#1
Take this seriously guys. I know it might read like a horny teenager's wet dream, but if that's how you read it, then you are missing the point. c4c

Shiver

It’s somewhere in that moment,
between the clench and the realise
tangled up in tongues and lips,
pressed in between the subtly woven hips,
and tangled limbs, traced through in sweat,
and carried on a breath,
sampled on a light dancing tongue
and feathered touch, run up your thighs
as you shiver;

Taste my desires,
deep down inside,
to the ends of control and beyond.
Oh God, there’s no one,
there’s no one else here,
no one in the world,
and as we lie there wasted,
we will close our eyes
and revel in the peace.

It’s dancing feathered angels,
over naked forms entwined,
carried breath up on the neck,
through the rivets down the back,
and settled gently against your hip,
drawing life from your sweet wine,
I will drink you drink you dry,
No I will not spill a drop
even if you shiver;

chorus

You dance so slowly round my mind,
and linger on my very soul, so come inside,
come inside, oh, come inside and take your place where all is right.

Sorry about the passionate rant at the start, but I really hope people are mature enough to read this.
Last edited by kdownes at Mar 2, 2009,
#2
Quote by kdownes
Take this seriously guys. I know it might read like a horny teenager's wet dream, but if that's how you read it, then you are missing the point. c4c

Shiver

It’s somewhere in that moment,
between the clench and the realise
I'm not quite sure what the word 'realise' means here. Are you sure you don't mean 'release'?
tangled up in tongues and lips,
pressed in between the subtly woven hips,
and tangled limbs, traced through in sweat,
Your descriptions really are fantastic.
and carried on a breath,
I didn't like this line at all, perhaps try rephrasing or altogether replacing it.
a sampled on a light dancing tongue
and feathered touch, run up your thighs
as you shiver;
I really liked this; I've already said this, but I'll repeat: the way you describe really is amazing.

Taste my desires,
deep down inside,
to the ends of control and beyond,
oh God, there’s no one,
I'm thinking that "Oh God" should be the start of a new sentence. Or I'd at least add a hyphen or a semicolon after 'beyond'.
there’s no one else here,
no one in the world,
and as we lie there wasted,
we will close our eyes and revel in the peace.
The ending of this stanza wasn't as good as the last. I think the line 'revel in the peace' slightly contradicts the tension that you build up in the previous stanza.

It’s dancing feathered angels,
over naked forms entwined,
carried breath up on the neck,
through the rivets down the back,
and settled gently against your hip,
drawing life from your sweet wine,
I will drink you drink you dry,
No I will not spill a drop
I have no problems with this stanza at all, except for this line. It gives me the image of you reading this, describing it, passsioantely, then someone asking "Will you spill a drop?" and completely killing the mood. I dunno, maybe that's just me. xD
even if you shiver;

chorus

You dance so slowly round my mind,
and linger on my very soul, so come inside,
come inside, oh, come inside and take your place where all is right.
Chorus is good, I particularly liked the first line. I didn't really enjoy the repetition of 'come inside' but I guess I'd have to actualyl hear a recording to make my mind up whether or not I like this line. Overall, I really enjoyed this - I can see it as a sort of early Anathema/Lateralus-era Tool kind of song. As with everything (almost), this can be improved, but it's already a fantastic start. I hope that some of the suggestions I've made can be of help

Sorry about the passionate rant at the start, but I really hope people are mature enough to read this.


c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=18757715#post18757715

#3
thanks, that is meant to be "release" and i think i'll chuck in a full stop after beyond. The second stanza is actually the chorus, the last stanza is a bridge type thing. chorus in italics just means the chorus is repeated. Saves me writing it out again. As for the song, I'd upload it but the files too big. Goes for almost 8 minutes. And it sounds nothing like Tool, it's a very slow, very poignant piano ballad. The "No I won't spill a drop" was inspired by the Dave Matthews Band song "Crush", which features the line
"Lovely lady, let me drink you please
I won't spill a drop no I promise you."
#4
Tell you what kyle...
I'll take a thorough look at this one instead of the other one I blackdotted because it seems like you put more of yourself into this piece
#5
Quote by kdownes
It’s somewhere in that moment,
between the clench and the realise
tangled up in tongues and lips,
pressed in between the subtly woven hips,
and tangled limbs, traced through in sweat,
and carried on a breath,
a sampled on a light dancing tongue
and feathered touch, run up your thighs
as you shiver...


i love how there's some subtle internal rhyme in here. i really kind of wish there were more in your entire piece, but i like this stanza the most of all.

yr imagery is amazing, too. i really enjoyed reading this. thanks for sharing.
#6
a sampled on a light

makes no sense.

Tell me when the music's up
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Very nice. the imagery in this piece is fantastic. however, you lost me a bit in the 6th and 7th lines and the first half of line 8. maybe i am not reading it correctly but i can't seem to make sense of it.

