#1
This is a song I just wrote. I'll try to post a recording later on.

A farm boy from desert sun
Went riding on the morning
Didn't have a horse
The morning had to do

A letter a message
And his girl adoring
Carried far away from home
And always missing you

It's not like fairy tales
It's so much better
Did you get my letter
I wrote it just for you
It's written in blue bells
And fallen feathers
The princess never
Had a thing on you

I miss my sidekick's
Easy wit and banter
Every mile was like a yard
Or maybe two

Good in a fight
And keeping a steady canter
When you're riding the morning
It's not so easy to do

It's not like fairy tales
It's so much better
Did you get my letter
I wrote it just for you
It's written in blue bells
And fallen feathers
The princess never
Had a thing on you
#3
^agreed

Good concept, riding the morning in place of a horse. Give me the impression that the boy stays in the same moment, at least temporarily (at least, that's how I interpret it).

I would like to hear the recording, so I'll return later tonight if you can get it posted

#4
It's on my profile. There are some performance issues, mostly due to the fact that I was under time constraints, getting it recorded. I may fix them and upload another version later.

peace
#5
I read it completely differently to the way you played it. I really love it though the chorus is fantastic.
Member of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join

Quote by bass-boy-garith
well done mr. kiss my bass, well done
#6
Well it sounded just like i expected it to. As for the writing, it's cliched in places and some of the rhymes are contrite in places, but I didn't really care. You've created a really catchy song and I love the metaphor you focus on of riding the morning. Reading that made me smile.
#7
My rhymes may be hackneyed, but they're hardly apologetic.

I think there's pretty wide confusion over the difference between writing lyrics and writing poetry. I am a poor poet, and the jury is of course out on my songwriting. But songs don't have the rigorous requirements that poetry does.

If you look at songs that make it big (say, using the Rolling Stone top 500 of all time as a metric), they all have a hook. Sometimes the hook is a catchy (yet hackneyed) rhyme scheme: "Every Breath You Take," by The Police. In a pop song, a moon/June rhyme scheme can actually be a good thing. A. A. Milne and Ogden Nash wrote utter doggerel, from that perspective, but how many people can recite a Winnie-the-Pooh hum from memory vs. how many can recite Sylvia Plath?

A hook can be a catchy instrumental melody. The Temptations' "My Girl" is entirely iconic and instantly memorable, all because of an incredibly simple guitar lick. A vocal melody can be as good a hook. The Beatles are brilliant at this. "Norwegian Wood" is equally iconic to "My Girl," and the song is deeply, deeply stupid. I mean, seriously.

It's true that a surprising image can totally make a song. The song itself is a cliché at this point, but if all the stores in heaven are closed, the woman with sure and certain knowledge that "with a word, she can get what she came for" is pretty good, really.

There are other kinds of hooks, I'm sure (the rhythmic intro to "Sympathy for the Devil," for example), but my point is that it's actually an astonishingly rare juggling act to hook them all together. There's a reason that the #1 song on Rolling Stone's top 500 is "Like a Rolling Stone." Right, because Dylan cleverly used the name of the magazine in his song title.

No, wait. It's actually because the entire song is iconic hookery, all 'round. It's a good poem, too, but my point is that a good song doesn't have to be a good poem, but it does have to have hooks.

I'm out.

peace
#8
in places, the flow is a weeny bit off. Although, that doesn't matter as much in a song. This was not bad. With some lighter, pop-ish music behind it I would listen to it a couple of times. Nothing here that made me think or get interested, though. The image of riding of the morning didn't stay with me. BTW: I think the word kyle was looking for was "trite".
#9
Yeah, "hackneyed," as opposed to "apologetic."

At any rate, thanks to everyone for the feedback, which I neglected to mention in my screed, up there...

peace
#11
I think the word I was actually looking for was contrived and I'm sorry if it came off as an insult, i was actually saying that it worked in your favour.
#12
Quote by Nilchii

A farm boy from desert sun
Went riding on the morning
Didn't have a horse
The morning had to do
I didn't like the attempted humour here.

A letter a message
And his girl adoring
Carried far away from home
And always missing you
This doesn't really make much sense, you've put the words in a particular order for the sake of flow and then the rest of the ideas are jumbled all around it

It's not like fairy tales
It's so much better
Did you get my letter
I wrote it just for you
It's written in blue bells
the blue rhyme is a tad more obvious than I'd have liked it to be; you could have been cleverer with winding it in to the rest of the idea, however, it's not a massive problem
And fallen feathers
The princess never
Had a thing on you
on? Might be colloquial, but I think it's a strange way of phrasing this.
I really like parts of the rhyme scheme and layout of ideas here, I feel that if it was edited just to make the images more vivid and the language more universal, it would be far more effective


I miss my sidekick's
Easy wit and banter
Every mile was like a yard
Or maybe two
didn't like the thrown-in feel of the last line here at all

Good in a fight
And keeping a steady canter
When you're riding the morning
It's not so easy to do
the word order is still bugging me a bit, because there are parts where you don't do it, and they're of a much higher (I feel) overall writing quality, so these parts are made to feel very forced

It's not like fairy tales
It's so much better
Did you get my letter
I wrote it just for you
It's written in blue bells
And fallen feathers
The princess never
Had a thing on you
This is very much my favourite part. I think that if the tone of this and its imagery was carried on thorughout the rest, this could be wonderful.


Thoughts on the recording: I think this could sound much more at home as a folk-rock-singer-songwriter thing with some country thrown in. Josh Ritter style. It fell between a bit gimicky without reasoning to be and serious. The guitar playing was very good, by the way.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Thanks for the thoughts. "Never had a thing on you" is a colloquialism meaning, essentially, "she meant nothing to me, baby," or "you're the only one for me," or maybe a little bit of both.

Anyway, I hear what you're saying about the poetry. A fair amount of the time, my songs come melody first, words later, and this is no exception. Thanks for the props on the guitar playing. It's what I do instead of watching television

peace
#14
my understanding of the phrase never had a thing on you to mean that none of the princess's qualities match the other girls
Member of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join

Quote by bass-boy-garith
well done mr. kiss my bass, well done