#1
she liked it deep.

apparently alot of things not worth mentioning
worked their way right into our souls, so
she told me to dive deeper.

i found a skull and closed eyes resting upon the uplift of an index finger and thumb.
i found images of deep thought and passage with no destination;
deeper.
i found busy people unknowingly searching for their hearts.
i found a bar and drank till i saw God;
deeper.
i found a phone to call her for one last chance.
i found a memory for all of my mistakes;
deeper.

i visited the dead and found some goddamned peace
but i dove deeper,
to find that i wasn't strong enough to carry it.

yeah i'm floatin' in the ocean,
just like i did when my father threw that child
in the pool and said: "swim, boy, or you'll drown."
no wonder he and God have a name in common,
but no one ever prepared me to dive;
and she blamed me for this.

so i dove back in, much deeper than before
and found a patience that surprised me.
it looked like me, but the impostor insisted
otherwise.

i slit his throat, and followed the trail of blood
right back up to the surface.
she wanted me to dive again,
but the rest isn't worth mentioning.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Mar 3, 2009,
#2
This was good. I don't understand it, but it was good.

I really love the way that you centered the whole piece around diving, you didn't really drift off, you stuck to an idea and presented it in several ways. I think that's quite hard to do but you did it well.

I can't really offer much on advice on what to change, as structure wise I thought it was fine, and I don't understand it enough to know which words are important and which aren't.
#3
I ****ing love you.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
same as Michal, essentially. Metaphor was drawn together nicely, but not overly used. diction and syntax were spot on, rhythm and flow were excellent.

Wish there was more to say, but there really isn't. i love it all.



-DTH
#5
Quote by ottoavist
she liked it deep.

apparently alot of things not worth mentioning
worked their way right into our souls, so
she told me to dive deeper.

i found a skull and closed eyes resting upon the uplift of an index finger and thumb.
i found images of deep thought and passage with no destination;
deeper.
i found busy people unknowingly searching for their hearts.
i found a bar and drank till i saw God;
deeper.
i found a phone to call her for one last chance.
i found a memory for all of my mistakes;
deeper.

i visited the dead and found some goddamned peace
but i dove deeper,
to find that i wasn't strong enough to carry it.

yeah i'm floatin' in the ocean,
just like i did when my father threw that child
in the pool and said: "swim, boy, or you'll drown."
no wonder he and God have a name in common,
but no one ever prepared me to dive;
and she blamed me for this.

so i dove back in, much deeper than before
and found a patience that surprised me.
it looked like me, but the impostor insisted
otherwise.

i slit his throat, and followed the trail of blood
right back up to the surface.
she wanted me to dive again,
but the rest isn't worth mentioning.


This is intense and very nice. I had some phrasing issues, which go like this:

"alot" isn't a word; it's two.

While I love the line that begins "i found a skull and closed eyes resting..." it bothers me, trying to read it, that it contains two different possible grammatically incorrect sentences. Either you've left out the word "my" between "closed" and "eyes" and an unimportant comma after "eyes", or you've left off half of a dependent clause in the form of a parenthetical expression beginning "closed eyes resting." Did you mean this?

i found a skull and, closed eyes resting upon the uplift of an index finger and thumb,
i found images of deep thought and passage with no destination;
deeper.


Or this?

i found a skull and closed my eyes resting upon the uplift of an index finger and thumb.
i found images of deep thought and passage with no destination;
deeper.


This is one reason that I rail rail RAIL against end-of-line punctuation in poetry. If it's not grammatically correct, it blows the meaning of the poem, or at least the line. I get that you're probably meaning something more like the latter, given the structure of the rest of the stanza. However, with that missing "my" (and I see the appeal of leaving it out, but...), the grammar is very confusing - hard to parse.

Lastly, I found the informality of this line "yeah i'm floatin' in the ocean" amazingly jarring and out of place with the carefully structured formality of the rest of the piece.

peace
#6
holy jesus motherfu[/]king christ, that tore at my insides. I think you are the most powerful writer on this forum, you never fail to elict some sort of emotional response with your work, and that's f-ing difficult to do. I hope things are ok, man, this sounds like it came from quite a bad place.
#7
thank all you guys for any words offered on this, especially Nilchii(name?).
once i obtain a certain source of internet, i'll be sure to return any critiques that were given to me in my down time.

thanks again guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.