Otherwise, no problems.

Link in sig, if you're up for a c4c.

#9
Thanks all. Dylan, I eagerly await your words. And Katherine, the file is super massive, though I can send it over MSN if you want.
#10
^ cannae upload to UG, then?
I'll ask for it when I have enough time on a computer
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Nah, every time I try my internet just crashes.

Edited slighlty, fixed up a few typos and the likes.
#12
Quote by kdownes
Take this seriously guys. I know it might read like a horny teenager's wet dream, but if that's how you read it, then you are missing the point. c4c

Shiver

It’s somewhere in that moment,
between the clench and the realise
tangled up in tongues and lips,
pressed in between the subtly woven hips,
and tangled limbs, traced through in sweat,
and carried on a breath,
sampled on a light dancing tongue
and feathered touch, run up your thighs
as you shiver;
The whole thing is one long run-on sentence. Try breaking it up. The first line really bothered me, because it seems like everyone (including me) is doing some(insert word here) in the first line of their pieces and I'm getting tired of it.
Taste my desires,
deep down inside,
to the ends of control and beyond.
Oh God, there’s no one,
there’s no one else here,
no one in the world,
and as we lie there wasted,
we will close our eyes
and revel in the peace.
This stanza doesn't seem to grow from the last one, other than the romantic feeling. The last line, "revel in peace", made me wince a little bit. You can be more creative than that, Kyle. Also, so far, I haven't seen any linebreaks that I liked. They're all very... standard.
It’s dancing feathered angels,
over naked forms entwined,
carried breath up on the neck,
through the rivets down the back,
and settled gently against your hip,
drawing life from your sweet wine,
I will drink you drink you dry,
No I will not spill a drop
even if you shiver;
This stanza is very similar to the first one lingually speaking. "Breath", "shiver", "feather", "entwined", "hip"... deja vu city! That said, I thought the imagery was used better here, with a lighter touch, so to speak. The last three lines added a different layer of meaning to this from my perspective.
chorus

You dance so slowly round my mind,
and linger on my very soul, so come inside,
come inside, oh, come inside and take your place where all is right.
Not much to say. "Dance" again; this confused the tentative theme I had built in my head.
Sorry about the passionate rant at the start, but I really hope people are mature enough to read this.


I'll give the meaning my best stab here, since you specifically talked about it. I would say it's the feeling of love that is so complete and overwhelming that it becomes addictive, and harmful to the relationship. Meh, even I feel doubtful about that. I guess I'm just not sure. I would like to hear it recorded, of course... it could be haunting in the extreme . I guess the main overarching problem here is that you poured so much emotion into it that the technique is somewhat below your standard.

Thanks for taking a look at mine
#13
Well, if UG wasn't a pain in the prosterior region i would upload it. As for the meaning, it is really rather simple. It's about loving someone purely and unconditionally, the feeling of completeness and wholeness, of knowing every ounce of each other, being one being almost. I just decided the best way to encapsulate on the metaphor was simply the moment when you're making love to someone you truely love with all our heart, that moment just before you come when for one millisecond, everything in the world stops and its just the two of you. I just didn't feel like coming right out and saying it like that in the song, figured you'd all get the idea.
#14
Well I suggest getting rid of the little note at the top then. You just confused me
#15
I probably should, I only put it in there to stop people going "YAY, sex song" or some **** like that.
#17
"No I will not spill a drop
even if you shiver;"

- Ugh!

There are a couple of "ugh" moments, but I guess it's the overall tone that counts... although, those minor cheesy occurrences are actually common enough to force a new voice upon me, one which I don't like very much. And because of that, I'm slightly put off by the whole thing; it lends an air of flimsy pretentiousness to it.
That all said, when you ran in to the "oh God" section, I revelled in how intense and important it was; it helped tie the neat first verse in together - which I really enjoyed reading over and over.

The overall voice was relatively consistent, but the theme was very exposed, and by the way you explained yourself so avidly in the beginning, I am starting to think you may not of got the message across as entirely as you may of wanted, to me anyway. There are so many different lines that evoke new ideas and I'm not sure I completely like that concerning this one. In other instances, it works amazingly well, but this just reeks of ONE point, when really it seems to be giving off many - that conflict is a little disturbing.

Also, I notice this a lot with your work, you say a lot of nonsense in between the points and key lines. Maybe it's just me, but I think you need to condense your work more and remove the excess baggage. You don't need five t-shirts for one weekend.

Yeah, so I think this needs to be condensed and helped become more thorough; not in a repetitious sense, but in a completed, realised sense. Editing this, though, could ruin it?

Digitally Clean
#18
I really liked you're imagery, nice work
Member of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join

Quote by bass-boy-garith
well done mr. kiss my bass, well done
#20
Thanks everyone. UG is still being a pain so I can't upload the song. However, anyone i talk to on MSN is more than welcome to ask for it.