#1
two weeks of maturity
still waiting for
vital life forces
to kick in
and a kiss to be
more than
a touch of the lips

drunk as shit
a hundred miles away
aching to relieve
the violent sparks gathered
after so many years
of waiting,
upon the mouth
between the legs
across the chest -
fingertips quaking
with veins undiscovered
before the pulsing flood
of blood and conquest

midnight, grad psychology hallway
relieved.

back to the dorm
another couple in the other bed.
laying in silence
comfort in each other
with minds in great unease,
knowing what awaits

morning after
Hey baby, I miss you already! Come back soon duckling <3
heart like an anchor in the gut.


haven't written in a LONG while. i guess i needed to be in a bad state of mind again.
c4c
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Quote by vintage x metal
two weeks of maturity
still waiting for
vital life forces
to kick in
and a kiss to be
more than
a touch of the lips
It feels like "for", in the second line, should be something else. Maybe "on", or "on the"? This is, overall, quite nice in that it's very insecure and innocent. It's a little scary in that sense, like your character is so undefinable, and your openness is so forward, it actually makes the read uncomfortable, in a seductive sense of the word. This sets things of well and doesn't smack your emotions rudely just for the sake of it.

drunk as shit
a hundred miles away
aching to relieve
the violent sparks gathered
after so many years
of waiting,
upon the mouth
between the legs
across the chest -
fingertips quaking
with veins undiscovered
before the pulsing flood
of blood and conquest
This is good in that it borders on pointless sexuality but doesn't falter too far the wrong way, which I was worried about and have seen from you in the past. The intoduction, with it's use of vulgar language, only hints towards rebelliousness and it's accompanying reminders of sexual emotions and encounters, and thus allows the diction to set a tone, not take control of the reader by the throat. I'm just not sure I like the word "relieve" - it's says too much concerning the theme and relates more than I would of wanted.


midnight, grad psychology hallway
relieved.
Same issue here with "relieved", unfortunately.


back to the dorm
another couple in the other bed.
laying in silence
comfort in each other
with minds in great unease,
knowing what awaits
"in the other bed" is a little wordy and disconcerting to read and hear. I enjoyed everything else.


morning after
Hey baby, I miss you already! Come back soon duckling <3
heart like an anchor in the gut.
Fantastic ending, it really adds something new to this piece, something that I wasn't really expecting, to be honest.



haven't written in a LONG while. i guess i needed to be in a bad state of mind again.
c4c

I worry that you rely too much on this theme and style of writing. It's intense and makes for some of the most emotionally distraught writing I have ever read - thus placing you uncomfortably in my top ten writers on UG - but this is a common read from you and I'd like to see something a little less 'safe', even though the tone and theme are actually the total opposite. I'm getting tired of that contradiction and battle.

Still, I really liked this, once again.

Digitally Clean
#5
Honored. I only write like this when I'm in this state of mind though. And if I'm feeling well, I usually don't write
I wrote a new poem in a different style, if you could help me out with it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja