs as the "filler" on his albums.

If I were writing this, I would use the language of brutality to describe emotional damage done by a verbal argument, rather than the physical scars left by a battering. Physical scars are unsurprising. Emotional scars aren't surprising, either, but it makes sympathy for the voice of the poem easier to muster.

In fact, if you reworked the first two lines to imply a verbal argument won by the poem's voice, rather than a beating, I think the rest of the poem would work really well. Try it and see if you don't like it better.

peace
#12
I liked this. Forgettable, though. I didn't notice any 'faults', and neither did notice anything powerful. Maybe because there is not enough material, it becomes nonexistent?