#1
Okay, so this this little mess is something I was cooking up for my girlfriend.... Before she dumped my ass....
So it's unlikely I'll ever take this any farther, but I figured I'd put it up for all you to look at n do wutever....

Scarlet Tiger Lillies


Separation prevails, and we're held apart again
I feel so worthless not laying next to you
No burning in my chest, no fire in my eyes
I miss you more than my hands miss the feel of your back
Just like the Earth misses the moon
They're floating so distant, so far apart
Reaching for each other through the cold, dark void
Holding their breath and stretching their arms
Just like I'm reaching for you
Closing my eyes, pretending you're here
Grasping and screaming and tearing at the air
Forcing this cruel reality to bend to my will
Pushing you closer and closer to me
But this world won't change, won't put you in my arms
It won't budge, won't give me an inch
I hafta take what I want
I can't wait for the world to push you to me
I hafta take hold and pull your lips towards mine


Note: This is pretty much "un-fixed-up", so i know it's not good, though I wasn't writing this to get laid.... I was more just thinking on paper, you could say....
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Mar 4, 2009,
#2
This was ok. Like you said, a bit of a mess.

A lot of the ideas and images are fairly standard; but its a love type poem thing... so forgivable. I won't go through it and beat you; it was written for a girlfriend and would have gotten you laid... it was good for what it was.

Lines that stuck out as poorly executed (so I can be a bit constructive):

"miss you like... hands... back"

That was just a mouthful. You needed to scrunch that down and make it a solid and whole idea that doesn't run on itself.

Last 3.

Worst part. They were unoriginal AND boring. She would have loved them, but from a readers standpoint it has all the prowess and emotion of a 9 year old pitching a fit. Just didn't feel like you were accomplishing much but bitching at the world and trying to sound like a bad ass to her. Didn't strike me well.


All in all, not bad for what it was. But I don't typically enjoy these types of things. Feel like they should be reserved for the eyes they were written for... because to me they are corny and have next to no impact because they were written to be for a very very specific audience; and without the perspective of that audience it has no flavor.

#3
Quote by ZanasCross

All in all, not bad for what it was. But I don't typically enjoy these types of things. Feel like they should be reserved for the eyes they were written for... because to me they are corny and have next to no impact because they were written to be for a very very specific audience; and without the perspective of that audience it has no flavor.


I agree.
I think this was decent at best, and I usually keep love songs to myself, because they're almost always chock full of things that no one but the intentional reader would understand.

Good job though, I'll have a look at some of the other stuff in your sig.
Thanks for critiquing my piece.

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

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