#1
Hey, this is my first time posting here because these are the first lyrics I've ever written. Thanks for having a look and any critique is very welcome


You want the secret to eternal youth?
Well listen in ‘cause I got the truth
Buy what I’m sellin’ you won’t regret it
Don’t have the money? You can pay by credit

When will we learn?
When will you learn?
Set it alight
Let it burn, burn, burn

Live by the sword, you’ll die by the blade
Look at this f**ked up lil’ world that we’ve made
And now you’re crushed under mountains of debt
Fall outta the black and into the red

When will we learn?
When will you learn?
Set it alight
Let it burn, burn, burn

Well you pollute and you shoot your gun
Turn on your heels, you better run
I just pray that this s**t will be over
But there’s no luck, there's no four leaf clover

When will we learn?
When will you learn?
Set it alight
Let it burn, burn, burn

Now you’re beat, you can’t keep up with the Jones’s
You can’t sleep easy on that bed of roses
Pricked by thorns in-between the sheets
And in the morning it'll be a repeat

When will we learn?
When will you learn?
Set it alight
Let it burn, burn, burn
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Quote by bass-boy-garith
well done mr. kiss my bass, well done
#2
this is pretty sick man... i really love the "well you pollute...four leaf clover" part
PANTERA
Quote by KGB_INC
none. i've never had sex.
probably never will.

My Gear:
B.C Rich Warlock
32 year old antique yamaha accustic
Peavey Ovation
Peavey Millenium Bxp 5 string Bass
2000 Watt Peavey PA system
Line 6 Floor Pod
#5
Quote by Chessy360
nice lyrics, that could be big, real big,

maybe put a bridge in there? or a solo?

I'm working on a bridge now, the solo could be tough though, I'm primarily a bassist and I suck at soloing :P
Member of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join

Quote by bass-boy-garith
well done mr. kiss my bass, well done
#7
With the first verse, I noticed an odd but quirky tone that was surprising and intriguing. But then as time went on, and as I read more, I found that same voice disappearing, being replaced by a foul cheese... I'm sorry but this is very cheesy.
The dramatics of the vulgar language - deliberately cloaked with asterisks' - the over-the-top imagery of roses and swords, and the overtly basic and noticeable clichéd song structure made this an uninteresting and repetitious read.
Your choice of words didn't help create any sort of feeling apart from fake angst. The imagery you used was not inspirational in any sense of the word and helped bracket this along side other songs that have the exact same theme and terminology.
Sorry for being so harsh but there is very little for me to crit without saying it's corny and over-used. Really think hard about what you are writing and aim for non-crummy-ness.

Thanks for getting to mine, mate.
#9
Im playing those lyrics over in my head to the tune of a heavy BLS-ish/Machine Head sound. It sounds pretty ****ing good! Awesome job, very very good.
#10
this is a pretty awesome song.. what's more awesome is that it's your first lyrics.. i enjoyed many lines.. including "Live by the sword, you’ll die by the blade
Look at this f**ked up lil’ world that we’ve made" nice work.
#11
good lyrics, except from the "let it burn, burn, burn" part... that sucked.

But overall... ******* awsome!
#12
pretty awesome. i am kinda listening to it in my head. It would be sweet if the first part was like distorted and yelled while some sweet riffage is in the background. then it goes like singing and kinda chill for the chorus. then the verses are fast and screamed. if it goes like that then it is sweet
#13
Damn, really good dude. like... REALLY good. Great for a first time.

Keep 'em coming!
#14
I love it.
'You can’t sleep easy on that bed of roses.' - that's really good.
#15
Very nice punk song. I think AngryGoldfish is applying the standards of poetry to songwriting, which is an easy trap to fall into, especially in this hyar* forum.

Have you got a recording of the song? I've always had difficulty playing bass and singing at the same time (which is ultimately why I started playing guitar...), but there are musicians who master the trick (Sting, of The Police; Sean Roberts, of .30-06; the late, lamented Mark Sandman, of Morphine) and do quite well with it. I suspect it's a matter of practice, as much as anything, and I just never practiced it enough

Anyway, I appreciated the ROCK of it all. I think it would have to rock - it's not meant to be a contemplative, quietly strummy, acoustic number, is it?

peace

* For those of you not familiar with southern American accents, this is how some folks say "here," when they're being folksy.