#1
Hello everybody

Here's a song I wrote some days ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here, because I'm from Switzerland and English is not my mother tongue, so my wordpool is not too big
And you know I guess I lack of the feeling, the correct use of some expressions. I don't really know how to name it/the title.


Anyway I tried it so here it is:


She wounded me and drove me out of mind
I love her, although she doesn't treat me very kind

It wasnt a bad intention
I ment no harm
Does she need redemption?
All I can offer is charm

but I guess mine is not her taste
to try once more would be such a waste

It's driving me insane
when I hear the sound of her name
It's making me sick
It gives me the stick

writing her a letter was a waste of time
but even I wrote ****, I commited no crime
So why does she make me feel guilty
why does she look at me so filthy

We walk by so much
this always made me feel good
now it's become an embarassing touch
I'd like to change, if only I could
If only she'd like...

It's driving me insane
when I hear the sound of her name
It's making me sick
she's such a hot chick <= Oh Yeah!

I need a new orientation
I've had enogh transpiration <=this is stupid, I know, but it rhymes
She drove me crazy
but I was too lazy
the truth is locked up in the ward,
that I call my heart


I guess there are a lot of faults in there and I would be very pleased to hear your thoughts, interpretations or corrections.

Do you think the last paragraph matches with the rest?

Yes i know, it's cheesy, drippy, sappy, but I felt this cheesy way.

Greetings
#3
Well your right, but if it does, I like it. Do you think it's worse whe it's got rhymes?

Is it grammatically tolerably correct?
#4
Rhyming restricts your creativity. Generally, the more you rhyme, the worse quality your piece is, with few exceptions.
#5
ok, i got it....regrettably

do you look for measure or are good lyrics just written without any restrictions?
#6
Good lyrics, in my opinion, are ones which are descriptive, full of metaphor and imagery, keeping things interesting and open to interpretation. I find it helpful if I just write almost all of my stuff on the spot, without thinking of meter or rhyme, and then try to make it flow and sound better later on.
#7
Ok, that's something I like too. Mostly I try to get my ideas down from the beginning on with rhymes or another structure. but I guess that's really something that hinders me sometimes. but after that I see, that it wasn't really good and so I have to go over it again.

But I think because I like everything in a certain structure from the beginning on, I throw many good ideas away just because they don't fit the frame I set for the piece.

Thanks for the comments, UG is really a good platform to get feedback. Helped me alot.