#1
c4c thanks.


Well she said "I don't Know,
I'm just waiting on a feeling.
I know you'll do what I ask
but will you do it, if I don't?
I want you to do things on your own,
You know?"

And with a BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
Duty called, so we said our goodbyes
hung up, and deserted each other,
like the separation of two people
both abandoned, in a landless sea.

and with my time I thought;
You never asked to be wrapped
like warmth covers the sun,
with hand crafted safety blankets
woven with my heart and soul,
and you never told me to sit still
under the broken street lights
incase your stunning, chiseled dream
was just a man, painted onto stone.
You never told me to save myself
atop your dusty back row shelf
for when you ran dry of everyone else,
and I can’t recall you ever asking
if I'll forever hold my shoulder
under the mountain of boulders
that you continue to build over.

Though I'll always remember your wave
as you fell off of the horizon
with your hand inside another,
as I kicked up sand and water
paddling through wave after wave
and passing by pearl after pearl
only to find the finish ribbon
ripped in half and littered with
a thousand different foot prints,
and still have strength enough
without a sound of reason,
to carry you back.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.
Last edited by RiddleStinch at Mar 9, 2009,
#2
Could use a few touch-ups (hated the sun part, I'm sure there are better similes out there) but this was a touching read at heart. Really enjoyed it.

EDIT: I'll be back later to work this over more.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Mar 3, 2009,
#3
It`s a poem isn`t it?

The idea and introduction is good, original wich I really like

like warmth wraps up the sun

The metaphor is good, but if you change the order it maybe would sound better. Unfortunately you can`t really cause it wouldn`t make much sense. Maybe a little change in that part.

in case your charming dream of choice
were to be sung in a different voice
Really good! This sounds deep, but it isn`t marihuana-deep. That`s when only you get it, or it`s so strange and vague that no one get`s it. You used metaphors in a good way.

atop your dusty back row shelf,
Does it mean that you are unimportant for her?

The ribbon with thousand foot prints on it.
Is that like it`s a race, and that`s the finishing line? I don`t think that`s a really strong sentence, but I get the idea and that`s really good.

The piece between:

if I'll forever hold my shoulder
under the mountains of boulders
...
to carry you back, upon my back

Has my doubts.

But the last two sentences totally made it up. The best of this whole thing is that it ends with those lines. You read them and it ends instantly. Because it gives a contrast, the sad story has a happy end, you know?

Could you help me with (the grammar of) my song? (in my sig) Would be greatly appreciated...
#4
You already know how I feel about it so don't worry when I leave out all of the positives in this critique; it's a good piece.

Quote by RiddleStinch

well she said "I don't Know,
I'm just waiting on a feeling.
I know you'll do what I ask
but will you do it, if I don't?
I want you to do things on your own,
You know?"

Crowded, needs something tangible to grab onto between the dialog.

and so I started to think;
well you never asked to be wrapped
inside my ever growing love
like warmth wraps up the sun
This part is quite cliche.
and you never told me to sit still
under the broken street lights
in case your charming dream of choice
were to be sung in a different voice
I don't go to singing right away when I think of dreams, so this was an odd way to state it. Also 'charming' seemed lazily thrown in for the syllable count. Work on beefing up your imagery with solid, meaningful words.
and you never told me to save myself
atop your dusty back row shelf
for when you ran out of everyone else,
and I cant recall you ever asking
if I'll forever hold my shoulder
under the mountains of boulders
you’ll always be building upon,
A little punctuation would go a long way here. It's beginning to get a little jumbled from line to line. I'm not a stickler for grammar but throw in a period here or there and some mid-line punctuation and this will be a mighty bit easier to follow along with.
but I'll always remember your wave
as you fell off of the horizon
with your hand inside another,
This is more like the imagery I'd hope to get throughout the piece.
as I kicked up sand and water
paddling through wave after wave
and passing by pearl after pearl
only to find the finish ribbon
ripped in half and littered with
a thousand different foot prints
and still have strength enough
to carry you back, upon my back.
Great metaphor. Lose the last half of this last line though; "to carry you back" by itself is much more solid an ending.


There's a few things to consider, looking forward to seeing more of your writing around here.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
I want to find time to give this a proper read. PM me if i haven't got back to you by friday
#6
made some edits and reposted. Your words are appreciated. Infact I was surprised to see a billyjson, not only read this but verbalize your thoughts on it. I want to say I love your work but im afraid it wont love me back, ha. anyway thanks again, will return crits best I can.
Outside the side box that's outside your sky box.