#1
Hey, I haven't written anything for a long time and felt I really should, as my English as of late has been degrading .

This is what I came up with; playing with my own thoughts and opinions on what it would be like to come to the realisation that you're on the verge of death.

So suddenly
Fear takes hold
Embedding, ever deeper
Tainting perception
Arousing suspicion
Embedding, ever deeper

Try to find
Something to grasp
Trying in vain
Losing the will
To make this effort last
Digging deep to hold on
Finding no spoils, I let go
My time is up

Rapid heart beat
Faster and faster
Abrupt sensations
Interrupting my thoughts
Losing sight, losing grip

Trying to find
Something to grasp
Trying in vain
Losing the will
To make this effort last
Digging deep, just to hold on
Finding no spoils, I let go
My time is up

Digging deep, try to find
Strength to let go
Holding on was easy
Digging deep
To bear my own fate

Finally it hits me
The inevitable takes it's course
Sensations dissolve
Feelings fade, bar content
Regret isn't feasible
My fate is decided
And I made the final choice


Any constructive criticism would be appreciated.
Last edited by Jorsa at Mar 5, 2009,
#2
The expression "trying in vain" is spelled with the "ai," not the "ei." I suspect that you're aware of that, and that you're playing on the blood vessel spelling, given the apparent subject of the piece. However, I'm not convinced that the pun has a place in this. It's clever, but it changes the tone of the piece for just a second - almost a joke - and it doesn't seem to belong.

The problem with poems about suicide, of course, is that they've been done to death. I like the twist on this one, that the voice character is actually dying, looking up from the bottom of the well, as it were, rather than peering down the precipice. Still. Still.

peace
#3
I suspect that you're aware of that,


I wasn't actually :s, I wasn't sure of the spelling, and it looked right at the time, so I left it and forgot about it.
I'll fix that up, thanks.