#1
Needles glint under the lights,
liquid drugs seeping from their heads like sweat.
But what the hell are they sweating for?
They’ve got no reason to be nervous.
And why are they in my room?
I don’t need an audience.
I would rather be alone.

The doctor said the straitjacket was for my own good.
Apparently my thoughts were too violent
for them to consider me ‘sane.’
Apparently, the fact that I didn’t know I was hurting people
makes me a horrible enough person to be here with all the other crazy people.
I’m not crazy, just a little unstable.
People are only sane if they can control their thoughts.
And I can’t.
That doesn’t make me a horrible person, does it?
It doesn’t matter.
They lied to me.
The straitjacket is for their good, not mine.
I don’t need a straitjacket or chains or anything to keep me from lashing out.
I can control my emotion easy enough.

I wonder if there is such a thing as pseudo-masochism.
I like to inflict pain in myself with thoughts of how miserable I have become.
I like to point out my shortcomings and flaws
more than what is good about me.
I get a rush from that.
Maybe that’s why they call me insane,
because I think about things to hurt myself.

The doctor says there’s Novocaine in those needles,
sweating out from their heads.
I guess that’s supposed to help me stop being a masochist,
but why would they give me a numbing agent
for a pain that isn’t physical?
They lied again.
Those bastards. I’ll show them.

Hey, just my luck,
here comes the doctor now to tell me
the same bullshit I’ve heard 45 times already:
“Just a few more days of evaluation and you’ll be free to go.”
Yeah, right, fuck you, you idiot.
how about a swift kick to your face, you lying bastard.
Oh, OH, you wanna grab one of those needles now, do you?
Get the hell off of me.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know what I’ve been through.
And don’t you stick me with that fucking needle.
Ow, you bastard, I’ll kill you for that!
I’m going to get you!
Get back here, don’t you run away from me!
…Hey, I feel pretty lazy right now.
I changed my mind.
I think I’ll just take a nap instead.
I’ll get you later.


A note about this one:

I used to belong to a writer's group at a tech school, and during one of the meetings we were asked to write something based on the word injection. this is what came of it. there was general laughter at some points when it was read aloud, but i don't remember any specific comments on it.

Also, i had forgotten about this one, it is old, but it has not been posted anywhere else, so i consider it a fledgling still.

any, and i repeat, ANY ideas on how to make it better are greatly appreciated.

Will c4c.

#2
I really liked this,
you did a good job at hiding and showing the insanity at the same time,
especially good for helping the reader know what it's like to feel crazy

The third stanza, however, doesn't really seem to fit in,
I see where you were going with it, but it just breaks away from the imagery you've got going throughout the rest of it
The last stanza, was golden....
The first-person-angry pov is a pretty hard one to put in words, but you pulled it off and I'm very impressed....
As for the rest, it's good, but not great like the rest,
maybe just a bit of touching up

ps, thanks for the honest crit on mine,
stuff like that's what I really need to hear,
not stuff like, "It was great" or "I loved it",
stuff like that all goes to my head
#3
Hmmm...That's actually a good point, there really isn't a lot of imagery in the third stanza. When I get home I'll take a look at how that one can be improved or maybe chopped altogether and replaced with something else.

Also, I just noticed about Novocaine being in the needles, and the fact that the protagonist falls asleep at the end, which would not follow the description of Novocaine, but then, the last stanza says that the doctor is a liar, so I guess that still fits anyway.

Thanks for stopping by.
#4
Needles glint under the lights,

That`s an amazing opening line. It sets the idea and the feeling for the rest.

Apparently, the fact that I didn’t know I was hurting people

I don`t think that line is really strong, the whole part after that is fine. If you can say this with other words it would be better i think.

I like to inflict pain in myself with thoughts of how miserable I have become
because I think about things to hurt myself.

That`s really depressing, gives the whole poem a dark feeling. Make it more neutral by changing it. Keep it different (in a not negative way) by keeping it.

The whole last part is less then the rest. I know what you mean and the idea is good. But by saying it this way you don`t keep it to his thoughts. When you read the lines 'f uck it' and the lines after that you see him screaming at the doctor. The last part are his thoughts. And that`s the idea of it isn`t.

Oh, OH, you wanna grab one of those needles now, do you?
Get the hell off of me.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know what I’ve been through.
And don’t you stick me with that ****ing needle.
Ow, you bastard, I’ll kill you for that!

Change you into him, then it`ll sound less like a conversational way. And the '****ing' before needle isn`t so powerful. If you can change this into something else it might be better.

