#1
Some lines i wrote while bored in class.

I shall never not wreak of cigarettes
never not curse you under my breath
permanent sleep, temporary suicide
sex doesnt sell, it lies
Take nothing for face value until it dies
I will 2nd guess you and I,
enough for both of us
I wont do shit for awhile
gotta find a way to do nothing better
I feel great, but its probaly the drugs
I made a shelter out of the hole ive dug
My liver is my punching bag
and we both dont give a fuck
if i lost my luck,
should i still test it?
disect, neglect, infect, and molest it?
Im bipolar but im missing a pole
so excuse me if im far too high or low
im fully awaree that i dont know
how to get back from the path ive chose
Last edited by meet puppets at Mar 1, 2009,
#2
Quote by meet puppets
Some lines i wrote while bored in class.

I shall never not wreak of cigarettes It's "reek"
never not curse you under my breath
permanent sleep, temporary suicide
i think this line is way out of place. Cut it unless you get a good match for it
sex doesnt sell, it lies
Take nothing for face value until it dies
I will 2nd guess you and I,
enough for both of us
I wont do shit for awhile
gotta find a way to do nothing better
I feel great, but its probaly the drugs
I made a shelter out of the hole ive dug
My liver is my punching bag
and we both dont give a fuck
if i lost my luck,
should i still test it?
disect, neglect, infect, and molest it?
Above three lines were great!
Im bipolar but im missing a pole
so excuse me if im far too high or low
Great imagery. I read the first line like this "WTH? Were is he going? OH!!!" It also sets up great for the close
im fully awaree that i dont know
how to get back from the path ive chose


Some really really awesome lines, but not sure if all of them jive together. From "I lost my luck" I loved it and have little crit. First half can be kept in, but it needs a lot of work. I was distracted by the fact that some of the lines rhymed and others didn't, really threw off the rhythm. Go back over that first part and you could have some really great lyrics.

I liked it.
#3
I like the idea, but something are more of a punch in the face if they're less blunt. A lot of the grittier things were just stated as fact rather than giving the reader something to work with creatively.
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#4
^ well i just like to write contradicting and somewhat witty lines that relate to myself. I dont like to go into to much length about them. And i didnt think this poem/song/whatever had an idea, just more of a flow of sentences that barely relate and barely rhyme.