#1
'The streetlight flickered different shades of yellow,
From a distance I heard a car horn bellow,
And as I walked under the light a cold voice said,
from behind me 'Don't move or I'll shoot you dead"

‘He said don't move an inch I've got a gun at your back,
I said "Don't worry Sir I wasn't gonna do that",
He said to me "Son don't be smart or I'll teach you a lesson",
Then I turned round and kicked him and then ran - no messin'...’

*Chorus 1*
‘The night burst into life like the hot rising sun,
my life almost ended by a bullet from a gun,
And I don't like these escapades...
In the hot rising sun’

‘Left him in a daze and I was thinkin' in my head,
If I don't move quickly I could find myself dead.
Behind me I heard a shot ring out of the blue,
But from where it landed I knew he didn't have a clue.’

‘But believe you me, I didn't chance a look round.
Kept my eyes to the front and my feet on the ground,
I heard him say "Stop or believe me once again I'll shoot",
An' I said "Yeah, right I'm gonna listen to you”’

*Chorus 2*
‘The night burst into life like the hot rising sun,
my life almost ended by the bullet from a gun
and I don’t like these escapades…
in the hot rising sun’

‘And so the chase was on but it was no competition,
He was a chain smoker and he didn't have a mission,
I legged it on down the road an' then it all went quiet,
I had a lucky escape because he had no ammunition..’

'And so I managed to escape the dangerous situation,
I was properly shook up and just a little bit frustrated,
Because during the course of the entire escapade,
There were no cop cars and it didn’t start to rain,
Yanno like in the chase scenes of those Hollywood movies?,
I'm probably being pernickety or a little bit choosy,
All those crazy thoughts yeah they were probably nothing less
than me being shaken up an' suffering post-traumatic stress,
And it dawned on me then that I was extremely lucky
'Cus the events of the night they could have been a lot more mucky,
I collapsed into an armchair and I dreamt about that night
and how really lucky I was to escape with my life..'
Last edited by aidzo_og at Apr 6, 2009,
#2
Interesting concept. Sort of reminds me of the song "Gimme Three Steps" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, with the dialogue. There is a lot of complex rhyming in this, but i think you handled it well.

What are your plans for the music to complement these lyrics? It seems like you can pull off a fast pace with the length and number of syllables in each line.

Will stop in later to discuss, or shoot me a PM if you wish also.

links in sig, pick one if you're interested.



-DTH
#3
I really like it a lot of the rhymes are very clever
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#4
Nice! What sorta plans did you have for music as such?
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#5
Quote by matt92l
Nice! What sorta plans did you have for music as such?

ehm... well as you know :P i have no musical abilities so far but when I do which will hopefully be soon I'm gonna put a few chords together and maybe work out a tune to fit the Sick rhymes haha
#6
Firts of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the concept of this piece. I love it when songs tell a story and this won told a very vivid one. Only problem I had was the lack of emotion. I just feel that you don't convey all the emotion the of the narrator. I mean, he almost got killed and everything he says seems too "matter-of-factly". Maybe I'm just nitpicking. This is a very good piece, (all the imagery and the flow as well)I just feel you can improve it a bit.
#7
Quote by themarsvolta
Firts of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the concept of this piece. I love it when songs tell a story and this won told a very vivid one. Only problem I had was the lack of emotion. I just feel that you don't convey all the emotion the of the narrator. I mean, he almost got killed and everything he says seems too "matter-of-factly". Maybe I'm just nitpicking. This is a very good piece, (all the imagery and the flow as well)I just feel you can improve it a bit.


Thanks for the opinion, I edited the last verse to show how emotion finally overwhelmed the character. But, I felt that if I made it too emotional during the course of the chase it would have taken away from the imagery, because I feel that in that situation you don't think about anything except your instinctive actions. But thanks I have made some changes
#8
Quote by aidzo_og
'The streetlight flickered different shades of yellow,
From a distance I heard a car horn bellow,
And as I walked under the light a cold voice said,
from behind me 'Don't move or I'll shoot you dead"
I like your verse here, I don't think anything needs to be changed and it is a nice start

‘He said don't move an inch I've got a gun at your back,
I said "Don't worry Sir I wasn't gonna do that",
He said to me "Son don't be smart I don't want your strife,
Then I turned round and kicked 'I’m and then ran for my life...’
Another good verse here

*Chorus 1*
‘The night burst into life like the hot rising sun,
my life almost ended by a bullet from a gun,
And I don't like these escapades...
In the hot rising sun’
I love the chorus alot.