These were my corrections, it are little changes and might help it a bit.
I really liked that it`s an original idea. And it are only his point of view.
Keep up the good work!
#5
I wonder whether you've listened to any Nick Cave (or better yet read his books - King Ink and And The Ass Saw the Angel) or other murder balladeers? You might benefit from including addiction or needle envy imagery in this piece, and junkie lit is a good place to go for that kind of thing... Check out Iggy Pop's "Turn Blue" for drug-induced psychotic monologue. Another pleasantly hallucinogenic source for the Psychotic's Internal Monologue sort of work is Tool's "Rosetta Stoned," which has a terrible title revealing none of its anguished rage at having lost grip on a drug-induced revelation.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

peace
#6
To MaXiMuse:

Duly noted with the strange line and depressing nature of lines in the third stanza. i was contemplating removing that stanza completely, or chopping it up and replace discarded lines with better ones, haven't made a decision yet.

On the other hand, the last stanza is supposed to be conversational, but not out loud, none of those lines are. Changing the tense from 2nd to 3rd person would lose the inner monologue effect, which i feel is central to the last stanza. And also, if those lines were meant to be out loud, i would have used quotation marks around them to designate so.

in regards to the use of fucking to describe the needle, i sort of feel that it is necessary to keep it for the force of the anger, but if you or someone could suggest a better word to replace that, then i am willing to weigh options.

To Nilchii:
No, i haven't actually read or heard any of those.

i am not sure what you mean exactly by referencing these ideas, do you mean that i didn't capture the idea correctly or what?
Last edited by Duct Tape Hero at Mar 3, 2009,
#7
Quote by Duct Tape Hero
Needles glint under the lights,
liquid drugs seeping from their heads like sweat.
I didn't like the word 'liquid', I think you should leave room for some ambiguity.
But what the hell are they sweating for?
They’ve got no reason to be nervous.
And why are they in my room?
I don’t need an audience.
I would rather be alone.
Decent start. The last few lines makes the reader want to know what's going on, and thus makes us interested, which is important.

The doctor said the straitjacket was for my own good.
Apparently my thoughts were too violent
for them to consider me ‘sane.’
Apparently, the fact that I didn’t know I was hurting people
The repetition of 'apparently' worked quite well.
makes me a horrible enough person to be here with all the other crazy people.
I’m not crazy, just a little unstable.
People are only sane if they can control their thoughts.
And I can’t.
That doesn’t make me a horrible person, does it?
It doesn’t matter.
They lied to me.
The straitjacket is for their good, not mine.
I don’t need a straitjacket or chains or anything to keep me from lashing out.
I can control my emotion easy enough.
So far, this is good, but is lacking a bit of imagery. At the moment, it reads like somebody's thoughts, or a monologue; there are no descriptions or metaphors, which I think would make this better.

I wonder if there is such a thing as pseudo-masochism.
I like to inflict pain in myself with thoughts of how miserable I have become.
I like to point out my shortcomings and flaws
more than what is good about me.
I get a rush from that.
Maybe that’s why they call me insane,
because I think about things to hurt myself.
I can't really say much, other than what I said at the end of the previous stanza. I must admit, this stanza didn't do much for me at all. It's just there.

The doctor says there’s Novocaine in those needles,
sweating out from their heads.
I guess that’s supposed to help me stop being a masochist,
but why would they give me a numbing agent
for a pain that isn’t physical?
They lied again.
Those bastards. I’ll show them.
This stanza was good, other than the very last line. It made it seem quite childish and pathetic (although perhaps that's what you're going for).

Hey, just my luck,
here comes the doctor now to tell me
the same bullshit I’ve heard 45 times already:
“Just a few more days of evaluation and you’ll be free to go.”
Yeah, right, fuck you, you idiot.
how about a swift kick to your face, you lying bastard.
Again, this reads quite childish.
Oh, OH, you wanna grab one of those needles now, do you?
Get the hell off of me.
You don’t know me.
You don’t know what I’ve been through.
This was decent.
And don’t you stick me with that fucking needle.
Ow, you bastard, I’ll kill you for that!
I’m going to get you!
Get back here, don’t you run away from me!
…Hey, I feel pretty lazy right now.
I changed my mind.
I think I’ll just take a nap instead.
I’ll get you later.
Ending was awesome! Made me laugh, haha. I must admit, that this wasn't as great as the other poem of yours I've read. It doesn't have those metaphors, the descriptions, the romance, the flow... I know that the subject isn't exactly romantic, but this just read like a monlogue, so I'd try to add more of said metaphors and descriptions. But it's a good start or outline, however you want to call it, to build upon, there's no doubt about that!



C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1080011

#8
I felt like you didn't capture psychosis. Dude sounds really angry, not really crazy.

peace
#9
yeah, except i have heard before that the crazy people are the ones who don't think they're crazy, so i tried to emulate that at least in stanza 2. but you're right, i think. there is a lot missing here.