#1
a little short lyric bout alchohol. I'll crit back, enjoy

the drink consumes him, it's his shadow,
tragically, he sleeps on the kitchen table,
drunk as ****, all he can say is aaahhhhh.
born sober, die drunk, it's the anarchy way,
but wait, he's not an anarchist, he's the hard-working kind.
He's the nice and good guy that drinks to hide the sorrow.
the sorrow of he's economy, he's poor, he's broke, he's bankrupt.
the drink never helps, it just hides it.
playing hide n' seek with destiny, my bets are on destiny.

Three identified killers,
Three reliable witnesses.
Three identified killers,
Jim beam, cognac and Budweiser.

Like a vampire praying for the sun,
he pours another glass of poison.
He's the fire, it's the water,
eternal flame vanished.
Liver banished.
Russian roulette with five loaded chambers.
#6
good work.. at the beginning i was suspecting the main character is an alcoholic but it came to my surprise he's just hiding the pain and the reason why he feels that way.. many people do hide the sorrows that way.. it's sad. i like how you name the three drinks at killers, you have some unique metaphors here like the "vampire" one it makes up for the little overused poison reference.. overall this is a good song.. looking forward to reading more.
#8
Quote by Erlendhagen3
a little short lyric bout alchohol. I'll crit back, enjoy

the drink consumes him, it's his shadow,
tragically, he sleeps on the kitchen table,
drunk as ****, all he can say is aaahhhhh.
born sober, die drunk, it's the anarchy way,
but wait, he's not an anarchist, he's the hard-working kind.
He's the nice and good guy that drinks to hide the sorrow.
the sorrow of he's economy, he's poor, he's broke, he's bankrupt.
the drink never helps, it just hides it.
playing hide n' seek with destiny, my bets are on destiny.

Three identified killers,
Three reliable witnesses.
Three identified killers,
Jim beam, cognac and Budweiser.

Like a vampire praying for the sun,
he pours another glass of poison.
He's the fire, it's the water,
eternal flame vanished.
Liver banished.
Russian roulette with five loaded chambers.


I like the subject and the way it ended. Im not sure if im feeling the five loaded chambers bit but it ties with the ending of the first stanza when you were talking about betting on destiny. On the first stanza, did you mean "his economy" because that line confused me a little. On the second Stanza I dont think the repetition of three identified killers is necessary but if that's the chorus of the song im pretty sure it plays out well with the music that it comes with. On the third stanza, I dont know if you were trying to rhyme sun with poison but it's not working out well with the flow of the piece but that's just my opinion. Overall it's a good piece. Some minor changes here and there can make the piece a little better. Ciaoo