#1
Metro stations put dividers in the benches to
discourage homeless people from sleeping on them.
Take a train, take a train to sleep away his name.
Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the
pain of an aching tooth.
You're always a difficult girl to a degree -
Cutting your stomach open with a box cutter rather than untying the knot.
The train cables make noises like jangly
picking above the nut,
Volume switches swelling the static,
Take a train, take a train for good 'ole what's his name.
It's too cold to feel the moisture between your legs.
Too banal to be discreet with this.
A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for
super sonic booms.
They bury their faces in Nylon magazines,
Wrap oversized headphones around their ears,
Nip at a flask,
Hands down the pants,
Dribble down the chins,
Greasy hair plastered against forheads with sweat,
A wet mess sticking jeans to skin:
You're a difficult girl to look at when there's no other distraction
For slavering doggish men.
Poor advice.
#2
It would help to have breaks into stanzas. Imagery is very nice... I particularly liked
Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the
pain of an aching tooth

and
A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for
super sonic booms



Enjoyed.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
I normally don't particularly like breaking my writing up into stanzas unless they're very long, and then they're more like paragraphs than stanzas.

But thank you.
Poor advice.
#4
I read through it again and I can see where you're coming from. Everyone has their own style, heh; it doesn't take away from your piece at all.
Forgot to mention, I really really like the last image of the men drinking coffee; you worded it so well.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Damm you, i was hoping i would hate this, so i could say the same thing you said to boredness, But i don't..It's good, and youve ruined my plan for justice.

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."