#1
Well, my first real lyric, and it sucks at some points I think.
It`s not about all the cruel things in the world, a pretty easy song with easy lyrics so. (Song is 120 BPM and starts with E7#9 in a funky rythm) It has an intro solo and a solo after the 2nd chorus, after that solo there`s an instrumental bridge wich leads into the 3rd verse.

[verse 1]
You say I don’t own you, anything at all
But baby I’ll come, whenever you call
I don’t need a kiss or reward
Just a little place, in your heart

[chorus]
When you’re about to fall, in a giant mess,
Call me and I’ll remove the stress
And when something fell that you can’t mend,
Call me, I will be your helping hand

[verse 2]
Don’t let sadness take over you
Many problems? I’m here to the rescue
Keep breathing as long as you can
Enjoy the new days again and again

[chorus]

[couplet 3]
Some days are tough, but you’ll always survive
But don’t get lazy, cause you only have this life
Seize the day, take out of it what it has
Be yourself and live as good as it gets

That last line, it isn`t correct is it. My English isn`t the best, if you can advise me another sentence that will suit in I`ll adapt the others to it.

Please, ANY constructive critism, if it rocks or sucks please tell me why and wich part(s).
Last edited by MaXiMuse at Mar 3, 2009,
#2
Most of the changes I will suggest are merely word-based, but there are some lines that I am having trouble with.

Verse 1
Line 1: Don't know about the word "own," I think maybe you meant the word "owe?" If that is the case, then you also don't the comma at the end of that word as well, so it will read like this:
"You say i don't owe you anything at all"
Line 4: you don't need the comma at the end of 'place.'

Chorus
hmmm...you may want to rework the chorus a bit. I understand the idea, but I don't believe that you are stating that idea to its full potential. The second and fourth lines are good, but the first and third lines are shaky at best, and you may have to change words in the 2nd and 4th lines to reflect different rhymes in the 1st and 3rd lines.

Verse 2
Line 1: change the word take to the word fall, otherwise this line is OK.
Line 2: Perhaps rewrite the line as "Whatever the problem, I'll come to the rescue." As it stands now, I think the flow gets interrupted a bit by the question mark in the middle of the line, something that the comma will fix.
Lines 3 and 4 are good as they are, I believe.

Verse 3
I cannot see anything to change other than to the last line:

My suggestion for the last line is to remove the words "and live," and put a semicolon at the end of "be yourself," and then put the words "this is" between the semicolon and "as good,"so that it reads:

"Be yourself; this is as good as it gets."

My theory behind this is that, you already say to seize the day in the previous line, so you have already essentially said live life to the fullest, so you don't need to reiterate the word live in the last line.


As a Whole: It's a good set of lyrics, But i don't know about the choice of music style to go along with it, as you list Blues-Rock. I am interested to see how this set of lyrics combine with the style of music you have chosen.

Links in sig, pick one if you are interested



-DTH
#3
[verse 1]
You say I don’t own you, anything at all
But baby I’ll come, whenever you call
(you talk about you owning her, but it sounds like its the other way around in the second line)

I don’t need a kiss or reward
Just a little place, in your heart
(if you reword this just a little then I think that it could add upon the funkiness you are working for)


[chorus]
When you’re about to fall, in a giant mess,
Call me and I’ll remove the stress
And when something fell that you can’t mend, <--(reword this)
Call me, I will be your helping hand

[verse 2]
Don’t let sadness take over you
Many problems? I’m here to the rescue
Keep breathing as long as you can
Enjoy the new days again and again

[chorus]

[couplet 3]
Some days are tough, but you’ll always survive
But don’t get lazy, cause you only have this life
Seize the day, take out of it what it has
Be yourself and live as good as it gets

(out of the three this last verse is my least favorite. you've used a lot of cliches in a short period of time, that can really drag a song down)

I like the fact that you are working with a funky rhythm and the lyrics are really appropriate for the type of music you are going for.