#1
Abandoned snail shells and fag ends
in the mini-crater at the bus stop.
I thought they were stones
demonstrably they're not:

A dozen or so strewn like victims,
picked off by the journey like pilgrims.
Because you failed I thought you were just
empty shells, trailing your dreams behind you.

I gave it a stamp with my big boots
and the hairline fracture split
under my unfair pressure.
The ichor oozed out
and i'm sorry you're just slug-without now
for i've taken your shell away.


C4C
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#2
heh, you said "fag".
(yes i know it's a british word for cigarette but still)
also, blackdot.
#3
Your poems are so refreshing. I want to be in your head.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I friggin love your ability to turn anything into a poem

Seriously, this is about snail shells in an ashtray ?
That's so original, it actually takes a minute or two for the idea to sink in
I'm not being sarcastic here either, I'm honestly very impressed

Anyways, for some crit.... :
i can't tell if some of the words you picked out were more culturally common where you're from, (I think I read something about you being swedish ? ) but it seems a bit confusing to me, i.e.
fag = cigarette
mini-crater = ashtray
ichor = bodily fluid of some sort (this one's probably more on my part, poor vocabulary)
though, like I said, it may just be me that's unfamiliar with words like these

at the end of the first stanza "demonstrably" doesn't really seem to flow, too big of a word

"Because you failed I thought you were just
empty shells, trailing your dreams behind you."
pure gold

The whole last stanza doesn't really flow on, when I was reading it, I had to keep looking back n re-read all the lines

All in all, I liked it