‘Left him in a daze and I was thinkin' in my head,
If I don't move quickly I could find myself dead.
Behind me I heard a shot ring out of the blue,
But from where it landed I knew he didn't have a clue.’
This is a solid start to the chase

‘But believe you me, I didn't chance a look round.
Kept my eyes to the front and my feet on the ground,
I heard him say "Stop or believe me once again I'll shoot",
An' I said "Yeah, right I'm gonna listen to you”’
I think the last line of this can be changed. I feel it is a little...corny(?). Maybe if you said "An I thought to myself, ..." instead of "An' I said..." it would be more realistic.

*Chorus 2*
‘The night burst into life like the hot rising sun,
my life almost ended by the bullet from a gun
and I don’t like these escapades…
in the hot rising sun’

‘And so the chase was on but it was no competition,
He was a chain smoker and he didn't have a mission,
I legged it on down the road an' then it all went quiet,
I'd escaped because of luck because he'd no ammunition…’
I feel using "because" twice is too repetitive and ruins a great verse here. I would change it to something like, "I had a lucky escape because he had no ammunition..."

'And so I managed to escape the dangerous situation,
I was properly shook up and just a little bit frustrated,
Because during the course of the entire escapade,
There were no cop cars and it didn’t start to rain,
Yanno like in the chase scenes of those Hollywood movies?,
I'm probably being pernickety or a little bit choosy,
All those crazy thoughts yeah they were probably nothing less
than me being shaken up an' suffering post-traumatic stress,
And it dawned on me then that I was extremely lucky
'Cus the events of the night they could have been a lot more mucky,
I collapsed into an armchair and I dreamt about that night
and how really lucky I was to escape with my life..'
Rhyming scheme is awkward. It starts of ABCD and then continues on EEFFGGHH. The change here would be in the rhyming scheme certainly. I would say change 2 of the first 4 lines so they follow the pattern AABB.


Thanks for the crit on Freedom...

Overall, I like your story alot... I feel like you did a great job with putting a story into poetry. I have tried many times to write stories in songs and taken up a project myself to write 14 songs based off of 14 short stories by Stephen King...maybe you can crit some of them as I put them up.
Last edited by 21wickwing at Apr 2, 2009,
#9
Not sure about a car horn bellowing... but it's okay.
"I don't want your strife" I do not like this. It seems you could have put something better there but didn't because you needed rhyming.
Chorus 1's flow seems off.
It seems like some rhymes are forced... is this going to be a rap?
Anyway, interesting concept, not my cup of tea, but pretty good.
#10
Quote by mamosa
Not sure about a car horn bellowing... but it's okay.
"I don't want your strife" I do not like this. It seems you could have put something better there but didn't because you needed rhyming.
Chorus 1's flow seems off.
It seems like some rhymes are forced... is this going to be a rap?
Anyway, interesting concept, not my cup of tea, but pretty good.


Nope not a rap a high tempo acoustic guiatr/vocals song
You couldn't tell in print though i might put up a recording
#11
I liked the first two stanzas a lot

the rest, however, I felt dragged on, and the rhyming went from clever at first to boring later on
the chorus, sorry, but I hated it, there was just nothing catchy or clever enough to draw my attention

If you could get the entire thing to be as good as the first two stanzas, you'd be in great shape, so keep hacking away at it
#12
for a song, its decent. i like songs that tell a story, but as themarsvolta said, it felt as if the narrator held back emotion. i mean, if it was me the one that almost died, i will probably be a hell more descriptive with my feelings and shiz. you could try creating a scene so that the reader/listener feels as if he's there, take the reader somewhere. some of the rhymes also seem forced. it seems as if you caught up with following the rhyming scheme. theres nothing wrong with writing a song using rhymes, but writing a song around on rhymes sometimes gets annoying and feels forced or artificial or whatever. especially with such rigid scheme. try placing rhymes in the middle of a line, experiment with half-rhymes, consonance, asonance, idk. try reading the sticky at the top of the forum for other fun poetical devices. overall, as i said, i could see this in a song. i mean its nothing mindblowing or anything, but it tells an interesting story (even though i think you could make it even more interesting) and thats what you wanted. feel free to shoot me a pm if you ever get around recording this
also, i noticed you are somewhat new to the forum. we have a little newbie competition thing going on. if you are interested, click the link in my sig.

have a nice day
#13
Interesting concept. Sort of reminds me of the song "Gimme Three Steps" by Lynyrd Skynyrd, with the dialogue. There is a lot of complex rhyming in this, but i think you handled it well.

What are your plans for the music to complement these Lyrics ? It seems like you can pull off a fast pace with the length and number of syllables in each line.

Will stop in later to discuss, or shoot me a PM if you wish also.

links in sig, pick one if you're interested.



-DTH

thanx for the links!