#1
internally sullen white minds.
mirror after mirror of seemingly
blank reflections,
still able to kick in anger.

I'm not a child, I'm a foetus.
I have feet to kick with
and a wall to collapse.

in lapses of fear, my tired eyes rest,
sucking unshapely thumbs,
eager to give kudos;

maybe to mum?
maybe to God?

either way, I'm in here for
life.


Digitally Clean



I decided to write with a little on-the-spot randomness. I don't normally write like this, but I like it. Maybe this has been misconstrued, but this actually has a point.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Mar 4, 2009,
#3
internally sullen white minds.
Fantastic opening line!
mirror after mirror of seemingly,
blank reflections, still able to
kick in anger.
I'd get rid of the comma after 'seemingly', perhaps move the word itself onto the next line, move 'still able to' onto the line after that. Just what I'd do.

I'm not a child, I'm a
foetus.
I have feet to kick with
and a wall to collapse.
I didn't really understand this, but I wouldn't change anything.

in lapses of fear, my tired eyes
rest,
sucking knobbly thumbs,
eager to give kudos;
I hated the word knobbly. Personally, I'd change it straight away.

maybe to my mum?
maybe to God?

either way, I'm in here for
life.
Good ending, but a little.... well the poem as a whole didn't really do anything for me, I must admit, it just started, did, and finished. There was nothing that stood out for me. I'm not saying it was bad, as it's pretty decent, I'm saying that I don't think it'll really stand out as anything.


Digitally Clean



Just my thoughts, really.
#4
thatts a cool little rhythm ... wish i could just write nonsense and it still sound good!
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#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
internally sullen white minds.
mirror after mirror of seemingly,
blank reflections,
still able to kick in anger.
Really liked this first verse, good strong opening

I'm not a child, I'm a foetus.
I have feet to kick with
and a wall to collapse.
Great imagery here

in lapses of fear, my tired eyes rest,
sucking unshapely thumbs,
eager to give kudos;
I'm glad you changed knobbly here, unshapely flows much better
Although I'm not too sure the last line. apart from that, I like


maybe to my mum?
maybe to God?

either way, I'm in here for
life.
I like this last part as well although I would put for on the same line as life


Overall I really enjoyed it, well done
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#6
This si the most beautiful nothing I've seen in quite a while. Just really nice to read Dan.
#7
no comma after seemingly.

, really.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I think I understand Dan.
This is so different from your usual that I really enjoyed it. I will be back to nitpick
#9
I cant think of any nitpicks. I thought it was very nice, though I didn't quite get it (but I was close). Care to explain, brah?

And I love the word "foetus". Not sure if it was a typo or not, but it made me laugh.
#10
I'm only saying this 'cause it's you, Ben (nothing against anyone else, it's just 'cause it's him )
I don't mean to magnify the importance and status of it's meaning, but this is about the feeling of being closed in inside a religion, and how that containment is actually a safety, and is what nourishes you, and helps put you on your way.
That's the main theme, anyway, but there are other avenues I've noticed the more I read it, which is probably why it's about one of the only thing I've written that I actually like.

Man, I sounded pretentious there...

I forgot to mention, thanks!
#11
Well, the theme is open for that, but very little actually suggests that. Only the last bit, in my opinion. And, now that I'm looking at this differently, I don't think it really hit me along the lines of me being the fetus. I always thought it was some fetus saying "I". I never put myself in that spot. Maybe that's your objective, maybe its not. But, being "that guy", I thought I should have felt it. And I didn't.

Oh well. Fun piece, but didn't do much other than look pretty.
#12
Yeah if you want it to suggest that at all i'd suggest mentioning something to do with religion before the second last line..

Most of the poem goes by in a kind of 'huh?' then we get to god and kind of go 'hmm...' but we've already forgotten everything by then.

Though I also violently disagree with you so don't particularly like the poem (i'm fickle like that! )

EDIT:

foetus isn't a typo, that's how it's spelt over here.
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#13
Sorry for taking so long, Dan m'man. I have to say, when I first saw this, I had the idea that it was about someone who is dominated by their parents (or any authority) and never really experiences life. I see the religion tie now, but the family level is where I get a vibe. "Internally sullen white minds" just repelled me though. Connecting that phrase to a baby makes me disgusted. The question bit towards the end was where this got good.
Sorry for taking so long to give you a mediocre critique, but there it is. Soz.
#14
I sensed a pro-life thing goin there. Not my avenue, but I quite liked this.
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#15
i like how this hits on a tone of struggling even before the life has officially began( assuming that you believe that that start when the fetus hits 'air'). it is almost as if the fetus inside of the womb is getting effected by the struggles of every day life, without even experience them in a normal sense. I actually, as you can tell, got a lot out of this.