#1
I know this song sucks but it's the first song i ever wrote please edit

Your here
Always here
cut me some slack
i told you to go
and never come back

Open a book
See the family
You think nice
You think wrong
you are my inspiration
SUFFOCATION

I don't want to kill
Do you want to die?
Then go away
our love was a lie
Don't you see
I HATE YOU!
Last edited by originalhostile at Mar 5, 2009,
#2
*You're here*
Always here
Pissing me off -- (I suggest somthing like 'cut me some slack' instead of this line)
*I told you to go*
*And* never come back

I think the added words and a couple of replacesd words add some rhythm if you were thinking about this as a song

Open a book
See the family
You think nice
You think wrong
*Yes, you are my inspiration*
SUFFOCATION

Solid verse but rhythm works better with 6 instead of 5 lines.

*I don't want to kill*
Do you want to *die?*
Then go away
*Our love was a lie*
Don't you see
I HATE YOU!

Another good verse but once again, pairs of lines work better for a rhythm i think

Overall quite good. You need to work on a chorus though and maybe add an extra verse in the middle as 3 verses would be short.
Nice one!
#3
Quote by originalhostile
I know this song sucks but it's the first song i ever wrote please edit

There her
Alsways here
Pissing me off
Just go
Never come back


Open a boook
See the family

You think nice
You think wrong
SUFFOCATION

Do you want to die
Do you ever want to
Then go away
Never come back!
Don't you see
I HATE YOU!



i really like the first verse pretty awesome I can smell the emotion through my keyboard very strong but simple.

the first two lines in red are kinda weird I would personally do something a little different but hey its your song.

i like this good job dude!