#1
Share jokes and discuss the awesome that was Mitch Hedberg.

"I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."

Edit: I searchbarred it and got nothing.
Quote by JezuzFingerz
Oh i lol'd quite a lot. Internets to you Normul. Normul you are the funniest man on all the internets. I would gladly make dirty lovin' to Normul all night long. Normul is the reason I breath. Normul
#2
"When I was a boy I layed in my...pile of coke and died."
Quote by Cobain_is_king

Seth: 1
A7X: 0
#3
Quote by Seth Shadows
"When I was a boy I layed in my...pile of coke and died."

Quote by JezuzFingerz
Oh i lol'd quite a lot. Internets to you Normul. Normul you are the funniest man on all the internets. I would gladly make dirty lovin' to Normul all night long. Normul is the reason I breath. Normul
#5
hence signature
Quote by boomboosh
What the f**k is you problems?
Yes, I made an account to ask this question. Is it really that weird? No. I wanted some feedback from some proper guitar experts who knew what they were talking about. Sorry, I guess I was wrong.
#6
I have a wallet. It's orange. For when I want to buy a deer. That didn't make any sense at all.
RAZZLEFRAZZLE
#7
Amazing comedian.

There should be a Carlin thread if there's a hedberg thread.

WHOA! TANGENT!!


"How would you like your eggs?"

"Incubated"
"Then hatched, then raised then killed then deep-fried (something like that, can't remember), hell I don't got time, SCRAMBLED!"
hue
Last edited by sock_demon at Mar 4, 2009,
#8
You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they print the warning label "do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication." The way I feel do not operate heavy machinery EVER. Its ****in' heavy. Just put it down and back the **** up. Operate some light machinery, like a stapler. Put the forklift away.
Quote by JezuzFingerz
Oh i lol'd quite a lot. Internets to you Normul. Normul you are the funniest man on all the internets. I would gladly make dirty lovin' to Normul all night long. Normul is the reason I breath. Normul
#9
"I used to do drugs.

I still do, but I used to, too!"
Quote by JMack
Are you asking if midgets can draw people that are themselves smaller than the average person, or if midget drawings in general are smaller?
#10
* There's this headliner says I gotta do 45 minutes of comedy. That's a sitcom and a haaaaalf! For Christ's sake. I never seen a show and said, "I wanna see that character for fifteen more minutes." So I know you're sick of me, and I'm sick of myself. It's a long time to stand up here and say, "Listen to me, **** haha! Don't talk or you'll get kicked the **** out!"
Quote by JezuzFingerz
Oh i lol'd quite a lot. Internets to you Normul. Normul you are the funniest man on all the internets. I would gladly make dirty lovin' to Normul all night long. Normul is the reason I breath. Normul
#13
I've seen him before. I found him retarded.

example
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=octMaIKiSUA

Maybe it's just cause it was made family friendly for CBS, but that's the dumbest sh-t I have ever seen.
Quote by ChemicalFire
He was too stunned by my fresh truths.

Quote by GodofCheesecake
"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids and your meddling and your breakadowns!"

Quote by Nakedbythecomp
Metal is a sub-genre of metalcore since metalcore is more popular therefore better.
#14
That's a massive coincidence. I just heard of this guy a week ago from stumbleupon, and yesterday I was youtubing his acts.

He's f#cking hilarious. I wish he was still around.
#15
I loved him.

The other day I was walking down the street and I saw a duck, so I went into subway and said, "Lemme have a bun!" The manager informed me that they couldn't do that as if there was some rule that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch.
The lady asked me what I wanted on my sandwich and I said, "I don't care, it's for a duck!" She says, "Oh, okay, then it's free." See I did not know that. I didn't know that ducks eat for free at subway. It's like, "Gimme the steak Fajita sub, but don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck!"
Quote by KevVin

and when that cheeky slut Nurse Joy tells me "We hope to see you again" like, she hopes my pokemon all faint again?
Not. Cool.


Found this amusing:
Quote by Aidy Damage
Oh God... it's back.
#17
there are 4 ducks outside, and they all want SUNCHIPS!!
Mesa F-30 - 1x12 V30
PRS SE Custom 24 (GFS Crunchy PATs)
PRS SE Singlecut (Evo/Air Norton)
1989 Starforce (GFS PowerRails)
Morley Tremonti Power Wah, TS7 (808-Mod), Pitchblack, Boss DD-3, DE FnC
#19
An escalator can never be out of order; it just becomes stairs. They should put a sign up that says "Sorry, this escalator is temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convienience."

I wanna make my own orange juice, and on the back I'll write "Shake to the best of your ability." It will also include an initation for those non-shakers. Step one, put it over here, step two put it over there.
Last edited by thewho65 at Mar 4, 2009,
#21
"i cant wait till this set is over because i have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket..
and pineapple is next!!"
Quote by innertom
So much down syndrome

remember UG Community? thought so.
#22
"i cant wait till this set is over because i have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket..
and pineapple is next!!"

that was funny were did you get that from i would like to hear it.
#23
Comic GENIUS
I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money.I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.
#24
"If you are flammable and have legs, you are NEVER blocking a fire exit"

"I love escalators because they can never be out of order, they can only be temporarily stairs"


EDIT: DOUCHEBAGS, way to let me down and not post between mine !!!
I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money.I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.
#27
Quote by mrretard
why do you say that?

Must be a different Mitch Hedberg
I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money.I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.
#29
Quote by mrretard
why do you say that?

The material that I've seen did not impress me. Though I confess I haven't had a whole lot of exposure to him, but what I have seen/heard does not strike me as funny.

EDIT: \/ Like that. That's supposed to be funny?!
Last edited by heaven's gate at Mar 4, 2009,
#30
"Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?"
There's my way and the wrong way.
#31
"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. "
"I remixed a remix, it was back to normal."
"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

I ****ing love him, theres too many, sorry for semi-wall of quotes
#32
sorry for semi-wall of quotes

don't feel sorry some of those were new to me and there were funny.
#33
Actually, for Mitch Hedberg day, my friend made a joke that he thought was in the style of Mitch. I was pretty proud of him, actually sounded like something Mitch would say. Tell me if you agree:

"Man, I hate being tall. The rain hits my head EARLIER."
Les Claypool
Geddy Lee
Robert DeLeo
Flea

Weileder

...Coincidence? I think not.
#34
Man, I hate being tall. The rain hits my head EARLIER.
that does sound like a mitch joke but i'm not sure why.
#35
"They say the ingredients in 7-Up are lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. 'Hey, Mitch, you want some more homemade 7-Up?' 'Not until you figure out WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS IN IT.'"

Quote by mrretard

that does sound like a mitch joke but i'm not sure why.


Could it be because he just blatantly said it wasn't?
You're*
Last edited by Survivalism at Mar 5, 2009,
#36
he was a great comedian


that being said, it does not necesitate a thread for this.
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#37
"they say diet dr pepper tasted just like regular dr pepper. well then they ****ed up!''
#38
Quote by mrretard
don't feel sorry some of those were new to me and there were funny.



damnit your avatar pisses me off!

i are want teh boobies!
Geets:
Ibanez GSA60
Epiphone SG/LP custom
Schecter Damien elite 7
Fender Highway one Telecaster

Pedals:
Visual sound Jekyll and Hyde


Amp:
Peavey 6505
Marshall M412a cab
Peavey Classic 50

GO STEELERS!