#1
I went to sleep for eight years once,
and when I woke up I was the same.
The same face,
the same fair skin, the same weight and the
same charming stare.
My brother was married and had a child
Her name was Allegra and she had auburn hair.
My friends were now living with their spouses,
decorating their apartments, naming their pets,
and planning their weeks around their work schedule.
I walked around the places I knew,
and the people I'd met, and they all saw me
as a passing and unfamiliar old friend, someone
they were close with, but had just
disappeared one day.

I'd read my e-mail, and the girl that I loved
so much before I slept and had loved me,
was so angry that I abandoned her.
"I want cocks in my mouth and vagina."
Repeated hundreds and hundreds
of times in her e-mails. All dating back to _____ years ago.
I was never more hurt, than reading those words, every single
one over and over.

i woke up in a cold sweat, and
i had no one to call. no one to say
it'll be alright. i wasn't sure if
i was still dreaming. but i wished.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 1, 2009,
#2
How long have we been posting here, Matt?
Over five years?
Yes, I think it's been that long.

I've read great great stuff from you in that time period, but given everything I know about your pieces over the last few months and knowing the situations and people that inspired them, this might be the first time you broke my fucking heart, you bastard.

Probably one of the best I've read from you.
Poor advice.
#3
Chilling.

I went to sleep for eight years once,
and when I woke up I was the same.
The same face,
the same fair skin, the same weight and the
same charming stare.
My brother was married, and had a child
irritating/unnecessary comma
Her name was Allegra and she had auburn hair.
My friends were now living with their spouses,
decorating their apartments, naming their pets,
and planning their weeks around their work schedule.
I walked around the places I knew,
and the people I'd met, and they all saw me
as a passing and unfamiliar old friend, someone
they were close with, but had disappeared one day.

I'd read my e-mail, and the girl that I loved
so much before I slept, was so angry that
I abandoned her. "I want cocks in my mouth
and vagina." Repeated hundreds and hundreds
of times in her e-mails. All dating back to three years ago.
I was never more hurt, than reading those words, every single
one over and over.

Maybe make the timeline more clear, if it matters, 3 years, haven't you been asleep for 8?

i woke up in a cold sweat, and
i had no one to call. no one to say
it'll be alright. i wasn't sure if
i was still dreaming. i wished.

Yeah I thought this was really good but you could trim a lot out the first stanza.

specifically 'My brother was married, and had a child
Her name was Allegra and she had auburn hair.
My friends were now living with their spouses,
decorating their apartments, naming their pets,'

this bit, you don't need all of that
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
Quote by Something_Vague
I went to sleep for eight years once,
and when I woke up I was the same.
The same face,
the same fair skin, the same weight and the
same charming stare.
It's a good beginning, but it drags just a bit too long I think
My brother was married and had a child
Her name was Allegra and she had auburn hair.
My friends were now living with their spouses,
decorating their apartments, naming their pets,
and planning their weeks around their work schedule.
I would agree that this is too long. It's good and important enough to stay, but it goes on and on, you know ?
I walked around the places I knew,
and the people I'd met, and they all saw me
as a passing and unfamiliar old friend, someone
they were close with, but had just
disappeared one day.
You lost a bit of power here, the choice of words just seems a little meaningless here

I'd read my e-mail, and the girl that I loved
so much before I slept and had loved me,
was so angry that I abandoned her.
More dragging on issues
"I want cocks in my mouth and vagina."
Perhaps a little too blunt here, though that's really just your taste versus mine, so it's not a big deal
Repeated hundreds and hundreds
of times in her e-mails. All dating back to _____ years ago.
I was never more hurt, than reading those words, every single
one over and over.
Good stuff here

i woke up in a cold sweat, and
i had no one to call. no one to say
it'll be alright. i wasn't sure if
i was still dreaming. but i wished.
The ending here is beautiful, I couldn't even begin to tell how to improve here, it's that good


Very good stuff, I liked it a lot
#9
and the people I'd met doesn't make sense running on from the phrase beforehand.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
First two lines/last two lines - absolute gold. Pure, diamond encrusted, mouth-watering cake.

Unfortunately, I thought this was poor:
I'd read my e-mail, and the girl that I loved
so much before I slept and had loved me,
was so angry that I abandoned her."
#11
Quote by AngryGoldfish
First two lines/last two lines - absolute gold. Pure, diamond encrusted, mouth-watering cake.

+1

in the blank...maybe fill the words "six or seven," and add a short intro before "i want cocks in my mouth and vagina." far too quick in my opinion, came out of nowhere. Wouldn't be a problem, except for the bluntness and vulgarity (<--for lack of a better word) kills a bit of the interest without something to lead into it. maybe something like this:

"hey, i miss you" turns into
"where the hell are you?" turns into
"i want cocks in my mouth and vagina,"
...

well, that's sort of generic bullshit, but something to work from, i guess

oh, and whoever had said something about dragging issues on, i agree with that somewhat.

i did like the piece, however. especially the last four lines, and the first two (as noted above with the quote).

---excuse me for editing this ad nauseam. i have comments that i save, and then go back, and find another thing to add.
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 2, 2009,
#12
I love you, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
wow, simply incredible. the only thing that seems iffy to me is the title, sure its appropiate but almost to much so. Its just that I started reading this knowing it was a dream and so the end wasnt so WHAM!!! just a BAM! but still I really loved this, excellent.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.
#18
Congratulations. I love this... a lot... like this is one of my favourite pieces on UG... like... EVER... like
#22
This is really powerfull and shocking in my oppinion:

"I want cocks in my mouth and vagina."
Perhaps a little too blunt here, though that's really just your taste versus mine, so it's not a big deal
Repeated hundreds and hundreds
of times in her e-mails. All dating back to _____ years ago.
I was never more hurt, than reading those words, every single
one over and over.


I like it