#1
You say the light shines upon your bed.
They say you are just out of your head.
You hear those same voices again.
They say you are nothing but a trend.

I feel you
I can feel your grief
your pain, your heart, your raw belief.

Cause it's another day.
It never seems to go away.
Like a pen on paper,
You're nothing but a raper.


This is the lyrics to the first song I've ever written. Well actually this song isn't finished yet. We're recording our first demos these days. And I'm still missing the second half of the first solo, my second one and a good ending. So as you see we're still pretty behind but I wanted an opinion on the lyrics. If you guys are interested I'll post the demos on my profile as soon as they're ready. Thanks for taking the time.

P.S.: The song doesn't have a name yet so I accept sugestions if you want to make them.
Last edited by paquiquinho at Mar 4, 2009,
#2
the rhythm is off for each one. plus "raper" doesn't sound too good IMO

but you are better than nickelback!
#3
RAPER...... that don't impress me much,

seeing how it's a common misspelling of rapist. try another word.
it's like a rock in the middle of a stream
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#5
Some strange light shines upon your bed.
They say you are just out of your head.
Here come the voices, once again.
They say you're nothing but a trend.

Not sure what this verse means.. i think you should make a verse before it explaining why there are voices in their head/ why the light shine upon their bed? Just my opinion

I feel you
I can feel your grief
your pain, your heart, your raw belief.

Short, simple, effective. Dont change it.

Cause it's another day.
They never seem to go away.
They just sit like lead,
Those voices in your head


(Those last lines are just a suggestion, but the simile and then the following line 'raper' didnt fit with the rest of the song.)

On a whole, good job!
Crit my song see if you get any new ideas.. it's my first one ever as well!
#6
Thank youaidzo_ your opinion is a good one.

The first verse is suposed to be weird. It's suposed to pass on the feeling that the singer is confused, dazzled. It is intended to pass the idea of confusion towards the world.

It resolves after in pain in the second verse. It was also suposed to give the idea their not alone.

The last verse was the one I was not all too sure about. It's about how hard is to live like it has been very rawly described. The word raper is less correct, I know, but it's suposed to reinforce the point that the one speaking is feeling raped. That's why I used the metaphor "like a pen on paper, you're nothing but a raper". I see it was unsucesseful.

Still thanks for your advice. It's always welcome.
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