#1
simple song.
sing along.
*get the lack of caring for cliche
and bad rhymes that don't portray
what i was trying to say*
lalala.


If it’s half past three then why don’t I feel
the same as yesterday?
Yesterday the sun was shining, now I’m
walking through the rain

and can this thing that we call time
really be measured on a graph,
if there’s no point of reference other than
the weather and zero and all of that?

Does the world really repeat
every three hundred and sixty degrees?
Or after millions of years have we been
thrown in to mystery?

Is the angle touching the sphere
made from two chords which measure pole to pole
really equal to the one made
on the other side of the globe?

and does that last radioactive atom
really just disappear?
Or is one micro-millionth of matter
left over in the atmosphere?

Why can’t we see the wires
that link up the brains of you and me?

and do you really think God spends his time
wondering where the now is
on a time scale of eternity?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
I like it, but I'm not feeling the scansion; particularly in the first two stanzas and the fourth. I'm with you on the sentiment, though, and your turns of phrase, as usual, are finely considered and exciting.

Here's how I would change it:

If it’s half past three then why don’t I feel
the same as yesterday?
Then the sun was shining, and now I’m
walking through the rain

can this thing that we call time
be measured on a graph,
if there’s no point of reference but
the weather and all of that?


Does the world really repeat
every three hundred and sixty degrees?
Or after millions of years have we been
thrown in to mystery?

Is the angle touching the sphere,
made from two chords from pole to pole,
really equal to the one made
on the other side of the globe?

and does that last radioactive atom
really just disappear?
Or is one micro-millionth of matter
left over in the atmosphere?

Why can’t we see the wires
that link up the brains of you and me?

and do you really think God spends his time
wondering where the now is
on a time scale of eternity?


The and in the first stanza is probably unnecessary, but I would probably have an indistinct, neutral syllable like that, if I were performing this.

In the second stanza, your scansion totally didn't work for me, but I may have a different sort of tune in mind than you do, or a different meter, so I'm probably wrong. But that's how I'd change it . (That said, I loved "the weather and zero and all of that," as points of reference, but it just didn't scan. I'm sure if you can work the zero back in and make it scan, it would be better )

I'd say "two cords from pole to pole," but I think we Yanks spell that use of the word cord differently than you Limeys For me, "chords" refers to collections of notes, but "cords" refers to strings and wires and suchlike. Otherwise, it's just a scansion thing, and again, it may work fine with the tune you have in mind. Oh, and I'd set that line off with commas, since it's a parenthetical, that being an exception to my ordinary rule of "don't use end-of-line punctuation."

As always, feel free to ignore anything I have to say, but that's what I've got.

peace
#3
thank you
chords is right in english.
my accent makes things rhyme/flow with music. the other day someone told me that i might lose my accent some day; i might write a song about that.

oh, and i had to google half the words you said to describe writing techniques. i suppose i'm better for it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I liked the seemingly random way this was wrote. It had a certain tone to it that was a little funny and cute. I don't know how to explain it properly. I'll be back. I may not say anything, though.
#5
I've misspent my youth in autodidactical over-education, and I hereby extend my apologies for the possession of such a voluminous lexicon

If it's any consolation, when I'm teaching English at an inner-city high school, the kids look at me like I'm either evil or crazy, and who's to say that they're wrong... ?

peace
#6
I like the randomness of the whole thing, but at somepoints I'm just lost and thinking, did I really just read that?

But all in all I liked it, nice work.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#7
^ No worries; I need to expand my vocabulary, particularly when it comes to the names of writing devices etc. I tend to use them and not know that they have names.

Quote by jcboomer
I like the randomness of the whole thing, but at somepoints I'm just lost and thinking, did I really just read that?

But all in all I liked it, nice work.


Care to expand on your feelings behind the bits you were sure you 'just read'? As in, what reasoning do you think was behind you not being sure of them?

Dan, thank you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
If it’s half past three then why don’t I feel
the same as yesterday?
Yesterday the sun was shining, now I’m
walking through the rain

and can this thing that we call time
really be measured on a graph,
if there’s no point of reference other than
the weather and zero and all of that?

Does the world really repeat
every three hundred and sixty degrees?
Or after millions of years have we been
thrown in to mystery?

Is the angle touching the sphere
made from two chords which measure pole to pole
really equal to the one made
on the other side of the globe?

and does that last radioactive atom
really just disappear?
Or is one micro-millionth of matter
left over in the atmosphere?

Why can’t we see the wires
that link up the brains of you and me?

and do you really think God spends his time
wondering where the now is
on a time scale of eternity?



Hmmm, this is pretty interesting, I like the theoretical and philosophical challenging that the lines provide. However, i do like Nilchii's edit of the second stanza.
Unfortunately, i can't really offer much in terms of line critique because it all seems pretty well-structured.

one grammar thing i can see is in the third stanza, "in to" should be one word.

i know its not much in the way of a crit, but as i said, i didn't really see any line critique other than what was covered already.

links in sig if you are interested, either one is fine.



-DTH
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 3, 2009,
#9
Thank you, I'll get back to you tomorrow.
Nilchii's edit on the second verse didn't work for me because I see 'but' more as a negative connective, and I think that phrasing would really sound odd in a Manc accent, but I understand why it would seem odd to someone else.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by DigUpHerBones
simple song.
sing along.
*get the lack of caring for cliche
and bad rhymes that don't portray
what i was trying to say*
lalala.


If it’s half past three then why don’t I feel
the same as yesterday?
Yesterday the sun was shining, now I’m
walking through the rain


and can this thing that we call time
really be measured on a graph,
if there’s no point of reference other than
the weather and zero and all of that?


Does the world really repeat
every three hundred and sixty degrees?
Or after millions of years have we been
thrown in to mystery?


Is the angle touching the sphere
made from two chords which measure pole to pole
really equal to the one made
on the other side of the globe?

and does that last radioactive atom
really just disappear?
Or is one micro-millionth of matter
left over in the atmosphere?


Why can’t we see the wires
that link up the brains of you and me?

and do you really think God spends his time
wondering where the now is
on a time scale of eternity?



great song i really enjoyed. killer lyrics. the ones in bold are my favorite verses. the one in larger font i still really enjoyed thoroughly but i do feel it dosent really go with the flow of the song but I wouldnt change it gives it a little mysterious MGMT kind of a vibe.

i give this song a 8 3/4 / 10